UK Braced For 'Dry Saturday'

“Avalanche Of Crispy Socks” Anticipated

With the economic meltdown worsening, Britain's boyfriends and husbands are anticipating the least sexually active Valentine's Day since records began. "We're looking at a nation of swollen-bollocked frustration" said the Institute Of Legover Studies' Art Ebbsfleet.

"With most partners unable to afford more than a card from the newsagent's, less than 15% of Britain's men will enjoy the traditional Valentine stocking-clad erotic frenzy." And Ebbsfleet warns "It is doubtful, given the current crisis, that any UK male will get to do that thing he's been pestering the wife to do for months and she reckons is disgusting."

Ebbsfleet estimates approximately 300,000 of backed-up reproductive fluid will by sloshing around the nation’s boxer shorts in the days to follow. And he warns that the knock-on effects could be catastrophic. “Our surveys have shown that backed-up men are involved in more car crashes & household accidents, as well as being an absolute fucking nightmare to be around.”

Clintons Cards have already warned of a poor Valentine’s Day. “We’ve had blokes milling about the shop, looking at our five-quid plastic roses, sorting the loose change in their pocket, then walking out empty-handed” said Clintons boss Jeff Knutsford.

Local councils have been placed on high alert as police warned that many will have to resort to stealing blooms from nearby parks. Garage forecourts also anticipate similar raids.

“It’s totally unfair” said recently-redundant investment banker Todd Moore. “I slogged my guts out for ten years making vast fortunes with other people’s money. And now it looks like I’ll have to knock myself around on Valentine’s Day just because I can’t run to a box of overpriced chocolates and a big pink piece of card with a teddy bear on it.”

But Liz Crompton, 27, of Sandilands stated “For twelve months of the year I have to put up with flatulence and bone-idleness. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that, for one day of the year, I get showered with expensive trinkets before I’m expected to feign enthusiasm for five minutes of drunken, inexpert coitus.”

Footballer Denies Charge Of Consensual Sex

Decent, Loving Trysts “Never Happened” Says Star

The footballer named today in a tabloid story as having indulged in “Repeated, considerate sexual acts of a legal, caring nature” has denied the allegation as “Absolute fiction”. The footballer, who cannot be named for legal reasons, has stated “I am one of the wealthiest, most successful footballers in the country. Why would I risk my career at Old Trafford, my place in the Portuguese national side or my club number 7 shirt just to have normal, intimate sex with one long-term sexual partner?”

The statement came after one national tabloid printed a story, entitled “My Monogomy Heaven”, detailing years of alleged lovemaking with the unnamed World Player Of The Year. The interview with a 31-year-old woman describing herself as “An unknown middle manager in a regional pharmaceutical firm” euphemistically lists repeated occasions where the footballer “Took my needs into consideration, preserved my anonymity to protect my feelings and continually insisted on treating me as a valuable human being.”

Press experts are already questioning the validity of the claims, with one stating “It’s a well-known fact that sexual intercourse with a footballer, whether it’s in a plush £1000-per-night hotel or against your will down the back alley of a low-rent nightclub, will always fall into two categories. Either the footballer is seriously under-endowed, can only last a couple of minutes and has no idea how to please a woman. Or the encounter can only be described as a ‘romp’, involving multiple orgasms, various foodstuffs and complex equipment. Ideally, the recipient will describe the footballer as an animal that has no trouble scoring between the sheets.”

The fact that the unnamed woman described her nights of passion as ‘lovemaking’ rather than “X-rated action” has also thrown her claims into doubt. The footballer in question, whose anonymity is currently preserved following a court order, stated “This is worse than when I winked at the bench after Rooney got sent off. I have the deepest respect for the traditions of the Premiership, and to imply that I would have sex without filming it on my mobile, involving my teammates in the action or just viciously sexually assaulting her is a terrible slur on my character.”

Lawyers representing the footballer, who due to legal restrictions can only be referred to as “CR”, have already supplied the police with several instances of degrading group sex and cash payments to rape victims as proof that the player could not have been involved in the adult, responsible relationship alleged in the article.

