Tesco To Launch “No Frills” Cigarettes

“All The Sputum, Half The Cost” Promise Retailer

Relentless retailing juggernaut Tesco have caused a storm of controversy with today’s launch of their ‘No Frills’ range of cigarettes. Fiscally-challenged smokers will now be able to buy packets of twenty cigarettes for just two pounds. This is considerably less than the next-nearest priced brand, predictably named ‘Plutocrat’ in line with the inverse rule that the grottier a brand of cigarettes are, the more plush they sound.

“Tesco have always been at the forefront when it comes to offering consumers quality products at bargain prices, and we feel that the expectorating masses should not be any different. Our No-Frills fags will leave shoppers with more money in their pocket as they wheeze their way to the bookies” said Tesco person Damian Ebbsfleet.

The packet will primarily be in the standard blue and white livery of Tesco’s No Frills range. However, in order to comply with government regulations while keeping down costs, the medical council warnings will be written by an unemployed GP recently barred from practising medicine. The warnings will include messages such as “Tabs is bad for you, dickhead” and “Wait until your missus has that sprog before letting her smoke these.”

In another cost cutting exercise, the photographic warnings now mandatory on cigarette packets will be replaced by children’s drawings of tracheotomies and diseased lungs and will be scrawled in crayon. In conjunction with their “Vouchers For Schools” scheme, Tesco will launch an art competition for their No Frills cigarettes. Whichever child produces the best drawing of a deformed foetus will see their artwork used on packets, as well as winning a computer and some pens for their school.

Anti-smoking group ASH have condemned Tesco, with one spokesperson stating “This completely undermines all the work we’ve been doing at ASH. For years we’ve been telling smokers how much money they could save for a holiday if they quit, as if they weren’t already painfully aware of that fact. Now Tesco come along with a pack of fags so ludicrously cheap I’m seriously considering starting up again myself. God, I’ve missed smoking, you know. Go on, can I just have one drag on yours?”

Consumer reaction to the No Frills cigarettes has been positive, however. Dane Knutsford, a lifelong smoker who queued outside Tesco for twelve hours to be the first in line for the new brand stated “These fags are superb for the budget smoker like me. Granted, they do taste like a crematorium roof but they’ll really help me stretch my nash that little bit further. The money I’m saving should keep my floating in White Lightning until dole day rocks around again.”

News & Horoscopes

Internet Blamed For Grattan Redundancies

Home-shopping firm Grattan has shed over 1,000 jobs today amid claims that their catalogue cannot compete with the vast cornucopia of online grot for the attentions of onanistic teenagers. “Thirty years ago, a slightly antiseptic-looking photo of a model wearing a sturdy bra and belly-warming knickers would be enough to send your average teenage thrashing about the room in a blur of self-abuse. Nowadays, by the age of fourteen, most teenagers have access to the kind of depravity that would turn Aleister Crowley into a Mormon.”

The firm are hoping to turn their fortunes around by hiring German porn publishers ‘Das Fuck’ to co-ordinate their summer catalogue. “They have some really interesting ideas on how to make our catalogue more appealing to the jaded sexual appetites of today’s teenager.” said Grattan person David Ebbsfleet. “The underwear is now modelled by being stuffed into the mouths of trussed-up porn actors, for instance. And our jewellery is enticingly being sported through the skin of their genitalia. Our legal team have taken a good, long look at the children’s clothing section but I think we’ll be fine.”




THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPES:

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The winds of change you feel blowing through the workplace is caused by the door they're about to kick you out of. Start stealing stuff.



Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
It's been a tumultuous year for you, relationship-wise. This period is about to come to an end as a 50-year period of celibacy begins.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
A tall, dark, handsome man is about to enter your life and start repossessing all your furniture.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Tensions at home see you choosing to sleep on a park bench to avoid the crushing pointlessness of it all. A good time to start hoarding newspapers.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Pluto, the most useless of all the planets, enters your celestial house this week and starts trying to borrow a tenner until pay day.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Fun-loving Geminis can expect to make a whole new circle of friends as they sit in the waiting room of their local STD clinic.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your no-nonsense, speak-as-you-find attitude is often correctly interpreted by friends as sheer fucking rudeness. Just what is your problem?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Chance encounters are the order of the week for Leo. With that man who's been hovering outside your house for the last few days.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The stars come into a rare alignment, with opportunities galore on the horizon. It's a shame that ham-fisted morons like Virgos will utterly fail to notice them.


Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Beautiful, kind, successful and charming, it's little wonder that everyone will be totally sick of the sight of you this week.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
That heap of junk mail on your doorstep will finally reach the letterbox, alerting the authorities to your un-mourned death eight months ago.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
After a difficult time, things are finally back on track for you. It's probably best not to wonder what that new lump is, really.

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

“Totally Worth It” Says Rabies Victim’s Mother
The mother of Lisa McMurray, who died from rabies after working in a South African animal sanctuary, has told reporters that “If just one scrawny Jack Russell gets a couple more months living in an unventilated cage on some disregarded veldt, then my young daughter’s terrifying death will have been absolutely worth it.”

Ms McMurray reported feeling unwell after having worked for several months amongst savage, spittle-flecked animals in South Africa but is thought to have put the symptoms down to “A wheat allergy or something”. However, when Ms McMurray started snapping at passers-by her family advised her to seek medical attention.

“She was a lovely girl” said one neighbour “And she died doing what she loved best – maintaining the unwanted existence of a bunch of pack animals on the other side of the globe despite nobody actually having asked her to do so. I think that dying in teeth-grinding agony is what she would have wanted.”

Meanwhile Catherine Ebbsfleet, a worker for AIDS Africa, shouting a statement from a makeshift hospital ward outside Johannesburg over the wails of her HIV-ravaged victims, said “Yeah, thanks a bunch for that Lisa. No, don’t worry, I’ll handle this lot by myself.”

