Wednesday, 5 November 2008

America ‘Now Only Half Racist’

‘It’s All Going To Be Fine” Says Expert

After Barack Obama’s historic victory in the race for the White House, a key US political analyst has stated that “Everything’s gravy from here on in. We can all kick back and let the good times roll. Our hundreds of years of racial oppression are but a distant memory and everything’s been sorted out now.”

Questions are being asked as to how the McCain campaign failed so badly and several theories have been put forward. Some blame the stigma of Bush’s disastrous handling of everything he comes within forty yards of. Others have suggested that McCain always looked on the brink of saying “I’m running for President and I’ve still got all my own teeth, you know.” But most commentators are agreed that the major handicap to McCain’s presidential push was choosing “A slate-eyed fucking lunatic” as vice presidential candidate.

“This was always going to be about capturing the under-represented voting demographic” said Ebbsfleet “And the Democrats had the African-American vote sewn up. Not that the Republicans would have touched a black VP candidate with a burning cross, you understand. So they had to go with a female candidate. From a field of very competent, experienced female senators McCain chose Palin. This proved to be the equivalent of letting Ringo sing.”

“Politics is about power” Ebbsfleet continued “And leaders are often seen as evil geniuses. But Palin was something even worse than that. An evil moron. Carrying on from the Beatles analogies, Palin will surely go down as the Yoko Ono of US politics.”

Many see Obama’s presidency as marking a turning point in US society. “America has a history of racial intolerance” said analyst Jed Ebbsfleet “But with the election of a mixed-race candidate like Obama, we’re halfway to putting that behind us. I think it was unrealistic to expect the American public to vote for a candidate who wasn’t at least partially white, but it’s a step in the right direction.”

Ebbsfleet also feels that, with 52% of the electorate voting for Obama, “We can now be proud to say that, as a nation, we’re now only half racist. Although if half of us voted for a mixed-race guy, that might still make us three-quarters racist. I was never really good at math, like those Asian guys.”

As news broke of Obama’s victory, the streets of Baltimore, Chicago and Washington were filled with crowds comprised of every race, creed and colour singing “The Age Of Aquarius”. Many thousands, previously crippled due to lack of basic medical care, were seen to kick away their crutches and dance with crackheads miraculously free of their addiction. Millions of rednecks were seen crying onto the shoulders of their black neighbours, sobbing heartfelt apologies, while their neighbours were heard to reply “That’s okay, brother. Water under the bridge.”

In his acceptance speech, Obama told the gathered thousands “I am deeply grateful for the faith people have put in me. But now is the time to be realistic. The economy, social deprivation, our military involvement in Iraq, the environment…they’re fucked. All of them. Proper, full-on fucked. Oh dear god. What have I let myself in for? After eight years of Republican rule, I have been sold a frigging pup, haven’t I?”


Anonymous said...

excellent sir.

Abe Lincoln (Republican) said...

Not that the Republicans would have touched a black VP candidate with a burning cross, you understand.

The Republicans tried unsuccessfully to persuade Condi Rice to run for president. She's the black Republican Secretary of State, by the way. The one GWB prods every night with those burning crosses the Dixiecrats used to light up in the Old South. How many blacks are in the British cabinet, you dumbass limey?

Tom Laird said...

Dear Mr Lincoln,

No wonder you were assassinated. You clearly fail to grasp the concept of satire.The points you raise may well be valid. Are you sure you wern't writing to the Editor of the Washington Post and got the email address wrong? The guy who writes this stuff (very well) is not claiming to be Kronkite, Dan Rather, Noam Chomsky or even Michael Moore-on. Its just humour. Roll with it.

PS.As far as I'm concerned you Republicans are to left wing for my liking.Federal Income Tax? Way to go you lavish public spending commies.

Abe Lincoln (Republican) said...

I realized he was trying to be funny, Tom, but satire is supposed to exaggerate stuff that has a kernel of truth to it. When it's based on a blatant falsehood it makes the humorist look like an unfunny ignorant asswipe. The guys who invented the burning cross were not Republicans - they actually hated Republicans.

Purple Monkey Dishwasher said...

Too right, if I'd come up with the 'burning a cross' idea and the republicans nicked it I'd be pretty miffed too.