Shite Christmas Predicted

Britain “To Be Covered In A Blanket Of Despond” Say Forecasters

With the Met Office already stating that a white christmas this year is “As likely as catching Terry Lubbock in a gay clinch with Michael Barrymore”, many experts state that most of Britain will open their curtains on December 25th to “Scenes of unremitting bleakness, bereft of hope, charity or even a hint of rosy-cheeked yuletide jollity.”

Government predictor Tony Ebbsfleet stated “Now the Met Office has had time to collate all the data, it’s clear that this summer was the equivalent of listening to slowed-down Joy Division for a week in a damp bedsit in Clitheroe. This, combined with the unsurprisingly cack weather predicted for winter, means that Christmas Day will be like any other day in December – cold, miserable and dark – with the added negative of all the shops being shut.”

Ebbsfleet fears that other factors will combine to make this year’s festivities “Like being in a Mike Leigh film for three days solid.” With the global economy now more fucked than a dockside prostitute during shore leave, the prospect of some decent gifts seem unlikely, he warns. “I’m on government pay, which is normally a pretty good screw, but the kids are getting frig-all this year. They keep banging on about a Nintendo Wii but the way things are going they’ll be lucky to get a packet of Primark socks split between them.”

Television is unlikely to offer any refuge, as falling ad revenues force broadcasters into making increasingly cheap and tawdry programs. This year’s christmas schedule is set to include:

“Nonentity Love Garage”, in which 12 complete unknowns are incarcerated in an Ilford lockup with 12 crates of Stella and “Ibiza Madness!” on permanent loop, resulting in the dead-eyed contestants circling each other in a sexually predatory manner, like sharks around a blood clot.

“Songs of Condemnation”, a crisis-of-faith program where doubting Christians question God’s need for famine/war/Jude Law through the medium of song whilst weeping uncontrollably. Hosted by Alan Titchmarsh & Richard Dawkins.

“We Can Ruin Your Life”, starring Justin Lee Fucking Collins. An undeserving member of the public is selected at random and the very fabric of their existence is comprehensively dismantled by shady government operatives for no good reason.

“When I was a kid, there were 25 million people tuning in to watch Eric & Ernie” said Ebbsfleet. “This christmas, if over a million people watch some fat pleb crying while a lifestyle expert tells them how worthless they are, it’ll be considered a ratings smash. They’re not even showing The Great Escape, you know?”

When asked how the public can alleviate the predicted awfulness of this year’s Christmas, Ebbsfleet suggested “Getting absolutely Gascoigned as soon as you wake up. Seriously, go to sleep christmas eve with a case of Bells by your bedside. With any luck you’ll be out of it until it’s time to go back to work the following Tuesday.”

Juror Shot In Menezes Trial

“She Looked A Bit Jihad-y” Says Met Spokesman

A female juror has been shot and killed during a reconstruction of the last moments of Jean Charles de Menezes for the inquest into his death. While the juror’s identity has yet to be made public, police person Inspector Jack Ebbsfleet has described her as “In her mid-thirties, sort of an Arab-y, Asian-y colour and well dodgy-looking.”

The jury charged with the duty of exonorating the police of any blame and awarding the Menezes family a desultory payout were taken to Stockwell station to recreate the circumstances surrounding the shooting. For added realism, female jurors were asked to swipe their handbag over the Oyster card reader several times before taking their card out while male jurors stand behind them, impatiently tutting to themselves.

As the jurors boarded the escalator to take them to the platform where Menezes died, a police escort is thought to have suddenly screamed “Look out! It’s a detonator!” before pumping twelve rounds of hot metal death into the brainpan of the female juror, who was later discovered to be holding a half-opened can of Fanta.

Inspector Ebbsfleet stated “It is a tragedy that once again, our brave officers have been put through this kind of trauma. I can assure the public they will be on full paid sickness leave until they feel ready to bust caps into the asses of passers-by.” When asked for details about the dead female juror, he replied “We can confirm that she spoke with a funny accent and had one of those gaudy tissue boxes in the rear window of her car. Couldn’t pronounce her ‘W’s. You know the type.”

Electrician Menezes was shot in 2005 by armed police while on his way to work, resulting in Elsie Knutsford of Penge being given possibly the least believable excuse ever for a cancelled workman’s appointment. At the time of his shooting, police blamed “Procedural errors” and the fact that Menezes chose to run away from two plain clothes men waving guns at him and screaming that they were going to shoot him.

The trial was due to take twelve weeks, but this may be extended to give the courts time to find another juror not frightened of being cut down like Peter Weller in Robocop.

48 serving police officers giving evidence in the trial have been granted anonymity, as it is believed that many of them are black, Asian or female. One police witness stated “It’s a good week at work when I don’t find a fresh turd in the shape of a swastika in my locker as it is. If my name was published, I might as well throw myself down a set of stairs.”

Test Tube Baby Killed In Gang Shooting

“He Literally Had His Whole Life Ahead Of Him” Says Weeping Mother

The number of youths killed in gang-related violence increased by one yesterday, as well as sending their average age spiralling downwards, as a test tube baby was gunned down in an East London fertility clinic.

