Congolese Advised To ‘Sex War Up’

Conflict “Too Confusing” To Elicit Sympathy

The United Nations have sent an aid convoy to the Democratic Republic Of Congo with orders that the displaced millions need to “Jazz up their plight a bit” in order to garner international support. As General Nkunda’s military coup continues, the war has yet to establish a poster child or hot-button issue to focus the West’s increasingly-diminishing attention span.

UN person Jaylo Ebbsfleet has been assigned to deal with the PR for the conflict and says that unless the refugee’s marketing campaign steps up a gear, they can expect a pretty bleak winter. “It’s all about brand identification” said Ebbsfleet “The Congolese haven’t worked out their unique selling point as a war-torn region. Afghanistan is killing us in the polls with their Taliban branding but so far all we’ve got is the same old photos of thousands of people tramping down a dusty road with all their worldly possessions balanced on their head. It’s just really…blah, isn’t it?”

Ebbsfleet also feels that the complexities of conflict, which has previously involved five other African nations, inter-tribal warfare and military/political disputes, is a big turnoff. “Take Somalia in the 80s. Crops have failed, loads of hungry kids and Bang – there’s your poster. 2004, a big wave kills thousands. That’s a no-brainer in humanitarian terms. But this is currently too confusing to get a really sexy, vibrant campaign going.”

Plans are underway to raise the war’s market visibility in the UK. A premium-rate phone line has been set up to poll “Who’s the hottest – General Nkunda or President Kabila?” with a follow-up spread in Heat magazine entitled “General Nkunda’s Top Ten Fashion Disasters”. Unconfirmed reports claim that McFly are recording a charity single, a cover version of Toto’s “Africa”, to raise humanitarian funds.

E4 are also believed to be planning a fundraising concert in the Congolese capital, with Coldplay set to headline. “We have to do what we can to help” said Chris Martin “It’s terrible that the people of….erm…what?...oh yes, the Congo have to go through whatever it is they’re currently going through. The third single from our latest album is out on December 15th, by the way.”

“We want the civil war in the Congo to be the number one water-cooler conversation this Christmas” said Ebbsfleet. “We’re trying to play down some of the less saleable aspects – mass rape, corrupt international mining operations – as they don’t play well across the key 18-25 year old demographic. We want this to be the ‘Crazy Frog’ of the internecine armed conflict world.”