Gerrard’s Nan Had Died, Says Benitez

“No, Not That One, The Other One” Insists Liverpool Manager

After Steven Gerrard was summoned to the England training camp by Fabio Capello despite being declared unfit to play, Liverpool boss Rafael Benitez has dramatically changed his story, stating “No, that was a problem with my English. I may have told Capello ‘Gerrard, he cannot play because of his groin injury’ but my English is still not of the requisite standard required to convey complex concepts. What I meant to say was that his nan had died.”

As Gerrard faced a scan conducted by England doctors to ascertain whether the micro-foreheaded midfielder had any form of groin strain, Benitez made frantic last-minute calls to Capello. “Stevie might come to the training ground saying he’s hurt his groin” Benitez informed the England manager “But he’s just really confused and upset about his nan. What? No, that was his other nan, on his mum’s side. She died just before England played that friendly against The Vatican City, remember?”

Benitez insists that Liverpool have not tried to deceive the England camp, stating “Of course I do not mind my most valuable player coming back from a meaningless kickabout in several separate boxes. Every player has a real desire to play for his country – well, not Jamie, obviously, but most of them. But the fact we’re about to enter a flurry of games that could ultimately decide my fate as a manager does not mean I’d make something up about his happy region being on the blink.”

Gerrard is not the only player to be summoned to his national training camp after claiming injury. Capello faces a severely depleted squad with seven of his first-choice squad missing with injuries ranging from “A partially-torn cruciate” to “An attack of the vapours”. Ashley Cole is also believed to be missing due to “A severely bruised ego” and serious rectal trauma sustained while he was stepping out of the bath and accidentally sat on a bottle of Cheryl’s Mum roll-on deodorant and he tried getting out himself which is why there’s KY Jelly around it and it just got stuck and what are the chances of that happening.

Joachim Low is said to be unperturbed by the problems in the England camp, telling English journalists “We know England are a strong side and we expect them to give us a good game on Wednesday. It is a chance to test new players and we ca…OH YES, VERY FUNNY WITH THE THEME OF THE DAMUBUSTERS! YOU MAYBE WISH TO CHANGE THE RECORD, YES?”