“Men. They’re Such Beasts.” Says Smith

Law To Be Tightened For “Dens Of Dreadfulness”

Taking a break from rocking gently in a corner and screaming at her reflection in the mirror, gibbering Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has called for licensing laws to be updated for lapdancing clubs, as “I fail to understand how having a surgically-enhanced Eastern European teenager grind her buttocks in your face like she’s chewing a caramel with them could appeal to anyone.”

Smith wants lapdance clubs to be categorised alongside sex shops, peep shows and “Other places that cater to the general vileness of men’s urges. I mean, what’s wrong with a nice cuddle with your wife?”

Her moved has been opposed by club owners including every father’s nightmare Peter Stringfellow. “I don’t want anyone to come to my club thinking they’re going to get a sexual encounter” said the 92-year-old scrawny letch. “Just because my club is rammed full of the stuff wank fantasies are made of and just because my semi-naked girls gyrate around the gaff like they’re trying to scratch their ovaries using their ribs doesn’t mean my clubs are sexual in nature.”

When asked to explain why his clientele visited his clubs, Stringfellow replied “It’s just a place they can come and relax in peace. Most of them like paying a fortune to enter a dimly-lit basement blaring out “Sex Bomb” and sipping overpriced, watered-down beer. It just so happens my clubs have lots nubile women in them who are prepared to frot you until you spooge your kecks for thirty sheets.”

Stringfellow also pointed out that a ‘sexual encounter’ license for his clubs would cost £30,000. “I simply couldn’t afford that. I’ve got enough overheads as it is. Do you know how much it costs to have the gents steam-cleaned every night? It looks like a cake-maker’s whisk come closing time.”

Lapdance workers have also opposed the move. One dancer, Kandee, said “They’re not sexual places to work. Most of us girls only chat with the customers as they just want some company. I think for many of them it’s a form of companionship they’re not getting elsewhere. Now, if you come to the back room I’ll tug you through your trousers for fifty quid.”

But Smith is adamant that the proposed changes become law. “There are twice as many lapdance clubs as there were in 2004” said Smith. “And as the law stands we are powerless to stop them spreading” she added, to a chorus of “Wahey!!” from the assembled journalists.

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Bigger MPs Did It & Ran Away, Says Darling

At a press conference to explain why the UK economy is going down the shitpan faster than a greased turd, Chancellor Alistair Darling stated that “It wasn’t me, it was some bigger MPs from across the road.” With fuel prices and house prices going respectively up and down like a wanker’s elbow, Darling explained “I came in to work one day and there was already three big MPs sat in my office. They’d thrown the economy all around the room and all messed it up.”

“I told them to stop but they just laughed and threw the rate of interest at me. When I threatened to tell Gordon Brown, they said they’d tell everyone in the House of Commons they’d caught me kissing a dog, with tongues and everything.”


Palin Tops 2008 ‘Hate Fuck’ Poll

Republican Vice President candidate Sarah Palin has topped FHM’s list of hate-fucks for 2008. A late surge in voting after her nomination saw her win out in the list of women FHM readers think are really obnoxious but still wouldn’t mind slapping wrinkles with.

FHM editor Chester Ebbsfleet explained Palin’s love/hate appeal to readers. “Her hatefulness is there for all to see – she’s virulently anti-abortion, opposes gay marriage and believes in creationism. Frankly, she makes the Pope sound like Marilyn Manson.”

“But on the other hand she looks like one them ones from ‘Desperate Housewives’ and we reckon that once the bedroom door closes she’s absolute fucking filth. Strap-ons, rimming, reverse lemon pie, the lot.’”


90 Flood Dead ‘Not American’ Say Reuters

International news agency Reuters have confirmed that the 90 people who died in recent floods, devastating their families and laying bare human grief at its most extreme, were not American. “As such”, said Reuters person Tingly Knutsford “Their families have got some fucking brass neck banging on like somebody gives a crispy shit about it.”