Met police say that in the early hours of Tuesday morning, Cheese Ebbsfleet was with a group of other test tube babies in Samples, a notorious Drum n Bass fertility clinic in Hackney, when a gang of test tube babies burst in, spraying the room with bullets believed to have been fired from a semi-automatic weapon.

A cleaner, who did not wish to be named, was working in the clinic on the night of the killing and described the series of events immediately before the shooting. “I was just wiping down the freezers when I heard clinking, which I now realise was the sound of test tubes barging their way into the clinic. The next thing I know I hear gunshots."

Ebbsfleet was shot several times and is believed to have died at the scene of his injuries. No other embryos were hurt in the shooting. Police have urged for calm in the zygote community and are on full alert for the possibility of revenge killings.

“Ebbsfleet was part of a local pre-birth gang known as the Pyrex Warriors” said Met person Gregg Knutsford. “Early questioning of his associates suggests the attack happened after he had stolen a petri dish belonging to a rival gang calling themselves IVF Cru.”

The four assailants have been described by police as being “Approximately 12 days old, pink, wearing protective clothing made of agar gel.” Flowers were laid at the scene of the shooting this morning bearing messages such as “Cheese – Bad Congregation Of Cells Of Undetermined Gender 4 Life” and “Miscarriage Of Justice”

Ebbsfleet’s potential mother was being consoled by family and friends but released a short statement. “Cheese was a good eukaryote and would never hurt anyone. My womb is still the way I left it ready for his implantation. I can’t bear to look at it now.”

Rapper Name Changed To “Punkass Bitch”

“Shout Out To All My Alumni” Says Singer

After details of the armed arrest of Nzube Udezue, also known as rapper “Zuby”, came to light, the Coalition Of Rappers, Bling - Loving International Mothafuckin’ Emcees, Yo! have decreed that he must change his stage name to “Punkass Bitch” or “Baby-Ass Mofo”.

Ebbsfleet D, founder of CORBLIMEY!, said “Brother be getting off his train, minding his own shit, when 911 start banging on the mothafucka. ‘Bout to get Rodney King on his ass. Now, we have rules for that kinda shit. If the 5-0 be all up in your face, a rapper got to throw up some gang signs, shout “FUCK you! Represent!” and take his beats like a man.”

Eyewitnesses to Zuby’s arrest suggest he didn’t adhere to CORBLIMEY!’s statutes, however. One stated “When the police raised their weapons and told him to get on the ground, he immediately started crying and appeared to soil himself – front and back, if you see what I mean. He started sobbing that his uncle was a QC and that if they phoned the Proctor of Oxford University they’d realise they’d made a terrible mistake.”

CORBLIMEY! have taken a dim view of Zuby’s behaviour when faced with an actual gun that fires real bullets. “We checked his registration forms and the sucka ain’t packing. No Glocks, Uzis, none of that shit. Next to ‘Weapons Owned’ he wrote ‘Wrist rocket’. What the fuck?”

CORBLIMEY! are now considering whether to revoke Zuby’s membership, citing “Serious pussy-like behaviour.”

Zuby has already made plans to cash in on his new-found notoriety, however. “Oh, indubitably, do you get me? I shall be working all that shit, no question. Do you dig? My new CD will be hitting all reputable shops shortly, my dog, and it will have fat beats, of that you can be assured.”

Demo copies of Zuby’s album “Public Schoolboy” feature tracks such as “Respect Tha Police”, “Straight Outta Oxbridge” and “Nuthin’ But A BA(Hons) Thang”.

Martial Law Declared After Celebrity Relative Killed

“Dead Proles Is One Thing, But Enough’s Enough” Say MET

The war against knife crime was escalated yesterday as it was discovered that the latest youth to be murdered was related to somebody off the telly. In news that has rocked the nation’s capital to the very core of its soul of the heart of its being, the Metropolitan Police confirmed that Ben Kinsella, the victim of Sunday’s stabbing, came out of the same womb as somebody that’s been on Eastenders and everything.

“Being stabbed to death by a pack of feral, blank-eyed teenagers is a daily fact of life for anybody living in London” said Met spokesman Higson Ebbsfleet. “I don’t think any reasonable person is expecting us to do anything about that. We’re not supermen, after all.”

“But this latest senseless murder was just too close for comfort. If Mr Kinsella’s sister, who is friends with Linda Robson you know, had been walking along with him…well, it’s just too horrific to even think about.”

A London-wide curfew of 8pm is expected to be imposed by the end of the week, with anyone out after this time not in possession of an Equity card to be flung into a cage with a rabid gibbon.

“We must protect our nation’s famous people, and their relatives” continued Ebbsfleet. “And if that means providing a personal escort for every last one of them, then that’s what we’ll do. I think the public will agree that, while their own safety isn’t worth a fart in a lift, making sure that people that can sing or act or dance a bit never have to experience brutal, demoralising violence is our key priority.”

When asked whether any charges are being brought in the murders of Henry Bolombi or Sharmaake Hassan, Ebbsfleet stated “Never heard of them. But I’m afraid without a white-sounding name or a celebrity relative, there’s very little for the police to go on. Now, please be careful on your journey home because if something happens, let’s be honest, there’s fuck-all we’ll do about it.”