Londoners Saved From Dreadfulness
Thousands of Londoners have been spared from experiencing the absolute awfulness of the Midlands after London Midlands rail services were suspended following problems with power lines. Messages of thanks have poured in to the rail company, with one tear-stained letter stating “I was due to go to a conference on sewage treatment in Wolverhampton today. But thanks to your sterling efforts, rather than being surrounded by millions of tons of damp concrete and chatting to people who sound like stroke victims I’m tucked up on the couch watching the West Wing box set I got for Christmas. Win.”

The good news is not set to last, however, with rails services set to resume later this afternoon. A London Midlands person announced “While we understand commuter’s unwillingness to travel to the British equivalent of Mordor, we cannot delay services any longer. Our main duty is to make money quicker than a hooker with twelve cunts so the trains must start running again.”

Usurious Shitefists Forced to Downscale
UK loan firm Cattles, who specialise in offering flat screen TV vouchers to housing estate proles, has had to reduce its workforce by 20% due to the credit crunch. The company, famous for its slogan “Don’t You Worry What ‘65% APR’ Means” announced the job cuts during a press conference held in its head office located under a railway arch in Hull.

Barry Knutsford, chief enforcer for the firm, stated “Given the current economic climate, we cannot continue to employ the same number of ex-boxers to go around intimidating single parent families. We’re confident many of them will find work throwing drunkards down sets of stairs in low-rent nightclubs or holding up petrol stations”.

If Cattles’ fortunes continue to worsen, the board is expected to apply for a government bail-out package. “They helped those other mobs, Northern Rock and them, didn’t they?” asked Knutsford. “So we’ll have a little word with the chancellor and remind him we know where his daughter lives if you know what I mean.”

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Northern Britain “Mostly Appalling” By Early 2009
As the global economic meltdown continues to globally melt downwards, economically, experts have warned that by the middle of next year all of northern England will be “Absolutely wretched”. Ferris Ebbsfleet, Professor of Economics for Knutsford University warned “The last vestiges of Britain’s manufacturing base will be eroded as the downturn continues, and that will inevitably hit the northern England the hardest. With their aversion to daylight, small, malnourished hands and an average wage that wouldn’t buy half a skinny latte in Buckinghamshire, northerners have always been the ideal fodder for your factory.”

But with companies going out of business quicker than recently-deceased prostitute, the existing financial foundation for many northern towns will disappear, leaving them “Utterly appalling” according to Ebbsfleet. “Most of them will be like one of those dreadful Ken Loach films – all sleet and rickets. Apart from some holiday homes in the Lake District, you’ll be able to walk from Stafford to Berwick without encountering a single glottal stop.” Ebbsfleet predicts that the government will have to relocate Hadrian’s Wall 400 miles south to stop marauding gangs of rugby league-supporting yobs invading Home County towns for supplies of bread and dripping.


Christian Groups Condemn “Assisted Suicide Bombing” Group
Fundamentalist Christian group CACK (Christians Against Christian-Killing) have criticised a website that helps victims of terminal diseases choose the moment of their own death in a hail of explosives and shrapnel. “The Bible is clear on the point that killing oneself is a sin” said a CACK spokesperson. “If you happened to spontaneously explode at a military checkpoint, that’s a different matter. But strapping twenty pounds of C4 and wandering around a marketplace in Jerusalem until it rips you apart like an ADD kid’s present on Christmas Day is an offence to god.”

The creator of the assisted suicide bombing website has defended his work, however, stating “We believe it is everybody’s fundamentalist – sorry, fundamental – right to die with quiet dignity surrounded by hundreds of unwitting tourists. Many of the people visiting our site have suffered years of pain living with a progressive, debilitating illness. To me, denying them the right to tear through the lobby of an embassy like a meat grenade is barbaric.”


Queen’s Speech “A Tirade Of Abuse” Says Palace Insider
The Queen’s 2008 Christmas speech is set to be a litany of four-letter words, sexual innuendoes and graphic descriptions of bodily processes, according to a leaked document. “The BBC is going to find itself in further trouble if it’s broadcast uncensored” said the unnamed insider “Especially the part where she says where she’d stick her mace, and what she’d use as a lubricant, if Russell Brand ever tried to prank call her.”

Audiences for the speech have fallen steadily for years since 1996, which saw a record number of viewers watch the Queen suppress giggles as she talked about the death of Diana. “I think she feels that as nobody’s listening any more, she can basically say whatever she wants” continued the insider.

The Queen allegedly uses this opportunity to call David Cameron “Six foot of jumped-up fuck all”, describes the England cricket team as looking like “Ten spastics trying to shoo away a wasp” and dismisses Gordon Brown’s attempts to deal with the recession as “About as effective as me trying to beat out a forest fire using my clit.” The Queen, who apparently swigs from a Glenfiddich bottle throughout the speech, reportedly ends her address by talking to her son Charles directly.

“I would like to take this opportunity to point out what a disappointment you’ve been, Charles” slurs the monarch. “We go to all the trouble of bumping off your last baggage only for you to marry something that looks like a boiled bagpuss. So if you think I’m abdicating you can throw a cock-shaped dart at the moon and hope it hits a bullseye for all the good it will do you. Right, that’s my ten minutes, I’m fucking off. You can stick Eastenders on now, if you want.”

Archbishop Breaks Hypocrisy World Record

Dr Williams Wins Golden Pot/Kettle Award

Dr Rowan Williams entered the Guinness Book Of Records today by eclipsing the previously-held record in rank two-faced-ness during a discussion on the credit crunch. The Archbishop was speaking on The Today Program from his residence at Lambeth Palace, which is situated amongst sumptuous grounds and is tended to by dozens of members of staff.

During his talk, Dr Williams stated that the credit crunch was a “Welcome reality check in a climate of unsustainable greed”, a lack of sustainability that he acknowledged was not shared by the Church of England, currently estimated to be worth over four billion pounds.

This, however, was merely a warm up for Dr Williams’ world hypocrisy record attempt, which arrived when he stated that the credit crunch showed that Britain had "accepted the message that it's not possible to have an endless spiral of accumulating wealth that has nothing to do with producing anything".

