Catholic Church Buys Out Anglicans

New Religious Consortium To Be Named “Cathlican”

After plummeting attendances and an underfunded infrastructure pushed the Anglican Church to the brink of collapse, the Catholic Church has stepped in to bail out the ailing faith in a £4.7 billion buyout. Many in the 470-year-old organisation feared the mother church would have to cease praying altogether before the Holy Roman faith conglomerate stepped in.

Dr Rowan Williams, head of the beleaguered doctrine, stated “Nobody could have foreseen the global collapse in faith – this is absolutely unprecedented. With promising new markets, especially in the third world and China, we felt the church was in a healthy condition to expand its client base. The next thing we knew, the pews were simply empty.” Many expect Dr Williams to step down in the next few days, with the Mormon church already offering him a lucrative consultancy role.

Members of the public who have invested in the life everlasting with the Anglican church have been told not to panic, with Cardinal Ebbsfleet of the Vatican promising to honour all existing prayers lodged with the church. This followed scenes of chaos as churches in London, Bristol and Knutsford were mobbed by panicking worshippers demanding their eternal souls, which had been entrusted to the church, to be returned.

“I thought my place at God’s right hand was safe with the Anglicans” said Missie Luther, a long-time Anglican customer. “I think it’s disgusting that they gave us no warning of what was happening. Only last Sunday, I was chatting to the vicar and he didn’t say a word. All the time he must have known I was going to hell while he walks away scot free. I should have pissed in his tea, the lying Turk.”

Anglican employees are braced for a slew of redundancies as the Catholic church attempts to streamline the organisation. As many as 40% of Anglican churches will be sold off to property developers, and the unemployment rate amongst organists is set to skyrocket. “It used to be a job for life” said one parson. “Get your feet under the pulpit, keep your hands off the parishioners and you’d be set . Now what? I might see if there’s any vacancies with the Kabbalists. They seem to be a faith that’s going places.”

The takeover will be formalised this Sunday, with Pope Benedict welcoming his new flock, tentatively named “Cathlicans”, during his address in St Peters’ Square. “I welcome all of my new flock into the arms of the Cathlican faith.” said the elderly ex-Nazi. “Pending due diligence to ensure none of them are sodomites, abortionists or johnny-jockeys, of course” he added.