Friday, 31 October 2008

Beelzebub Expected Early This Evening, Say Satanists

“Halfway Through Question Of Sport” Estimates Expert

Halloween is to be given a dramatic twist this year with the rising from the sulphurous pits of hell by the Lord Of Darkness himself, according to one demonological expert. Speaking from his two-bedroom terraced coven in Knutsford, devil expert Alistair Ebbsfleet stated “The moon shall run red with the blood of innocents, the seas shall be rent in twain and The Unspeakable One shall stalk the earth once more. Probably starting somewhere near Penge.”

Ebbsfleet listed the early signs of the impending rise of The Ultimate Harbinger Of Sorrow as “The stars raining fire from the heavens and probably quite a stiff northerly breeze.” This will then apparently be followed by the earth spewing forth the living dead and the lamentations of the countless being heard across the land. It is not yet clear whether these lamentations will contravene noise nuisance laws laid down in the Environmental Protection Act.

When asked why Diabolus should choose this evening to ascend from the underworld, Ebbsfleet explained “The signs of the end of days are all around us – the middle east awash with blood, the world economy falling to its knees. Peter Kay. Perfect environment for overthrowing the throne of heaven, really. But I think the main attraction to Mephistopheles at the moment is that most of the public won’t even notice he’s there. Not until wailing daemons start stuffing people’s gizzards into their ears. Too late by then, of course.

“But any society that gets more worked up about two potty-brained buffoons, or which person out of a sample of twelve is the worst singer, rather than the fabric of civilisation crumbling about them like a meringue in a threshing machine, isn’t going kick up too much of a fuss when the Antichrist starts throwing his weight about.”

“And apart from all that” added Ebbsfleet “It’s Halloween, innit? Traditional for Him to turn up at Halloween.”

UK society will look very different under the iron hoof of The Horned Beast, says Ebbsfleet. He predicts that the press will be seriously curbed, with only The Daily Mail and Chat magazine allowed to continue. “My Family will continue to be commissioned as well” he warns. But bizarrely, Lucifer will enforce rigorous environmental policies. “Despite wanting to doom mankind to an eternity of suffering” says Ebbsfleet “He really has a soft spot for polar bears. Not sure why.”

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