On hearing Williams’ statement, presenter Evan Davis was heard to fall backwards off his chair in hysterical laughter. Just before he was dragged out of the studio by a producer, Davis was heard to shout at the Archbishop “Not producing anything?! That’s fucking rich coming from a bunch of layabout psychic leeches like you gang of cu…”

Unperturbed by Davis’ outburst, Dr Williams finished with a flourish, adding "I think there are some huge moral lessons to be learnt about the nature of accumulating wealth.” At this point The Today Program had to cut to a pre-recorded segment as Dr Williams’ staggering achievement in bare-faced double standards was so massive it fused several pieces of studio equipment.

The Church Of England’s press department made a short statement regarding Dr Williams’ comments. “As a clergyman of over 30 years, Dr Williams has a great pedigree in displaying mind-boggling levels of hypocrisy” said spokesdeacon Samuel Ebbsfleet. “But with this, he’s really raised the bar. I’d like to see the Catholics top that one. Although if anyone can, I’m sure it would be that lot.”

The Bishop Of Southwark, asked about Dr Williams comments, merely replied “He’s the Archbishop of Canterbury. It’s what he does. And I’m the Bishop of Southwark. It’s what I do. Nowgivvuzapoundforracanofspeshyoufugga….”

Government To Nationalise Clarkson

“If This £20M Takeover Was A Car, It Would Be An Enzo” Boasts Darling

As the motoring industry posted a 37% downturn on cars sold compared with November 2007, the government has stepped in with an emergency buyout of Jeremy Clarkson. A controlling share of the 48-year-old writer, presenter and bigot was purchased by the treasury last night at a cost of £20M.

“We hope to revitalise the car-purchasing giant by an injection of much-needed money. We appreciate, as it’s your money we’re spending, that it’s probably much-needed by you too, but the cheque has been cashed now so there’s very little we can do about it” said Darling this morning.

While Clarkson will remain nominally in control of himself regarding day-to-day issues such as styling his 1980s footballer hair, the government’s 51% share will allow them to intervene in key decisions. “Government control will ensure that Clarkson remains focussed on his key responsibilities – buying lots of cars he doesn’t really need in an attempt to shore up his understandably fragile ego and encouraging others to do the same” said one treasury spokesman.

It is claimed that the furore over Clarkson’s recent jibes at lorry drivers, his frequent homophobic remarks and every item of clothing he has bought since 1992 could have been avoided under governmental control.

The Top Gear presenter met with the press outside his Chipping Norton home to discuss the government buyout. “Now that I belong to Alistair Darling, I don’t want everyone to feel I’ve become slightly beige, somewhat beardy, a little – how can I put it? - light in the wrist area. For that reason I’m going to drive this little beauty” – at this point he indicated a Scorpion tank parked in his driveway – “all the way to France…then blow up some sheep.” He then went on explain that his two Top Gear co-presenters would be racing him to France on a tandem bike and good-naturedly jesting about what an odious heap of dung he is.

Alistair Darling defended Clarkson’s latest stunt, stating “We knew when we took over Clarkson that it would be a controversial purchase. But we’re confident that he’ll soon be re-energising the British car industry by tearing around an air-field in a Morgan sports car and making tortuous similes about how fast it corners.”

CBI 10-Point Plan Unveiled

“Point 7 Is My Favourite. It’s Boss” Says Lambert

The Confederation Of British Industry has written to Gordon Brown with a ten-point plan that they feel can boost Britain’s ailing economy and save many small businesses. “This is the worst financial crisis since records began” said CBI boss Richard Lambert. “Things are getting so bad that pretty soon we won’t be able to afford to employ the people that keep the records of how bad things have been in the past. It really is going to get that confusingly scary.”

The CBI’s plan is as follows:

1: Employ workers to go around shops and nudge potential buyers, saying things like “Those plasma tellies look mint, don’t they? I’m going to buy one. Are you?”
2: Government subsidised tea fund for offices to increase productivity “With a sliding scale of biscuit support” added Lambert.
3: Add ‘Best Before” dates to expensive electrical items, forcing gadget-obsessed trust fund cockfaces to replace their integrated Blackberry/MP3/Capuccino machines every three months.
4: Lend everyone a fiver until next payday. “People always feel a bit more flush with a borrowed fiver in their pocket” said Lambert.
5: Motivational speakers to give the pound daily pep talks. Key phrases such as “Who’s that handsome son-of-a-currency?”, “Way to fluctuate against the dollar, big P!” and “Who the pound? YOU the pound!” to be barked at currency reserves around the clock.
6: Unemployed models to eye up city traders on the tube during rush hour. “Trading floor confidence is vital to keep the economy stable and what better boost to confidence than having some gazelle-thighed stranger lick her lips at you on a packed Jubilee Line?”
7: No denomination above a five pound note. “People will feel wealthier carrying around sackfuls of pound coins, like a Lord Snooty cartoon” enthused Lambert.
8: Make forgetting a relative’s birthday a criminal offence. Gifts to the value of £10 or more must be exchanged or offenders face three months in jail “Which will be spent as cheap factory labour. It’s win-win, really.” said Lambert.
9: Outlaw the translation of assembly instructions of flat pack furniture, forcing the public to buy British.
10: Temporary freezes on NI contribution liabilites indexed to a stepped reduction on VAT combined with a streamlining of governmental capital spend projects. “I’ll level with you here. I’ve no idea what the last one means but it’ll make Alistair Darling shit his eyebrows when he reads it.” chuckled Lambert.

Gordon Brown has yet to comment on the CBI’s proposals but was recently seen watching a bare knuckle female boxing match whilst idly stroking his crotch and mumbling “Mmm, prudent. You’re a prudent wee ride, aren’t ye?”

Christmas Toy Bestsellers Announced

British Toy Association’s Top Tantrum Inducers

With the economy wheezing on its back like on 80-year-old ex-miner in a forest fire, many have predicted that Christmas 2008 will not be a bumper year for toy retailers. But Nikon Ebbsfleet, head of the British Toy Association, disagrees.

