Giant Ice Crab Blamed For UK Freeze

“Millions May Have To Rub Their Hands Together” Experts Warn

The whole nation was stunned this morning as it awoke to find that it was a bit chilly outside. Emergency services were flooded with calls from people asking why their feet were really cold, transport was thrown into disarray as large sections of a slippery substance known as ‘ice’ appeared on roads & railway lines and NHS advisors have issued a warning to the public that they might want to put on a jumper or something.

Weather person Edward Ebbsfleet stated “Temperatures that dip below zero have taken us completely by surprise. The UK is usually a balmy, tropical island and we’re more used to giving advice on how to cope with heatstroke. We’re at a loss as to how this has happened.” The scientific community has put forward several competing theories to explain why Britain’s millions of commuters can no longer travel to work wearing flip flops in comfort.

Some have posited the notion that the Earth’s rotation around the sun is an ellipse, causing it to be further away from its warming rays for several months and has caused the phenomenon, dubbed ‘winter’, in the UK for millions of years. But the more widely-held belief is that the country is currently in the grip of a colossal intergalactic ice crab named “Humungo” who was angered after the UK failed to vote Eoghan Quigg the winner of last year’s “X Factor”.

“Humungo is not a fan of Alexendra Burke and feels that Quigg would have broader appeal amongst pre-teen pop fans” says Ebbsfleet. “He is a mighty crustacean, with a short temper, and his claws of snowy doom encircle our nation. It’s surely no coincidence that the onset of these lower temperatures occurred after the X Factor final. If the public can ensure Quigg’s debut single gets to number one, we can only hope that Humungo will be appeased and take his wrath elsewhere.”

Until this happens, Ebbsfleet has offered several tips to stay warm. “Closing all exterior doors and windows seem to be effective and if you have radiators in your house, making them go all warm might help. We’ve had unconfirmed reports that a nice hot cup of tea can also reverse the effects.”

But while Humungo’s pincers of freeze continue to hold the country in their chilly embrace, it is feared that many more will succumb to the crisis already being dubbed as “Like Autumn only a lot more parky.”

Shite Christmas Predicted

Britain “To Be Covered In A Blanket Of Despond” Say Forecasters

With the Met Office already stating that a white christmas this year is “As likely as catching Terry Lubbock in a gay clinch with Michael Barrymore”, many experts state that most of Britain will open their curtains on December 25th to “Scenes of unremitting bleakness, bereft of hope, charity or even a hint of rosy-cheeked yuletide jollity.”

Government predictor Tony Ebbsfleet stated “Now the Met Office has had time to collate all the data, it’s clear that this summer was the equivalent of listening to slowed-down Joy Division for a week in a damp bedsit in Clitheroe. This, combined with the unsurprisingly cack weather predicted for winter, means that Christmas Day will be like any other day in December – cold, miserable and dark – with the added negative of all the shops being shut.”

Ebbsfleet fears that other factors will combine to make this year’s festivities “Like being in a Mike Leigh film for three days solid.” With the global economy now more fucked than a dockside prostitute during shore leave, the prospect of some decent gifts seem unlikely, he warns. “I’m on government pay, which is normally a pretty good screw, but the kids are getting frig-all this year. They keep banging on about a Nintendo Wii but the way things are going they’ll be lucky to get a packet of Primark socks split between them.”

Television is unlikely to offer any refuge, as falling ad revenues force broadcasters into making increasingly cheap and tawdry programs. This year’s christmas schedule is set to include:

“Nonentity Love Garage”, in which 12 complete unknowns are incarcerated in an Ilford lockup with 12 crates of Stella and “Ibiza Madness!” on permanent loop, resulting in the dead-eyed contestants circling each other in a sexually predatory manner, like sharks around a blood clot.

“Songs of Condemnation”, a crisis-of-faith program where doubting Christians question God’s need for famine/war/Jude Law through the medium of song whilst weeping uncontrollably. Hosted by Alan Titchmarsh & Richard Dawkins.

