“Men. They’re Such Beasts.” Says Smith

Law To Be Tightened For “Dens Of Dreadfulness”

Taking a break from rocking gently in a corner and screaming at her reflection in the mirror, gibbering Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has called for licensing laws to be updated for lapdancing clubs, as “I fail to understand how having a surgically-enhanced Eastern European teenager grind her buttocks in your face like she’s chewing a caramel with them could appeal to anyone.”

Smith wants lapdance clubs to be categorised alongside sex shops, peep shows and “Other places that cater to the general vileness of men’s urges. I mean, what’s wrong with a nice cuddle with your wife?”

Her moved has been opposed by club owners including every father’s nightmare Peter Stringfellow. “I don’t want anyone to come to my club thinking they’re going to get a sexual encounter” said the 92-year-old scrawny letch. “Just because my club is rammed full of the stuff wank fantasies are made of and just because my semi-naked girls gyrate around the gaff like they’re trying to scratch their ovaries using their ribs doesn’t mean my clubs are sexual in nature.”

When asked to explain why his clientele visited his clubs, Stringfellow replied “It’s just a place they can come and relax in peace. Most of them like paying a fortune to enter a dimly-lit basement blaring out “Sex Bomb” and sipping overpriced, watered-down beer. It just so happens my clubs have lots nubile women in them who are prepared to frot you until you spooge your kecks for thirty sheets.”

Stringfellow also pointed out that a ‘sexual encounter’ license for his clubs would cost £30,000. “I simply couldn’t afford that. I’ve got enough overheads as it is. Do you know how much it costs to have the gents steam-cleaned every night? It looks like a cake-maker’s whisk come closing time.”

Lapdance workers have also opposed the move. One dancer, Kandee, said “They’re not sexual places to work. Most of us girls only chat with the customers as they just want some company. I think for many of them it’s a form of companionship they’re not getting elsewhere. Now, if you come to the back room I’ll tug you through your trousers for fifty quid.”

But Smith is adamant that the proposed changes become law. “There are twice as many lapdance clubs as there were in 2004” said Smith. “And as the law stands we are powerless to stop them spreading” she added, to a chorus of “Wahey!!” from the assembled journalists.