“There are many reasons for toy manufacturers to be optimistic” said Ebbsfleet. “The housing market has shown a slight upturn, inflation rates have been lowered to combat the recession, but most importantly children are solipsistic, screaming bundles of Id that want their desires met immediately. A parent may as well kick an umbrella at the clouds to stop it raining as get between a bawling infant and the toy it wants.”

Ebbsfleet listed his predicted best-sellers for Christmas 2008.

1: Dubai Island
Following the runaway success of Tracy Island in 1992, Mattel have updated the concept for the 21st century. Dubai Island recreates all the thrills of vulgar, excessive opulence for 8-12 year olds. In the hotel concert room, a miniature Celine Dion belts out “My Heart Will Go On” at the push of a button to a crowd of lovingly-recreated despots, faded rock stars and their marble-eyed model girlfriends.

Kids can have fun trying to smuggle gay hotel guests past the armed guards at reception and jolt with delight as the scale model 15’ high electric fence keeps out those pesky poor locals!
(Accessories, such as jewel-encrusted dolphins for the swimming pool, start at £1.8M)

2: Knifeys
From the makers of Heelys come Knifeys, the fashion footwear that comes with a kick! Available in a range of funky, colourful designs, Knifeys are the comfortable new way to make your mark at school, in the playground or at home. Just shift your weight to your heels and a durable, six inch, Teflon-coated hunting blade will deploy from the front of the shoe, making you the king of the cool kids. Tip your weight forward and the patented design cleans the blade as it retracts back into the sole of the shoe. Your folks, your friends and the police will be none the wiser!

3: Credit Crunch Monopoly
All the fun of the original, with a contemporary twist of global financial meltdown. The Old Kent Road still costs £60, but now so does everything else. You start with houses on every property, and the object of the game is to manage to get around the board three times without having all of them repossessed.

Choose your board piece carefully, too. Pick the car and you’ll soon be in financial trouble as each move costs you an extra £10 congestion charge. Choose the top hat and you’ll find yourself ducking the bricks thrown at you by anti-capitalist rioters.

There a dozens of other updates to look out for, from the “Get Out Of Jail On A Technicality” card to “You Won 2nd Prize In A Beauty Contest – Get Date-Raped By A Portugese Premiership Footballer In A Hotel Room” in the ‘Chance’ pile.

Credit Crunch Monopoly – however you play it, we’re all absolutely fucked!

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Government Uses New Synonym For ‘Fucked’
Economy ‘Banjaxed’ If Trend Continues, Says PM

The government confirmed today that a new synonym is to be employed when describing the state of the nation’s economy. As official figures show that Britain’s GDP shrunk between July and September, ministers must now refer to the economy as being ‘in recession’. This replaces the earlier official nomenclature of ‘looking well dodgy’.

Bank Of England director Mervyn King stated “We’ve been monitoring the situation for nearly a year now, ensuring that the proper descriptive term has been employed each step of the way. Early indicators caused us to use “a bit wobbly” which, as things worsened, was changed to “Pete Tong”. During the unprecedented slump in share prices on Black Tuesday, we went through “Oh toss”, “Can’t bear to look” and “Bolloxed” in the space of three hours.

Gordon Brown confirmed King’s appraisal of the economy, saying “We’re throwing as much of your money at the problem as possible, like a madwoman with Parkinson’s decorating a cake in an earthquake.”


Minister Pledges Bouncers At Airports
“Visa? Not With Those Shoes, Pal”

Immigration minister Phil Woolas is to implement a “One in, one out” policy in UK airports and ferry terminals as the population reaches the 70 million mark. In a bid to curb overpopulation, burly men in black bomber jackets will count people entering and leaving the country using those metal clicky things. Anyone popping out of the country for some cigarettes may have to wait in line to re-enter and Woolas made assurances that the offer of a blowjob round the back of Heathrow will not be sufficient to secure entry.

“I’m sure many people would agree with me that the country is in danger of becoming dangerously overpeopled and enough is enough” said Woolas. “Just the other day it took me 45 minutes to find a parking space and I nearly missed my table reservation at Claridges. I don’t think anybody wants to see something like that happening again.”

“In terms of population density, Great Britain is fast approaching the levels of Trinidad & Tobago and Burundi. We cannot allow our country to become the concrete urban hell that those countries are well-known as being.”


Katona Hits Back At Critics
Pig-Faced Tit Carrier Speaks Out Over ITV Interview

Kerry Katona, former not-a-singer with Atomic Kitten, has responded to allegations that she was drunk or on drugs during an interview on This Morning “Wazzafuggin marra wid, wid, eh? What?” said Katona. “Izza not worra I’m sayin, itsa. Itsa, yeah? Ahhahaaa. Fuggin, yerra fuggin. Eh? Scuseme.”

Katona went on to assert “Issa….issa…yerrafuggin FUGGIT! I’mnorra thing widda thing innit snot worra mena like, yeah? Eh?”

Katona’s agent clarified some of the points made, saying “Ms Katona categorically denies being under the influence of alcohol or illegal drugs during the interview on This Morning. But to be reasonable, if you were sat opposite Fern Britton looking like a deflated weather balloon in a wig, you’d need a couple of bracers inside you yourself, wouldn’t you?”

Labour Policies “Retro” Claims Brown

“I Got Recession For You, If You Were Born In The 80s” Says PM

Amid a barrage of criticism about basically everything, Gordon Brown has hit back by calling Labour’s policies “A kitsch, ironic homage to the 80s. Anyone who doesn’t understand is just such a loser.” In an unprecedented move, the government have released an explanatory booklet entitled “Now That’s What I Call Governance” in which they attempt to link every manifest failure to icons of 1980s living. Key components include:


Unemployment: Harking back to the days of Coal Not Dole, the Government are introducing an employment scheme called “Labour’s Not Working: Redux.” It is hoped that as the unemployment figures pass the three million mark, this will inspire a new wave of great bands as it did in the 80s. If properly managed, Britain could have another UB40 on its hands, once more marking this country out as a centre of excellence for anaemic, gingerheaded cod-reggae.

