Tuesday, 14 October 2008

“Just Shoot Suspects” PM Advises

42-Day Detention Scrapped In Favour Of Summary Execution

After the House Of Lords quashed Labour plans to allow police to detain terror suspects for 42 days without charge, Gordon Brown has pledged to continue with the existing policy of emptying an entire pistol into their head. Labour’s counter-terrorism bill asked for the ability to hold terrified suspects for 6 weeks of nebulous threats without charging them with any crime as long as they passed the ‘Threshold test’ of being a bit mouthy, foreign-looking or an electrician.

But the bill was defeated by 191 votes in the House of Lords last night, with one senior peer stating “The existing detention period of 28 days is perfectly sufficient to exhaust standard investigative techniques. We do not believe a further 14 days is needed to piss in ocular cavities, force suspects to eat their own excrement or beat the soles of their feet with garden hose.”

While the political wrangling continues, the police have been told to carry on with their policy of dropping anybody they feel like with little or no evidence to suggest they’re dangerous. Chief Inspector Knutsford stated “Terrorists are wily creatures, with ways different to our own. They don’t need food or oxygen and can morph into the shape of a cat at will. Who can say how they plan to attack us next?”

Gordon Brown has vowed to continue fighting for the bill to be passed, and Labour will hold a version of it in reserve in case a terrorist emergency occurs. As one Labour spokesman said “Never know what’s round the corner, you get me? Look at that London Eye, for instance. It’d only take one nutter with a bomb and the whole thing would collapse like a mugged granny, yeah? Wait and see, my friend, wait and see…”

The PM stated “We are disappointed that this bill has been defeated and feel that the House of Lords may as well give Bin Laden a foot massage for all the help they’ve been. This government will not shirk its responsibilities when it comes to national security, especially at times like these, because while I’m talking to you now, you’re not even thinking about how fucked the economy is. Damn. You’re thinking about it right now, aren’t you?”

No comments: