Entire Christmas Top 40 To Consist Of ‘Hallelujah’ Covers

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The race to be the Christmas Number One single promises to be an especially confusing one this year after it was revealed by chart experts that all of the top 40 spots will be filled by versions of Leonard Cohen’s maudlin sobfest ‘Hallelujah’.

Shouty tearmonger Alexandra Burke is expected to top the charts with her sandblasting of the song, although health and safety experts have warned the public to listen to her single wearing protective earmuffs, preferably while sat two miles away inside a lead-lined shed. “We previously thought Christina Aguilera stubbing her toe during a bukkake party was the loudest voice in existence” said one H&S official “But after taking meter readings of Burke’s performance in the X Factor final, we discovered that standing next to the singer while she’s in full flow is the equivalent of sticking your head inside a Boeing jet engine while Motorhead albums are flung at the spinning blades.”

Non-buoyant ex-alive crooner Jeff Buckley is expected to take the number two spot with his version and Cohen himself is tipped to be in the number three spot, making the Christmas edition of Top Of The Pops “Downright fucking weird” according to pointless DJ Dr Fox. “Normally on the Xmas TOTP, the bands will have a bit of a mess around, maybe drape some tinsel over their drumkit. This year we’re going to have a walking octogenarian suicide note, a waterlogged corpse and a human loud hailer. Roy Wood dyeing his beard red seems like a blessed relief in comparison.”

Forty seven other performers have jumped onto the Hallelujah bandwagon, including perennial yuletide chart infector Cliff Richard, whose version of the song will be spliced with text from Book II of the Corinthians. “At this time of year, I think that any song that raises awareness of religion is pretty cool, yeah?” said Richard over the sound of a bag being emptied. “But hey, that doesn’t mean we can’t rock n roll, okay?”. A sample lyric of Richard’s version is:

“Well, maybe there's a God above

But all I've ever learned from love

Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you.
And to pass by you into Macedonia,
And to come again out of Macedonia unto you,
And of you to be brought on my way toward Judaea.”

Other bands releasing versions of Hallelujah are to include The Jonas Brothers’ “Hallelujah (I’ve Still Not Got My Cock Wet)”, Coldplay’s version of ‘Hallelujah’ which Chris Martin claims to have written himself and Bob The Builder’s “Hallelujah – Can We Fix It?”

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Tomorrow will see the much-anticipated finale of X Factor 2008, in which 3 acts will vie for the crown of “Person Who’s Not Bad At Singing Somebody Else’s Songs” 2008.

The show started way back in January as the X Factor team trawled the country for the potential Next Big Thing alongside several hundred thousand deluded retards who could barely read the waiver form they dragged their thumbprint across.

Millions of viewers leaned forward in their seats, anticipating yet another moon-faced dullard keening their way through Celine Dion, then blinking with incomprehension as the quartet of life’s lottery winners fired scorn at their ludicrously overambitious aspirations.

An estimated 4,500 gallons of hot, chip-scented tears have been wept by rejected candidates as they galumphed out of the auditions, their slack-faced brood of family & friends swarming around them like a locust storm of tragedy, while they muttered incoherent threats over their pale, flabby shoulders at the judges.

Eventually the wheat was sorted from the genetic and societal chaff and twelve finalists were picked on the basis of talent, attitude and ability to be impressed with the prospect of meeting Mariah Carey. The faint stool of hope was then kicked from under the feet of nine more contestants each week, leaving them dangling on the noose of thwarted ambition for some compelling television. This resulted in tomorrow night’s three finalists, who are:

Alexandra Burke: The Woolworths Whitney Houston has impressed the public by being able to sing so loudly the picture frames in their living rooms rattle even when the television is switched off. Easily-impressed viewers have mistaken this for vocal range and have backed her all the way through to Saturday’s show. Her nondescript good looks and bland affability might just be enough to pass for star quality and see her win through.

JLS: What would have happened if Boyz II Men never rehearsed, JLS have graced the competition with their vaguely-approximate harmony singing and innovative image, with each band member having their own ‘signature colour’. “If only the Beatles had assigned a colour to each band member” twittered JLS mentor Louis Walsh from atop a pile of Lucky Charms “They could have really hit the big time.”

Eoghan Quigg: The puffy-faced anagram and singing foetus has won the nation’s affections by attaining an almost zen level of mediocrity. Nipple-trousered mentor Simon Cowell has claimed his protégé’s dedication to bland neutrality has greatly impressed him. “Eoe…Oweee…the lad’s ability to be not especially noticeable in every facet of his existence is incredible” said Cowell. “Normally boys his age will be remarkable or distinctive in some manner – acne, piercings, spontaneous, unwanted erections. But he’s so astoundingly nothing, I’ve found myself forgetting who it is I’m speaking to halfway through a conversation with him.”

The winner of tomorrow’s final will have their version of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” released as a single, with most of the proceeds used to file restraining orders against irate Cohen fans intent on throttling whomever the singer may be. As an interesting side-note, production of the single will be carbon-neutral as the pressing plant will be powered from a dynamo attached to Jeff Buckley’s spinning corpse.