Terrorism: While the Northern Irish Peace Treaty did potentially end hundreds of years of internecine bloodshed, it also left the public crying out for footage of people being bundled in the back of vans, hurried evacuations of shopping centres and the lengthy incarceration of innocent suspects. We’ve taken a great 80s idea – the bogeyman of violent terrorism – and updated it for the multicultural 21st century by slapping a turban on it. Also, by 2009, we intend to bring in a law demanding that any Muslim cleric appearing on the news has his voice overdubbed like we did with that bearded chap back in the day.

Iraq War: Erm, hello? The Falklands? How 80s was that? The Labour Party will not repeat mistakes made by the Tory government and is determined this time to have British soldiers killed pointlessly in a country that’s a lot warmer.


Gordon Brown underlined the government’s pledge to 1980s-style policymaking by revealing “In Downing Street we have a Rubik’s cube with key words painted on each square – “Prudent”, “Security”, “Partnership”, “Timely” – and so on. Whenever we make a new policy announcement, we get Ed Balls to play with the Rubik’s cube for ten minutes and read off the resultant message.”

“The last cabinet reshuffle was decided by a random sequence of colours generated by a game of Simon. And it’s clear that our financial policy of loading the economy with unsecured credit until it exploded was closely modelled on Buckaroo.”

Tesco “Now Richer Than Wall Street”

Chief Executive Awarded Norway In Bonus Package

Tesco unveiled their 10% increase in profits for the first half of 2008 by carving their profit & loss balance sheet in letters 300-foot high into the side of Mount Kilimanjaro. This was then followed by a concert debuting a newly-commissioned piece entitled “Tesco Uber Alles”, played by a 4,000-piece orchestra on instruments made from solid strontium.

Chief Executive Terry Leahy, announcing the boom in profits atop a 1,000-foot high Swarovski crystal tower designed by Sir Norman Foster, said “It’s been a very good year for Tesco so far, but we’ve still got a long way to go to fulfil our aims of owning every single electron of matter on this wretched planet.”

“Other ways of purchasing a few bits for the weekend still exist for consumers, and we should not rest until ‘Tesco’ replaces every verb in every language for the purchasing of goods. I dream of a day when a teenager Tescos his first pushbike, or a married couple celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary by Tescoing some pilchards.”

As the hundreds of thousands of Tesco staff massed in the Tanzanian plains, Leahy revealed his yearly bonus, which is set to include “As many pound coins as there are atoms in a rhino’s cock, 78% of the tea in China, and the delightfully picturesque Scandinavian paradise of Norway”. It is believed Leahy plans to convert Norway into an 18-million hole golf course.

Leahy plans to expand Tesco’s empire by buying out every struggling banking institution on Wall Street and forcing the wealthy financiers to gather trollies in Tesco’s Knutsford branch for minimum wage. He then plans to flatten the offices of JP Morgan and convert the land into a Tesco Metro. “We might do chart CDs, I’m not sure yet.” added Leahy.

Shaky Geoff, the current trolley wrangler in Tesco Knutsford, is reportedly devastated at his forthcoming redundancy. “I don’t ask for much” said Geoff “Just enough money to keep me in batteries so I can listen to my Will Young CD on repeat while I shuffle round the carpark in the rain. Being spat on by the local teenagers, smiling at the lady shoppers ‘til I do a happy cry from my naughty place – that’s all I want. You done a bad, Mr Leahy.”

Shite Christmas Predicted

Britain “To Be Covered In A Blanket Of Despond” Say Forecasters

With the Met Office already stating that a white christmas this year is “As likely as catching Terry Lubbock in a gay clinch with Michael Barrymore”, many experts state that most of Britain will open their curtains on December 25th to “Scenes of unremitting bleakness, bereft of hope, charity or even a hint of rosy-cheeked yuletide jollity.”

Government predictor Tony Ebbsfleet stated “Now the Met Office has had time to collate all the data, it’s clear that this summer was the equivalent of listening to slowed-down Joy Division for a week in a damp bedsit in Clitheroe. This, combined with the unsurprisingly cack weather predicted for winter, means that Christmas Day will be like any other day in December – cold, miserable and dark – with the added negative of all the shops being shut.”

Ebbsfleet fears that other factors will combine to make this year’s festivities “Like being in a Mike Leigh film for three days solid.” With the global economy now more fucked than a dockside prostitute during shore leave, the prospect of some decent gifts seem unlikely, he warns. “I’m on government pay, which is normally a pretty good screw, but the kids are getting frig-all this year. They keep banging on about a Nintendo Wii but the way things are going they’ll be lucky to get a packet of Primark socks split between them.”

Television is unlikely to offer any refuge, as falling ad revenues force broadcasters into making increasingly cheap and tawdry programs. This year’s christmas schedule is set to include:

“Nonentity Love Garage”, in which 12 complete unknowns are incarcerated in an Ilford lockup with 12 crates of Stella and “Ibiza Madness!” on permanent loop, resulting in the dead-eyed contestants circling each other in a sexually predatory manner, like sharks around a blood clot.

“Songs of Condemnation”, a crisis-of-faith program where doubting Christians question God’s need for famine/war/Jude Law through the medium of song whilst weeping uncontrollably. Hosted by Alan Titchmarsh & Richard Dawkins.

“We Can Ruin Your Life”, starring Justin Lee Fucking Collins. An undeserving member of the public is selected at random and the very fabric of their existence is comprehensively dismantled by shady government operatives for no good reason.

“When I was a kid, there were 25 million people tuning in to watch Eric & Ernie” said Ebbsfleet. “This christmas, if over a million people watch some fat pleb crying while a lifestyle expert tells them how worthless they are, it’ll be considered a ratings smash. They’re not even showing The Great Escape, you know?”