The 90 casualties, along with the 650,000 rescued survivors were from “Some um-bongo place near the Himalayas” said Knutsford “India? Bangladesh? One of those. Like anyone could frig less where.”
Knutsford went on to say that as long as the price of Nikes didn’t go up, they could wade through chest-deep water for the rest of their lives as far as he was concerned. He then went into a detailed account of a New Orleans family that might have to wait six weeks before their insurance company ponies up for a new Lexus.

Scientist Invents Gene To Stop Sleeping On Couch

“Forgetting Birthday Chromosome” Also Bogus, Admits Boffin

The Swedish scientist who recently published a report suggesting that infidelity amongst men might be genetically motivated has admitted that he faked results “So I could sleep in my own bed and stop getting glared at over the breakfast table”.

Dr Hoorst Ebbsfleet published his research paper “Why Men Might Be Caught In A Travelodge With The Woman Who Works In The Betting Shop” earlier this week in which he stated that the gene SMNTM (She Meant Nothing To Me) might be the cause of extramarital affairs.

“The SMNTM gene mediates several processes throughout the body, including blood pressure and water retention as well as the production of neuropeptide vasopressin” wrote Ebbsfleet in his study. “Studies on test animals showed that inherited defects in this gene group caused a 62% rise in meeting blonde pieces in pub car parks for frenetic knee tremblers while their wife was visiting their sister.”

Ebbsfleet went on to show that lab mice with this genetic defect were more likely to forget birthdays, get drunk and let themselves go a bit. “Given that the observed responses stemmed from an inherited defect as opposed to learned behaviour, we can conclude that laboratory mice’s mates should stop bloody crying every time they look at them and stop checking their phone for text messages every five bleeding minutes.”

The study was a sensation in the scientific community, with one Harvard professor commenting “Dr Ebbsfleet’s findings are extraordinary and will radically change views on the nature/nurture debate, as well as giving me some ammunition about what happened at my office Christmas party last year.”

Early this morning, however, Dr Ebbsfleet called a press conference to admit he had fabricated data in his study. “I have been less than honest in my findings, and for that I apologise” said Ebbsfleet. “While there were suggestions that the SMNTM gene did have some effect on behavioural responses, the conclusions we reached were perhaps more specific than they should have been. But come on, it was three fucking months ago and I’m still on hand rations. I had to do something.”

Obama Has Sex With Marilyn Monroe

Bombshell’s Corpse Exhumed In Kennedy Association Bid

Barack Obama has upped the ante in his bid to be compared with JFK by having sex with the remains of shite dead actress Marilyn Monroe, it was reported today. In a sombre re-enactment of Kennedy’s trysts with the pill-ridden tragedy magnet, Obama was said to have had brief, joyless sex with Monroe’s husk in the back of a limousine whilst driving through downtown Los Angeles.

The limousine driver, Biff Ebbsfleet, said “Mr Obama said he was on his way to a charity fundraiser but had to make a quick stop first. My suspicions were first aroused when two secret service agents got in the back carrying shovels, tarpaulin and big jars of Vicks Vaporub.”
Ebbsfleet went on to say they stopped outside Westwood Village Cemetery for about an hour before he was ordered to drive off again. From the back of the limo he could hear strange noises. “There was a kind of grunting going on, as well as what sounded like somebody retching. I heard something like twigs snapping for a while before I heard Mr Obama shout “Ugghh!!! Ich bein ein sick puppy!” I was then asked to turn the car around and back to the cemetery I went.”

It was only later that Ebbsfleet put together the pieces of the puzzle. “When we got back to the cemetery, the secret service guys were carrying something out the back seat. As they passed a sidewalk vent, a billow of white silk blew up from underneath the tarpaulin. Later, when I was cleaning the limo, amongst the smell of stale vomit and rancid meat, I got a whiff of Chanel No 5, Monroe’s favourite scent. Then the penny dropped”.

