Tuesday, 16 September 2008

Lehman Redundancies ‘Funny As Fuck’

“WoooHahahaaaaaaa!!!!” Says Expert

The sudden redundancies of 5,000 traders, fund managers and financiers at Lehman Brothers Bank has been dubbed “The single most hilarious thing I’ve seen on the news in years” by economist Connaught Ebbsfleet.

Ebbsfleet, a professor at Knutsford University, states that while the bank’s collapse could have far-reaching implications for the world economy, it may also replace Del Boy falling through that trap door as Britain’s favourite comedy clip. “Some of them were actually crying as they left the office with their pot plants under their arms. Classic, absolutely classic.”

Viewing footage of bewildered city workers, whose company BMWs were taken off them, standing in a confused manner at bus stops trying to figure out how public transport actually works, Ebbsfleet commented “The only pity is that Lehman Brothers didn’t get sufficient warning that the sackings were going to take place. Not to implement some kind of structured rationalisation or anything like that. I just reckon they could have made a bit of quick money selling tickets for the exit interviews.”

Ebbsfleet estimates that at £10 a ticket, Lehman Brothers could have recouped £1.5M by allowing the public to sit and watch each smug, greedy, suit full of fuck-all being given the boot. “Imagine it” said Ebbsfleet “Sitting there with a box of popcorn and a sloppy grin plastered over your face as yet another blank-eyed public school monstrosity is told that his second home in the Dordogne is right out of the frigging window. They’d have to Scotchguard the carpets against fountains of hilarity-induced piss.”

The Isle Of Dogs Jobcentre has prepared itself by ensuring their coffee machine can dispense skinny mocha lattes and there are plans to add a sushi bar. Given the sudden influx onto the job market of city workers, Ebbsfleet gave some suggestions as to how they may be gainfully employed. “I think they should continue in their commitment to the companies they gambled away other people’s money on. Maybe they could go diamond mining in Liberia? Nike need more sweatshop drones and given the high mortality rate of the work, Brazilian tree-fellers are always in demand. They pumped billions into these companies, so maybe they should go out there and die of exhaustion and/or malaria if they thought they were such great organisations.”


Anonymous said...

Ha ha i would have paid $100 or £300 to watch that spetical with popcorn on my lap . The comment about the jobcentre was hillarious and i like the way you gently slipped in about the sweatshops and tree fellers , very clever . This is satire at it's best . I look forward to what you will come up with next and just which news story you will cover . It keeps me quessing and it's the best fun i have had in years . I am loving your blog . I hope it goes 'Viral' it so deserves too !!! .

Anonymous said...

Its people like you sir, that caused this market crash. I speculated on ticket prices and bought one from a guy called Neville outside for £50 expecting some mug to buy it off me for £100 or £300. But I found out it was a ticket for the stationary clerks exit interview and could only get a measly £5.

Lost my shirt today wot wot.

Uwe Kampmann said...

Hi folks, I am from Germany. Anywhere I send you my videolink: The funny Lehman Brothers from Wall street - http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x9crwk
If you google Lehman Brothers in the video section at least I can it see on the first page.
Enjoy it Uwe