When asked how the public can alleviate the predicted awfulness of this year’s Christmas, Ebbsfleet suggested “Getting absolutely Gascoigned as soon as you wake up. Seriously, go to sleep christmas eve with a case of Bells by your bedside. With any luck you’ll be out of it until it’s time to go back to work the following Tuesday.”

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

George Michael Apologises For Wham
“I Clearly Need Help” Says Club Tropicana Singer

George Michael held a hastily-arranged press conference this morning to publicly apologise for his many years of music abuse. “I’ve screwed up, over and over and over and over again” said the tearful star. “From Wham Rap, through Careless Whisper to that one about George Bush that nobody bought, I’ve taken advantage of my fan’s trust to release inspid singles onto an undeserving public.”

Many music insiders feel that patience is wearing thin for the strangely-bearded singer and that his apology might be too little too late. Chips Ebbsfleet of music website Tune A Sandwich said “I think in the 80’s people were a lot more forgiving. Sure, Michael did a hell of a lot of gaudy, poorly-written pop but everyone was doing it at the time.”

The singer is expected to check into a songwriting clinic to “Rid myself of my many demons – limp funk, 5th-form poetry and pretensions to proper soul music.” At time of press, Andrew Ridgely was unavailable for comment. “His shift doesn’t start until 3pm, mate.” explained the manager of A1 Minicabs.


Britain ‘Flooded With Worthless Pound Coins’
‘All Of Them Buy Precisely Tits-All’ Says Royal Mint

The Bank Of England has warned consumers that every pound coin in circulation in Britain is basically just a round bit of scrap metal. “The problem started several months ago when the economy screwed the pooch in spectacular style” said Mint person Tasty Knutsford. “People were confusing them with the South African 5 Rand coin. Not so much because they look the same as because they’ve become worth the same.”

Knutsford continued “The worthless pound coins are very easy to identify. If it’s got “One Pound” written on one side and a picture of the Queen looking smug because she’s still worth a fucking fortune on the other side, then you’ve got yourself one of the worthless ones. You may as well toss them into a wishing well and pray for a topless bird to appear driving an Aston Martin for all the use they are.”

British Telecom ‘Can Fuck Off’ Says Customer

‘No, Really Right Fucking Off’ Customer Adds

After failing to resolve the simplest of faults on a telephone line after two months, a BT customer has stated that “British Telecom can take all their absent engineers, gormless call centre staff, shit technology, woeful customer service skills and fling them all at a shit-covered threshing machine.” They went on to add “And you can include that gormless cunt in their adverts, too.”

After reporting a poor connection on their telephone line two bastard months ago, the BT customer, who wishes to remain nameless, has yet to have the fault rectified. “I use the phone line for broadband to update a daily satirical blog I write” the anonymous customer explained “But thanks to the phone line BT have provided me with, I’d be quicker tattooing the words onto a fucking carrier pigeon to get the job done.”

Excuses for not carrying out the repair works have ranged from “A system failure in our engineer booking department” & “A previously undiagnosed exchange fault” to “The incorrect alignment of Jupiter and Pluto” & “Running out of phone wire stuff.” Despite this, BT have called the customer an average of every three times a week to tell him the line has been fixed.

“Fixed, is it?” the complainant responded. “So whenever I pick up the phone, I meant to hear the sound of The Jesus & Mary Chain frying bacon, am I?” In an attempt to reach a resolution, the anonymous customer will suggest to BT that he’ll pay his bill when they learn to whistle The Star Spangled Banner out of their arse. The useless horde of cunts.

Forbes Release Top 400 Greedy Swine List

“I Could Buy You All” Plutocrat Tells Press Conference

Forbes magazine has released its annual Top 400 Rich List in the midst of a global economic meltdown today, and a surprise entry at 387 was Edna Ebbsfleet, a retired dinner lady from Knutsford. “Eeeh, I’ve never been on any list, me” said Ebbsfleet, adding “I’m 87, you know.” Ebbsfleet’s appearance on the list was due to the £356.27 she has saved in her Post Office account.

Economic expert Ting Fanshaw explained “Mrs Ebbsfleet’s fortune has been built on a sound fiscal model of placing £5 in her savings every pension day. She’s shrewdly avoided the whole sub-prime market and it’s clearly paid dividends.” Mrs Ebbsfleet’s joy at appearing in the Forbes list was short-lived, however, as newspaper columnists quickly condemned her for not sharing her wealth with those more in need.

“It’s disgusting that a grasping old crone like that can sit on her nest-egg while our boys in Iraq can’t even afford straight bullets” said unhinged journo Richard Littlejohn. “Gordon Brown promised a fairer society when he wasn’t elected to number 10, but people like Mrs Ebbsfleet can still sit back and watch the interest on their wealth grow by pennies every year. Oh, and foreigners and poofs are disgusting, in case I hadn’t mentioned it.”

Despite Ebbsfleet’s appearance, the top end of the Forbes list was still dominated by multibillionaires, with Bill Gates featuring at number one with an estimated fortune of $57 billion. Gates recently asked Microsoft advisors “What is this recession thing they keep talking about on the news? Is it a type of cheese? Can you run Windows on it? Can I buy one?”

The number three spot was taken by Hamilton Croesus III, whose personal fortune is an estimated $47B billion. The Croesus family fortune was started in 1848 with “Old Pa’s Slave Emporium”, based in Mississippi. The shop sold items such as the “Old Stripey” whip for the slave trade. They became famous for their slogan “Emancipate Yourself From Troublesome Negras”.

Today, the Croesus business portfolio has diversified into less controversial areas such as the arms industry, South American logging and representing Premier League footballers. At the Forbes press conference, Hamilton Croesus told reporters “Who the hell do you people think you’re looking at? I could have you shot, you know.” When asked his opinion about the current global recession, he replied “We’re all feeling the pinch, my boy. Why, only last week my Lear jet was clean out of ’57 Montrachet.”

Lehman Redundancies ‘Funny As Fuck’

“WoooHahahaaaaaaa!!!!” Says Expert

The sudden redundancies of 5,000 traders, fund managers and financiers at Lehman Brothers Bank has been dubbed “The single most hilarious thing I’ve seen on the news in years” by economist Connaught Ebbsfleet.