This is the latest step in Senator Obama’s campaign to become the new Kennedy, which has included a visit to Berlin, his wife dressing like Jackie Kennedy and his inevitable assassination early in his presidency. His brother, Knut Obama, has been reported as saying “If anyone thinks I’m running for president after Barack gets shot, they can jump in the nearest river and fuck a passing trout.”

Burrell “Didn’t Even Get Tops & Fingers” Say Palace

Palace Call Burrell Claims “Arsecock”

Palace officials have been quick to deny Paul Burrell’s claims to have had sex with Diana Spencer, calling his allegations “A bunch of hairy arsecock. Unpasteurised bullhonky. In short, as convincing as Jude Law’s acting.”

News of Burrell‘s claims surfaced in Sunday’s News Of The World, alongside pictures of ropey tarts who’ve recently sucked off lower division footballers. In an exclusive article (inasmuch as no other paper was prepared to print such unfounded guff), Burrell made several boasts regarding his relationship with the dead royal.

“Diana was a very demanding, emotional woman” claims Burrell. “I was on call 24/7 as part of my job. But that soon developed into constant demands for ball-gagging, dirty sanchez’s and Venetian dry-tagging. All kinds of mucky stuff involving tits and everything.”

Burrell even claimed to have had sex with Diana during an official visit to Great Ormond Street hospital. “We were visiting some kids that had limbs missing. Landmines or something. Anyway, Diana whispered that all these pre-teen amputees were making her really hot. The next minute I’m balls-deep in royal poon in a cleaning cupboard.”

Royal expert Foxton Ebbsfleet was quick to discredit Burrell. “Burrell is a liar, a communist, a humbug and, quite frankly, common. There is absolutely no evidence to suggest Diana ever had sex with anybody, let alone a fat potato-headed oik like him. Her two children were merely the accidental by-product of sitting on the toilet shortly after Charles. She was a chaste, pure lady who never screwed her way through shifty foreigners, rugby players and the like.”

A spokesman for the palace give a more straightforward rebuttal, however. “Of course Burrell’s making it up. In order for him to have had sex with Diana, he would have to not be as gay as a pink poster for a Village People gig. Which he clearly is. The man’s 100% into the brown.”

NHS Researchers Recommend “Lots Of Sex With NHS Researchers”

"I've Got The Cure For What Ails You" Say Health Writers

In an online article published by NHS Direct, members of the public are advised to start an exercise regime that includes “Lots of commitment-free, anonymous sex with NHS researchers.” In the article, entitled “My Cock Holds The Key To Wellbeing”, NHS Direct readers are advised to “Eat healthily, avoid alcohol & tobacco and have regular health checkups. Also, if you’re a female between the ages of 18 and 35 you should email us for some enthusiastic humping.”

According to the article, the health benefits of no-strings intercourse with lowly website writers are impressive. Weight loss, better eyesight and eternal youth are just some of the side-effects promised.



“The article is based on sound scientific principles” stated Tony Ebbsfleet, one of the article’s authors. “It has been proven time and again that meeting up with me for a night of tromboning, spanking and facials can vastly reduce the instances of liver disease and strokes. In fact, just one hour of giving me enthusiatic fellatio in a pub car park can burn off 400 calories and lead to smoother, younger-looking skin.”

However, the article has been criticised by some members of the public as misleading. Gemma, a 19-year-old fitness instructor from Knutsford, read the website and immediately contacted the authors. “I was really worried, because I like to look after myself and to my knowledge I’d never had sex with anybody from NHS Direct.” said Gemma. “They got back in touch within seconds with the address of a nearby hotel where they could ‘sort me out’ as they put it.”

After a three-hour ‘consultation’, Gemma states that she could feel no positive health benefits, although she was hopeful that the video footage taken at the time might give some insights.

Alan Johnson, Secretary Of State For Health, was unavailable for comment but his PA did confirm from personal experience that joyless, hurried sex with cabinet ministers could lead to an increase in trips to Paris.