Entire Christmas Top 40 To Consist Of ‘Hallelujah’ Covers

Festive Rundown “Like A Bleak Groundhog Day” Says Dr Fox

The race to be the Christmas Number One single promises to be an especially confusing one this year after it was revealed by chart experts that all of the top 40 spots will be filled by versions of Leonard Cohen’s maudlin sobfest ‘Hallelujah’.

Shouty tearmonger Alexandra Burke is expected to top the charts with her sandblasting of the song, although health and safety experts have warned the public to listen to her single wearing protective earmuffs, preferably while sat two miles away inside a lead-lined shed. “We previously thought Christina Aguilera stubbing her toe during a bukkake party was the loudest voice in existence” said one H&S official “But after taking meter readings of Burke’s performance in the X Factor final, we discovered that standing next to the singer while she’s in full flow is the equivalent of sticking your head inside a Boeing jet engine while Motorhead albums are flung at the spinning blades.”

Non-buoyant ex-alive crooner Jeff Buckley is expected to take the number two spot with his version and Cohen himself is tipped to be in the number three spot, making the Christmas edition of Top Of The Pops “Downright fucking weird” according to pointless DJ Dr Fox. “Normally on the Xmas TOTP, the bands will have a bit of a mess around, maybe drape some tinsel over their drumkit. This year we’re going to have a walking octogenarian suicide note, a waterlogged corpse and a human loud hailer. Roy Wood dyeing his beard red seems like a blessed relief in comparison.”

Forty seven other performers have jumped onto the Hallelujah bandwagon, including perennial yuletide chart infector Cliff Richard, whose version of the song will be spliced with text from Book II of the Corinthians. “At this time of year, I think that any song that raises awareness of religion is pretty cool, yeah?” said Richard over the sound of a bag being emptied. “But hey, that doesn’t mean we can’t rock n roll, okay?”. A sample lyric of Richard’s version is:

“Well, maybe there's a God above

But all I've ever learned from love

Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you.
And to pass by you into Macedonia,
And to come again out of Macedonia unto you,
And of you to be brought on my way toward Judaea.”

Other bands releasing versions of Hallelujah are to include The Jonas Brothers’ “Hallelujah (I’ve Still Not Got My Cock Wet)”, Coldplay’s version of ‘Hallelujah’ which Chris Martin claims to have written himself and Bob The Builder’s “Hallelujah – Can We Fix It?”

“Well Obviously ‘Porn’ As Well”, Say Google

Top Ten Search Terms Published

Google have released their top ten search queries of 2008, with ‘Facebook’, ‘Youtube’ and ‘BBC’ topping the UK list. “This shows that we’re the search engine of choice for listless, disaffected office workers counting down the hours until their company is swallowed up like a cold, unregarded planet by the ravenous black hole of global economy” said Google person Higgs Ebbsfleet.

The search engine is the most widely-used on the planet. It employs a number of complicated algorithms, word-recognition software and constant scanning of web content before displaying the websites of whomever has paid them the most money. “When it comes to accuracy, Google is second to none in showing the user which firm has thrown the most cash our way” said Ebbsfleet.

The company were quick to answer criticism that their poll findings were inaccurate, with Ebbsfleet stating “We’ve left off the more obvious terms, otherwise the top ten would look like the thought patterns of teenage erotomaniac wanking their way down the Reeperbahn whilst snorting Viagra.” Some of terms left out of the survey included “Porn”, “Anal”, “Teen Anal”, “Dry Dutch Clam Farming” and “Free Porn”.

“Although the internet is now the mainstream platform regarding the dissemination of sports, entertainment, information and news across the globe, 98% of it is still a pink globulous mass of bodily fluids and moustaches” admitted Ebbsfleet.

Google also published the ten fastest-rising global queries of 2008, with the term ‘Sarah Palin’ just beating the term “Soulless Fundamentalist Hate-Fuck” onto the list. Other inclusions were “Euro 2008”, “Jonas Brothers” and “Publicity Masquerading As News”.

It was estimated that somebody asked Google a question approximately 400 million times a day, which is 5,391 times more often than people asked themselves whether they could be doing something a lot more fruitful with their lives than looking at another limb entering another orifice ill-suited to the purpose.

When asked what terms he predicted would make it into the 2009 top ten, Ebbsfleet stated “It depends on so many factors – global politics, the newest boy band, sporting events and so on – but if I were a gambling man, I’d say the phrase “Obama Assassination” was a fairly safe bet.”

Christmas Toy Bestsellers Announced

British Toy Association’s Top Tantrum Inducers

With the economy wheezing on its back like on 80-year-old ex-miner in a forest fire, many have predicted that Christmas 2008 will not be a bumper year for toy retailers. But Nikon Ebbsfleet, head of the British Toy Association, disagrees.

“There are many reasons for toy manufacturers to be optimistic” said Ebbsfleet. “The housing market has shown a slight upturn, inflation rates have been lowered to combat the recession, but most importantly children are solipsistic, screaming bundles of Id that want their desires met immediately. A parent may as well kick an umbrella at the clouds to stop it raining as get between a bawling infant and the toy it wants.”

Ebbsfleet listed his predicted best-sellers for Christmas 2008.

1: Dubai Island
Following the runaway success of Tracy Island in 1992, Mattel have updated the concept for the 21st century. Dubai Island recreates all the thrills of vulgar, excessive opulence for 8-12 year olds. In the hotel concert room, a miniature Celine Dion belts out “My Heart Will Go On” at the push of a button to a crowd of lovingly-recreated despots, faded rock stars and their marble-eyed model girlfriends.

Kids can have fun trying to smuggle gay hotel guests past the armed guards at reception and jolt with delight as the scale model 15’ high electric fence keeps out those pesky poor locals!
(Accessories, such as jewel-encrusted dolphins for the swimming pool, start at £1.8M)

2: Knifeys
From the makers of Heelys come Knifeys, the fashion footwear that comes with a kick! Available in a range of funky, colourful designs, Knifeys are the comfortable new way to make your mark at school, in the playground or at home. Just shift your weight to your heels and a durable, six inch, Teflon-coated hunting blade will deploy from the front of the shoe, making you the king of the cool kids. Tip your weight forward and the patented design cleans the blade as it retracts back into the sole of the shoe. Your folks, your friends and the police will be none the wiser!

3: Credit Crunch Monopoly
All the fun of the original, with a contemporary twist of global financial meltdown. The Old Kent Road still costs £60, but now so does everything else. You start with houses on every property, and the object of the game is to manage to get around the board three times without having all of them repossessed.

Choose your board piece carefully, too. Pick the car and you’ll soon be in financial trouble as each move costs you an extra £10 congestion charge. Choose the top hat and you’ll find yourself ducking the bricks thrown at you by anti-capitalist rioters.

There a dozens of other updates to look out for, from the “Get Out Of Jail On A Technicality” card to “You Won 2nd Prize In A Beauty Contest – Get Date-Raped By A Portugese Premiership Footballer In A Hotel Room” in the ‘Chance’ pile.

Credit Crunch Monopoly – however you play it, we’re all absolutely fucked!