Archbishop Breaks Hypocrisy World Record

Dr Williams Wins Golden Pot/Kettle Award

Dr Rowan Williams entered the Guinness Book Of Records today by eclipsing the previously-held record in rank two-faced-ness during a discussion on the credit crunch. The Archbishop was speaking on The Today Program from his residence at Lambeth Palace, which is situated amongst sumptuous grounds and is tended to by dozens of members of staff.

During his talk, Dr Williams stated that the credit crunch was a “Welcome reality check in a climate of unsustainable greed”, a lack of sustainability that he acknowledged was not shared by the Church of England, currently estimated to be worth over four billion pounds.

This, however, was merely a warm up for Dr Williams’ world hypocrisy record attempt, which arrived when he stated that the credit crunch showed that Britain had "accepted the message that it's not possible to have an endless spiral of accumulating wealth that has nothing to do with producing anything".

On hearing Williams’ statement, presenter Evan Davis was heard to fall backwards off his chair in hysterical laughter. Just before he was dragged out of the studio by a producer, Davis was heard to shout at the Archbishop “Not producing anything?! That’s fucking rich coming from a bunch of layabout psychic leeches like you gang of cu…”

Unperturbed by Davis’ outburst, Dr Williams finished with a flourish, adding "I think there are some huge moral lessons to be learnt about the nature of accumulating wealth.” At this point The Today Program had to cut to a pre-recorded segment as Dr Williams’ staggering achievement in bare-faced double standards was so massive it fused several pieces of studio equipment.

The Church Of England’s press department made a short statement regarding Dr Williams’ comments. “As a clergyman of over 30 years, Dr Williams has a great pedigree in displaying mind-boggling levels of hypocrisy” said spokesdeacon Samuel Ebbsfleet. “But with this, he’s really raised the bar. I’d like to see the Catholics top that one. Although if anyone can, I’m sure it would be that lot.”

The Bishop Of Southwark, asked about Dr Williams comments, merely replied “He’s the Archbishop of Canterbury. It’s what he does. And I’m the Bishop of Southwark. It’s what I do. Nowgivvuzapoundforracanofspeshyoufugga….”

Church Of England To Allow Atheist Bishops

“Let’s Not Get Hung Up On The Whole God Thing” Says Dr Williams

The Church of England’s General Synod (NB: General Synod is the legislative body of the CoE and not, as previously thought, Darth Vader’s second in command) has overturned hundreds of years of doctrine by allowing atheist bishops.

Dr Rowan Williams stated “Belief in a benevolent, all-knowing creator is a matter of personal choice. If somebody can carry off wearing a surplice, keeps their hands off the kids and can pull in the punters, quite frankly they can believe the world was pooped out the bottom of a giant astral meerkat for all I care.”

The move follows the synod’s decision to allow female bishops, which commentators feel was due to many Archbishop’s inability to explain what a woman actually was in public. When the synod was questioned what physical attributes should bar people from wearing daft hats and organising tombolas, Dr Williams stammered for several minutes, flushed visibly, muttered something about “boobies” before deciding to allow women into their club.

But conservative elements within the CoE feel that the synod has taken a step too far. Eliasaph Ebbsfleet, chief wrangler for the Church of the Saturday Saints, has warned that the very foundation of the mother church is at risk. “God is on record as clearly stating that if you don’t believe in him, he will beat the living tar out of you for all eternity. The idea that somebody can now waltz into a cushy six-figure job without even thinking his boss exists is plain lunacy.”

“The Bible is clear on a number of other issues. Not least of which is that women are just bloody awful. Look, it says here in Corinthians: ‘Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak’. But try telling that to parishioners these days and you’ll get a size four Jimmy Choo in your clackers.”

Ebbsfleet feels standards have been slipping for several years. “Personally, I reckon it’s all gone bollocks-up since they started letting that Titchmarsh feller present Songs Of Praise. Awful man.”