Ebbsfleet, a professor at Knutsford University, states that while the bank’s collapse could have far-reaching implications for the world economy, it may also replace Del Boy falling through that trap door as Britain’s favourite comedy clip. “Some of them were actually crying as they left the office with their pot plants under their arms. Classic, absolutely classic.”

Viewing footage of bewildered city workers, whose company BMWs were taken off them, standing in a confused manner at bus stops trying to figure out how public transport actually works, Ebbsfleet commented “The only pity is that Lehman Brothers didn’t get sufficient warning that the sackings were going to take place. Not to implement some kind of structured rationalisation or anything like that. I just reckon they could have made a bit of quick money selling tickets for the exit interviews.”

Ebbsfleet estimates that at £10 a ticket, Lehman Brothers could have recouped £1.5M by allowing the public to sit and watch each smug, greedy, suit full of fuck-all being given the boot. “Imagine it” said Ebbsfleet “Sitting there with a box of popcorn and a sloppy grin plastered over your face as yet another blank-eyed public school monstrosity is told that his second home in the Dordogne is right out of the frigging window. They’d have to Scotchguard the carpets against fountains of hilarity-induced piss.”

The Isle Of Dogs Jobcentre has prepared itself by ensuring their coffee machine can dispense skinny mocha lattes and there are plans to add a sushi bar. Given the sudden influx onto the job market of city workers, Ebbsfleet gave some suggestions as to how they may be gainfully employed. “I think they should continue in their commitment to the companies they gambled away other people’s money on. Maybe they could go diamond mining in Liberia? Nike need more sweatshop drones and given the high mortality rate of the work, Brazilian tree-fellers are always in demand. They pumped billions into these companies, so maybe they should go out there and die of exhaustion and/or malaria if they thought they were such great organisations.”

Recession Will “Weed Out The Arseholes” Says Darling

Five Years Of Economic Misery ‘Cleansing’ Says Chancellor

Chancellor Alistair Darling has defended the UK’s nosedive into a financial dungheap by saying it will “Rid this fine country of the many, many people that hold us back from greatness.”

Launching his new financial initiative, entitled “Less Moaning Bastards For A Better Britain”, Darling stated “Our economy has blossomed under a Labour government, leading to the best standard of living this country has ever seen. An Xbox in every bedroom and an iPod in every pocket, to paraphrase Herbert Hoover.”

“However, economic models throughout the ages have followed the Hegelian model of thesis, antithesis and synthesis. Or to put it another way, we’ve had it sweet for a while, so now we’re up shit street without an A-Z.”

Listing the key areas in which the economy has crashed like a drunken, texting lorry driver into a bus queue, Darling outlined how this will improve the country as a whole:

Property Market: “The general trend has been for a steady rise in property values across the UK. While this has led to increased financial security for many families, it has also led to endless, tedious bastard conversations about how much the nominal value on a chosen heap of masonry has increased over twelve months. Jesus, I’d rather talk about goat farming.”

“And then there’s estate agents. Fucking, fucking, fucking, fuckfucks. A slump in the housing market will realign the public’s perception of what a house is actually for – it’s somewhere to fall into after the pubs have shut.”

Home Fuel Prices: “Many may say that energy suppliers seem to have plucked a figure out of the air, multiplied it by seven, added their daughter’s age then whacked it on to the top of your gas bill. They may well be right, as I haven’t bothered to check. If you think I’m going to cross your average Russian oil trillionaire, you must think I have ‘twat’ sewn into my underpants.”

“But the average age of the UK’s population currently stands at 78. Skyrocketing gas bills combined with a really cold snap round about February will ease the nation’s hospital, pension and cat food burden immeasurably.”

Petrol Prices: “As mentioned above, I really don’t want to wake up in a ditch somewhere with my knees broken and my head on fire, so whatever they want to charge for petrol is fine by me, as long as they leave my bollocks unchewed.”

“But if a litre of petrol eventually costs more than a bottle of 30-year-old single malt whiskey, it will mean that unbearable turds zooming around in their Range Rovers will disappear overnight. And it will piss that Clarkson feller off no end, which can’t be a bad thing.”

Food Bills: “Most of you are too fucking fat anyway. Simple as.”

Darling’s economic strategy has been hailed by financial experts, with one saying “Politics has been dubbed ‘the art of the possible’ but Darling has shown it’s really the art of being a pragmatic, heartless prick.”

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Bigger MPs Did It & Ran Away, Says Darling

At a press conference to explain why the UK economy is going down the shitpan faster than a greased turd, Chancellor Alistair Darling stated that “It wasn’t me, it was some bigger MPs from across the road.” With fuel prices and house prices going respectively up and down like a wanker’s elbow, Darling explained “I came in to work one day and there was already three big MPs sat in my office. They’d thrown the economy all around the room and all messed it up.”

“I told them to stop but they just laughed and threw the rate of interest at me. When I threatened to tell Gordon Brown, they said they’d tell everyone in the House of Commons they’d caught me kissing a dog, with tongues and everything.”


Palin Tops 2008 ‘Hate Fuck’ Poll

Republican Vice President candidate Sarah Palin has topped FHM’s list of hate-fucks for 2008. A late surge in voting after her nomination saw her win out in the list of women FHM readers think are really obnoxious but still wouldn’t mind slapping wrinkles with.

FHM editor Chester Ebbsfleet explained Palin’s love/hate appeal to readers. “Her hatefulness is there for all to see – she’s virulently anti-abortion, opposes gay marriage and believes in creationism. Frankly, she makes the Pope sound like Marilyn Manson.”

“But on the other hand she looks like one them ones from ‘Desperate Housewives’ and we reckon that once the bedroom door closes she’s absolute fucking filth. Strap-ons, rimming, reverse lemon pie, the lot.’”


