“Men. They’re Such Beasts.” Says Smith

Law To Be Tightened For “Dens Of Dreadfulness”

Taking a break from rocking gently in a corner and screaming at her reflection in the mirror, gibbering Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has called for licensing laws to be updated for lapdancing clubs, as “I fail to understand how having a surgically-enhanced Eastern European teenager grind her buttocks in your face like she’s chewing a caramel with them could appeal to anyone.”

Smith wants lapdance clubs to be categorised alongside sex shops, peep shows and “Other places that cater to the general vileness of men’s urges. I mean, what’s wrong with a nice cuddle with your wife?”

Her moved has been opposed by club owners including every father’s nightmare Peter Stringfellow. “I don’t want anyone to come to my club thinking they’re going to get a sexual encounter” said the 92-year-old scrawny letch. “Just because my club is rammed full of the stuff wank fantasies are made of and just because my semi-naked girls gyrate around the gaff like they’re trying to scratch their ovaries using their ribs doesn’t mean my clubs are sexual in nature.”

When asked to explain why his clientele visited his clubs, Stringfellow replied “It’s just a place they can come and relax in peace. Most of them like paying a fortune to enter a dimly-lit basement blaring out “Sex Bomb” and sipping overpriced, watered-down beer. It just so happens my clubs have lots nubile women in them who are prepared to frot you until you spooge your kecks for thirty sheets.”

Stringfellow also pointed out that a ‘sexual encounter’ license for his clubs would cost £30,000. “I simply couldn’t afford that. I’ve got enough overheads as it is. Do you know how much it costs to have the gents steam-cleaned every night? It looks like a cake-maker’s whisk come closing time.”

Lapdance workers have also opposed the move. One dancer, Kandee, said “They’re not sexual places to work. Most of us girls only chat with the customers as they just want some company. I think for many of them it’s a form of companionship they’re not getting elsewhere. Now, if you come to the back room I’ll tug you through your trousers for fifty quid.”

But Smith is adamant that the proposed changes become law. “There are twice as many lapdance clubs as there were in 2004” said Smith. “And as the law stands we are powerless to stop them spreading” she added, to a chorus of “Wahey!!” from the assembled journalists.

“How Do You Want Threatening?” Asks BBC

TV Licensing To Poll Whether Death Squads Necessary

The BBC Trust is to start a consultation of license-payers to discuss what tactics the broadcaster should employ in browbeating terrified pensioners into parting with their cash. After a motion in parliament criticised the BBC for acting “Like a Bermondsey loan shark with a three-day hangover” in its methods of fee recovery, the BBC is to set up various Q&A sessions with the public to assess the preferred way of demanding money with menaces.

Simeon Ebbsfleet, chief consultant with ‘Yah?!', the media public relations company, has been asked to set up talks with license payers about the BBC’s current TV License advertising campaign. “With the last campaign, there was a definite 22% downswing amongst A, AB & AB1 sectors in positive feedback.” said Simeon in an attempt to make his job sound like proper science rather than the pseudo-shite it actually is.

The recent advertising campaign, which featured slogans such as “Dream About Fools & Horses And We Can Demand £140” and “£140 NOW Or I will Fuck You Up, Boy.” were seen by many as being intimidatory. Yah?! is expected to advise the BBC to take a more placatory tone in future campaigns. “Ultimately, the BBC get their money or people go to jail, but we’d advise them to imply the public had a choice, as it makes them feel better” said Simeon.

The agency have proposed new campaign slogans such as “£140 As Soon As You Can, Please. We’ll Just Sit Here With Your Nan While We Wait.” and “Your License Can Be Paid In Easy Monthly Instalments. Just Like A BUPA Operation For Split Kneecaps.”

“Ultimately, we want people to see that their license fee is a small amount to pay for hours of quality programming” said BBC person Winston Knutsford at today’s press conference. “Do you know how much one license buys? Three weeks’ worth of tissues for Jonathan Ross, that’s what. We’re patient people at the BBC – public school will do that for you – but ultimately there’s a limit. If we don’t see a cheque for £140 from every household in Britain winging its way to us by next Friday, it’s going to be dawn raids by masked, armed gunmen I’m afraid.”

An OFCOM spokesman, who did not wish to be named, said “I’d rather owe money to a crumbling Columbian drugs cartel than those fuckers at Portland Place. Seriously, don’t come crying to us. Just meet their demands and your family will be fine. It’s just easier.”

When OFCOM’s statement was read to Winston Knutsford, he replied “Anonymous? My old grannies cunt. I know who does their press statements and our database is very very precise, believe me. I think the boys need to pay him a visit. Thanks for tipping us off. Now if there’s nothing else, kindly piss off before I charge you another £140 for the use of my carpet, you fucking peasant.”