Thursday, 4 September 2008

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Bigger MPs Did It & Ran Away, Says Darling

At a press conference to explain why the UK economy is going down the shitpan faster than a greased turd, Chancellor Alistair Darling stated that “It wasn’t me, it was some bigger MPs from across the road.” With fuel prices and house prices going respectively up and down like a wanker’s elbow, Darling explained “I came in to work one day and there was already three big MPs sat in my office. They’d thrown the economy all around the room and all messed it up.”

“I told them to stop but they just laughed and threw the rate of interest at me. When I threatened to tell Gordon Brown, they said they’d tell everyone in the House of Commons they’d caught me kissing a dog, with tongues and everything.”

Palin Tops 2008 ‘Hate Fuck’ Poll

Republican Vice President candidate Sarah Palin has topped FHM’s list of hate-fucks for 2008. A late surge in voting after her nomination saw her win out in the list of women FHM readers think are really obnoxious but still wouldn’t mind slapping wrinkles with.

FHM editor Chester Ebbsfleet explained Palin’s love/hate appeal to readers. “Her hatefulness is there for all to see – she’s virulently anti-abortion, opposes gay marriage and believes in creationism. Frankly, she makes the Pope sound like Marilyn Manson.”

“But on the other hand she looks like one them ones from ‘Desperate Housewives’ and we reckon that once the bedroom door closes she’s absolute fucking filth. Strap-ons, rimming, reverse lemon pie, the lot.’”

90 Flood Dead ‘Not American’ Say Reuters

International news agency Reuters have confirmed that the 90 people who died in recent floods, devastating their families and laying bare human grief at its most extreme, were not American. “As such”, said Reuters person Tingly Knutsford “Their families have got some fucking brass neck banging on like somebody gives a crispy shit about it.”

The 90 casualties, along with the 650,000 rescued survivors were from “Some um-bongo place near the Himalayas” said Knutsford “India? Bangladesh? One of those. Like anyone could frig less where.”
Knutsford went on to say that as long as the price of Nikes didn’t go up, they could wade through chest-deep water for the rest of their lives as far as he was concerned. He then went into a detailed account of a New Orleans family that might have to wait six weeks before their insurance company ponies up for a new Lexus.

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