Archbishop Breaks Hypocrisy World Record

Dr Williams Wins Golden Pot/Kettle Award

Dr Rowan Williams entered the Guinness Book Of Records today by eclipsing the previously-held record in rank two-faced-ness during a discussion on the credit crunch. The Archbishop was speaking on The Today Program from his residence at Lambeth Palace, which is situated amongst sumptuous grounds and is tended to by dozens of members of staff.

During his talk, Dr Williams stated that the credit crunch was a “Welcome reality check in a climate of unsustainable greed”, a lack of sustainability that he acknowledged was not shared by the Church of England, currently estimated to be worth over four billion pounds.

This, however, was merely a warm up for Dr Williams’ world hypocrisy record attempt, which arrived when he stated that the credit crunch showed that Britain had "accepted the message that it's not possible to have an endless spiral of accumulating wealth that has nothing to do with producing anything".

On hearing Williams’ statement, presenter Evan Davis was heard to fall backwards off his chair in hysterical laughter. Just before he was dragged out of the studio by a producer, Davis was heard to shout at the Archbishop “Not producing anything?! That’s fucking rich coming from a bunch of layabout psychic leeches like you gang of cu…”

Unperturbed by Davis’ outburst, Dr Williams finished with a flourish, adding "I think there are some huge moral lessons to be learnt about the nature of accumulating wealth.” At this point The Today Program had to cut to a pre-recorded segment as Dr Williams’ staggering achievement in bare-faced double standards was so massive it fused several pieces of studio equipment.

The Church Of England’s press department made a short statement regarding Dr Williams’ comments. “As a clergyman of over 30 years, Dr Williams has a great pedigree in displaying mind-boggling levels of hypocrisy” said spokesdeacon Samuel Ebbsfleet. “But with this, he’s really raised the bar. I’d like to see the Catholics top that one. Although if anyone can, I’m sure it would be that lot.”

The Bishop Of Southwark, asked about Dr Williams comments, merely replied “He’s the Archbishop of Canterbury. It’s what he does. And I’m the Bishop of Southwark. It’s what I do. Nowgivvuzapoundforracanofspeshyoufugga….”

“Leave Me Out Of This” Says God

Palin Eyes Further Humiliation in 2012

As Alaskan Governor and self-confessed “Numbnuts in lipstick” Sarah Palin gave her first interview following the Republican party’s comprehensive beatdown in the presidential election, she managed to run into controversy with the Almighty Creator within the first fifteen seconds.

“I was like, “Wow God, I’m like completely up for whatever you want me to do next.” said Palin. “Is it something to do with doors, God? You want me to, kinda, sell doors or something? What was that God? You want me to walk through a door? ‘Cause if the door ain’t open, God, I will, like, totally just crash right through it, yeah? For you.”

“Then God stopped speaking to me, so I had some pop tarts and watched Desperate Housewives. I love that show. I love horses too. Don’t you love horses? I love horses.”

God hastily arranged a press conference to rebut Ms Palin’s allegations. “Look, I’m sick of all the innuendo and rumour surrounding my relationship with this woman” said a clearly tired and emotional omnipotent being.

“I admit that my infinite power and wisdom may have set in motion the whole universe in which Ms Palin exists and for that I apologise. But to suggest that I’m in some way responsible for her views on, well, pretty much everything is unfair. If you must know, what I actually said was “Don’t let the door slam your arse on the way out.” But fuck me if she didn’t make a hash of even a simple message like that.”

Palin went on to blame the fact she’s a Republican for her campaign’s failure. “I ran as a Republican and everyone was like “Ohmygod, the Republicans and their skanky 10 trillion-dollar debt, they’re so gross. No way am I voting for them.” But it so not my fault. That debt was like, completely there when I arrived. It’s so unfair.”

Despite the heavy defeat, Palin feels that the campaign did well. “There was just millions of people who voted for me and John and that was so super sweet of them. It was like John and me were running for prom king & queen and it was really uncool that more people voted for that other guy? Pyjama or whatever his name is? They said it had nothing to do with race but it so totally was which is so heinous as I can’t help being white, right?”

Palin stated her intention to run for office in 2012, but The Lord God had one final message regarding her candidacy. “I’ve got one word for you. Smiting. You remember the whole smiting business way back in the day? Well that account’s still open with you people. That’s all I’m saying.”