Mayor Backs 2013 ‘City Of Jizz’ Application
London mayor Boris Johnson has promised Londoners blanket WiFi coverage in a bid to have the capital’s populace “Wanking like a bunch of caged monkeys” during an interview with BBC London Radio.
Asked to speak about the technological challenges facing London, Johnson said “Mankind’s intellectual and scientific development can be measured by our ability to access really high-quality grot. For instance, before the invention of the printing press, only those monk chappies could get their hands on woodcuts of maids with their charlies out. But by the use of movable type, Gutenberg democratised bongo for everyone.”
“By installing WiFi coverage across London, it shows us for the forward thinking, cutting edge city we are. It will send a message out across the world that our citizens are second to none in their ability to download scenes of Belgian stippling, clown rinsing and three-way dirty octopus action.”
Johnson believes that blanket WiFi coverage will help the capital’s bid to be named European City Of Jizz for 2013. The main contenders for the honour are Amsterdam, Berlin and Paris, with outsiders The Vatican City also believed to be making a bid.
London organisers have already drawn up a prospective timetable of events, including a wheelbarrow version of the marathon, the opening of “The Museum Of Anal Play” and a spectacular open-air bukkake porn shoot in Regent’s Park. The year-long celebrations would culminate on New Year’s Eve with confetti being fired from aeroplanes across the capital in what organisers describe as “The world’s biggest ever money shot.”
Reaction to the mayor’s plans were mainly positive, with one London cab driver commenting “As it stands, I have to wait until the missus goes to the shops before I can have a right good look at Dutch birds having things stuffed into them. But with internet access across London, I could carry on stirring my hairy cuppa while driving customers about. Marvellous.”
However, one psychologist has warned of the dangers of a syndrome he dubs “Passive Wanking”. Ron Ebbsfleet, Professor of One-Handed Studies at Knutsford University, stated “The enjoyment of really good grumble in the privacy of one’s home, maybe involving yellow play or light genital branding, is perfectly harmless. But millions of people simultaneously shuffling away like demented banjo players could have a domino effect, leaving the whole country engulfed in a listless state of wank daftness that could destroy the economy and perhaps life as we know it.”
London mayor Boris Johnson has promised Londoners blanket WiFi coverage in a bid to have the capital’s populace “Wanking like a bunch of caged monkeys” during an interview with BBC London Radio.
Asked to speak about the technological challenges facing London, Johnson said “Mankind’s intellectual and scientific development can be measured by our ability to access really high-quality grot. For instance, before the invention of the printing press, only those monk chappies could get their hands on woodcuts of maids with their charlies out. But by the use of movable type, Gutenberg democratised bongo for everyone.”
“By installing WiFi coverage across London, it shows us for the forward thinking, cutting edge city we are. It will send a message out across the world that our citizens are second to none in their ability to download scenes of Belgian stippling, clown rinsing and three-way dirty octopus action.”
Johnson believes that blanket WiFi coverage will help the capital’s bid to be named European City Of Jizz for 2013. The main contenders for the honour are Amsterdam, Berlin and Paris, with outsiders The Vatican City also believed to be making a bid.
London organisers have already drawn up a prospective timetable of events, including a wheelbarrow version of the marathon, the opening of “The Museum Of Anal Play” and a spectacular open-air bukkake porn shoot in Regent’s Park. The year-long celebrations would culminate on New Year’s Eve with confetti being fired from aeroplanes across the capital in what organisers describe as “The world’s biggest ever money shot.”
Reaction to the mayor’s plans were mainly positive, with one London cab driver commenting “As it stands, I have to wait until the missus goes to the shops before I can have a right good look at Dutch birds having things stuffed into them. But with internet access across London, I could carry on stirring my hairy cuppa while driving customers about. Marvellous.”
However, one psychologist has warned of the dangers of a syndrome he dubs “Passive Wanking”. Ron Ebbsfleet, Professor of One-Handed Studies at Knutsford University, stated “The enjoyment of really good grumble in the privacy of one’s home, maybe involving yellow play or light genital branding, is perfectly harmless. But millions of people simultaneously shuffling away like demented banjo players could have a domino effect, leaving the whole country engulfed in a listless state of wank daftness that could destroy the economy and perhaps life as we know it.”
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