90 Flood Dead ‘Not American’ Say Reuters

International news agency Reuters have confirmed that the 90 people who died in recent floods, devastating their families and laying bare human grief at its most extreme, were not American. “As such”, said Reuters person Tingly Knutsford “Their families have got some fucking brass neck banging on like somebody gives a crispy shit about it.”

The 90 casualties, along with the 650,000 rescued survivors were from “Some um-bongo place near the Himalayas” said Knutsford “India? Bangladesh? One of those. Like anyone could frig less where.”
Knutsford went on to say that as long as the price of Nikes didn’t go up, they could wade through chest-deep water for the rest of their lives as far as he was concerned. He then went into a detailed account of a New Orleans family that might have to wait six weeks before their insurance company ponies up for a new Lexus.

British Gas Sends Turd To Every Customer

“Eat My Fluffy Waste” Says Chief Exec



After posting profits of £58 per second for 2008 just days after raising their prices by 35%, British Gas-owned Centrica have sent an explanatory letter to every customer in the UK wrapped around a freshly-laid human cable.

The letter, written by Centrica Chief Executive Piper Ebbsfleet, says:

“Dear Customer*

We understand there has been some concern** over our 35% price increases in light of the publicised profits made by Centrica this year.***

We would like to assure all our customers that the price increases were unavoidable and that your continued custom is appreciated.****

You will have found enclosed in the envelope a freshly-wrapped chunk of my digestion. We would ask all customers to carefully unwrap the parcel, pop it in a microwave for thirty seconds, then BITE DOWN ON MY FUCKING SHIT, YOU WORMS! EAT IT! EAT ALL OF IT! SCUM! YOU’RE ALL SCUM & I’LL CHARGE YOU WHAT THE CUNT I LIKE! AAAAHAHAHAAA!!!”

Yours, with respect

Piper Ebbsfleet
Chief Executive
Centrica


*Fuckhorse
** Sheer, carpet-biting fury
***Your hard-earned money paying for our coke, whores and cokewhores. Ha!
****Actually, we’d like to bitchslap each of you with a socket spanner, you worthless swine. Try and get gas somewhere else. Go on, I’ll wait. Dig a fucking well in your back garden for all the good it will do you.


Consumer group Energywatch has described Ebbsfleet’s response as “disappointing” and some Centrica customers feel their grievances are not being taken into consideration.

One Knutsford man, who wished to remain nameless, said “I’m a pensioner and I struggle to pay my gas bills. I phoned them the other week to complain and I was expecting an explanation. Not some sweetcorn-ridden lump with streaks of blood in it.”

Fuel Prices Hit Teen Drug Users

80% Cannot Afford Butane Addiction


Spiralling fuel prices have forced many teenage drug users to look to alternative methods for getting fucked off their tit, says drug counselling service Addaction. With gas prices due to rise 70% in the coming months, many teens simply cannot twock car stereos fast enough to meet their demand for butane, which will crash through the £4 per can barrier by September. In comparison the base rate of inflation for pocket money has been a mere 8%

“The government needs to act on this immediately” said Ryan Ebbsfleet of Addaction “or the nation’s can-heads will simply be priced out of the market.” Addaction feels that fuel price rises will have the effect of marginalising the poorer elements of society. “There was a time when solvent abuse was the most egalitarian of drug addictions. You didn’t need to have a silver spoon in your mouth to have a lighter refill up your nose.”

“But now it’s going to be the rush of choice for the middle classes. Only the privileged will be able to get munted on aerosols and as usual, the lower classes get left behind.”

Ebbsfleet has estimated that by February 2009, it will be cheaper to mong yourself up on generic brand sherry than solvents and a way cabbaging the nation’s young will be lost forever. “It will go the way of badger-baiting and mead as a way of kids getting their rocks off. Gas-huffing will be something people will tell their grandchildren about.”

Already, some enterprising youths have begun sourcing alternative forms of high. The Knutsford Pony Club has already reported 45 of their horses having their hooves cut off. “The little bleeders sneak in here of an evening, anaesthetise the horses, cut their hooves off and bugger off to boil them down for glue to sniff. It’s disgusting. Why don’t they just shoot up the horse tranquiliser, that’s what I want to know? I used to love sinking into a K-hole as a kid.”

Britain Faces Tat Shortage

Ldl & Woolworths Action Could Grind UK’s Cack Economy To Halt

Strike action by Argos workers is threatening to deprive consumers of shoddy, gaudy shite through the UK, the Department Of Trade has warned. With other retail outlets such as Iceland and Poundland balloting its members, council estate denizens across the country could soon be forced to rummage in bins for its tawdry gewgaws.

“This could spell disaster for the economy.” said DoT spokesman Hunters Ebbsfleet. “2007 figures showed that 29% of high-street purchases consisted of flimsy, mass-produced shod that would fall to bits within three months. In our supermarkets, a massive 38% of food purchases were barely-edible excretia I personally wouldn’t force upon my dog. Usually shaped liked dinosaurs or Jay Z or something. Uck.”

The ballot by Argos workers was taken yesterday, with the options on the ballot paper marked as either “Wah? Yeah. S’pose” or “Shurrup. No way, like.”. There were initial fears that striking Argos workers would be impossible to differentiate from nominally ‘active’ members of staff. This was avoided by striking workers due to wear a commemorative Elizabeth Duke silver-plated ‘Picket Line’ badge.

Union representative Gerry Knutsford made clear the demands that must be met before Argos staff return to gossiping about who shagged who against the bins behind Glitzy’s last Saturday. “All we’re asking for is an indolent, barely mobile day’s work in return for a completely unrepresentative day’s pay.”

But with other high street crudmerchants voting on industrial action and Argos bosses, very much like their dead-eyed peons, refusing to budge, the outlook seems bleak for the nation’s feral unemployables. “Trust me” warned Ebbsfleet “If the situation continues, they’ll be out of Sunny Delight and Sean Paul posters before the week is out. Then it’s going to look like a burberry-covered Dawn Of The Dead. Thank Christ I live in Buckinghamshire, that’s all I can say.”