Tuesday, 23 September 2008

Juror Shot In Menezes Trial

“She Looked A Bit Jihad-y” Says Met Spokesman

A female juror has been shot and killed during a reconstruction of the last moments of Jean Charles de Menezes for the inquest into his death. While the juror’s identity has yet to be made public, police person Inspector Jack Ebbsfleet has described her as “In her mid-thirties, sort of an Arab-y, Asian-y colour and well dodgy-looking.”

The jury charged with the duty of exonorating the police of any blame and awarding the Menezes family a desultory payout were taken to Stockwell station to recreate the circumstances surrounding the shooting. For added realism, female jurors were asked to swipe their handbag over the Oyster card reader several times before taking their card out while male jurors stand behind them, impatiently tutting to themselves.

As the jurors boarded the escalator to take them to the platform where Menezes died, a police escort is thought to have suddenly screamed “Look out! It’s a detonator!” before pumping twelve rounds of hot metal death into the brainpan of the female juror, who was later discovered to be holding a half-opened can of Fanta.

Inspector Ebbsfleet stated “It is a tragedy that once again, our brave officers have been put through this kind of trauma. I can assure the public they will be on full paid sickness leave until they feel ready to bust caps into the asses of passers-by.” When asked for details about the dead female juror, he replied “We can confirm that she spoke with a funny accent and had one of those gaudy tissue boxes in the rear window of her car. Couldn’t pronounce her ‘W’s. You know the type.”

Electrician Menezes was shot in 2005 by armed police while on his way to work, resulting in Elsie Knutsford of Penge being given possibly the least believable excuse ever for a cancelled workman’s appointment. At the time of his shooting, police blamed “Procedural errors” and the fact that Menezes chose to run away from two plain clothes men waving guns at him and screaming that they were going to shoot him.

The trial was due to take twelve weeks, but this may be extended to give the courts time to find another juror not frightened of being cut down like Peter Weller in Robocop.

48 serving police officers giving evidence in the trial have been granted anonymity, as it is believed that many of them are black, Asian or female. One police witness stated “It’s a good week at work when I don’t find a fresh turd in the shape of a swastika in my locker as it is. If my name was published, I might as well throw myself down a set of stairs.”

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