“We Can Ruin Your Life”, starring Justin Lee Fucking Collins. An undeserving member of the public is selected at random and the very fabric of their existence is comprehensively dismantled by shady government operatives for no good reason.

“When I was a kid, there were 25 million people tuning in to watch Eric & Ernie” said Ebbsfleet. “This christmas, if over a million people watch some fat pleb crying while a lifestyle expert tells them how worthless they are, it’ll be considered a ratings smash. They’re not even showing The Great Escape, you know?”

When asked how the public can alleviate the predicted awfulness of this year’s Christmas, Ebbsfleet suggested “Getting absolutely Gascoigned as soon as you wake up. Seriously, go to sleep christmas eve with a case of Bells by your bedside. With any luck you’ll be out of it until it’s time to go back to work the following Tuesday.”

Nazi Hurricane Gustav Threatens New Orleans

“For You, Dixieland, Ze Mardi Gras Is Over” Warns Teutonic Weather Front

Millions have fled New Orleans after warnings that a 115mph National Socialist storm is set to flatten houses, bring widescale floods and usher in a glorious thousand-year Reich. Hopes that the storm would leave the city unmolested were dashed last night by BBC weather man Rob Mcelwee in a prepared statement:

“I am speaking to you from the roof of BBC television centre.
This morning Michael Fish handed Hurricane Gustav a final note stating that unless he veered off into the Atlantic by 11.00 pm, a state of war would exist between us.
I have to tell you that no such undertaking has been received, and that consequently New Orleans is absolutely monster-fucked.”

Speaking from his home just off the Cuban coast, Hurricane Gustav warned the residents of the Gulf shore that he would be merciless and all-conquering in his northerly blitzkrieg across America.

Smoking from a cigarette holder, his eye gleaming manically through his monocle, Hurricane Gustav told reporters “Ve haff ways of having you evacuated into a football, stadium, ya? For too long, ze decadent Americans haff allowed mongrel jazz music undt women flashing ze big boobies when they haff ein string of beads. No longer, mein friend. Tomorrow sees ze glorious rise of der Uber Cyclone. Ein Volk! Ein Reich! Ein Band Of Low Pressure!”

Despite Hurricane Gustav not having yet hit land, work has already started on a Hollywood blockbuster about his swathe of tropical, goose-stepping destruction. Chip Ebbsfleet, a Hollywood reporter, stated “This is the hot ticket film of the year. Michael Bay apparently crapped in his jacuzzi when he heard about it and has already done a script treatment and initial casting.”

The film, due to be released in time for Christmas 2008, will star Matt Damon as a maverick, alcoholic weatherman who tries to warn the government about the fascist storm system while fighting custody for his daughter (Dakota Fanning) with his estranged wife (Cate Blanchett).

Hurricane Gustav (Ralph Fiennes) is enraged when he hears of Damon’s interference and kidnaps his daughter, provoking a grandstand battle between the puffy-faced meteorologist and the 500-mile-wide weather phenomenon. The final confrontation is set to cost $412M in CGI effects alone. One New Orleans resident has said “As soon as I dig my two-room shack out of eleven feet of tidal mud, I’ll definitely go and see it.”

Hyde Park Bukkake Protest “A Success” Say Organisers

World Leaders Must Listen To Our Grunts, Say Protestors

An open-air bukkake party held in London’s Hyde Park to highlight global warming was “An unqualified, gooey triumph” according to Reed Ebbsfleet, head of the political pressure group “A Face Full Of Love”.

Over 200 engorged protestors gathered near the Diana Memorial Fountain to protest against “People burning coal and stuff” by jettisoning ounces of reproductive juice onto AFFOL spokeswoman target Candi.

Candi, an actress/model/human spittoon from Knutsford voiced her delight in being able to help out such a worthy cause. “I like trees and polar bears and that, so looking like a cake iced by a lunatic with Parkinsons is a small price to pay” said Candi as she washed the stringy mess from her hair.

Police were on standby but no arrests were reported and a Met spokesmen said “They were a good-natured, peaceful crowd who just wanted to empty their nutsacks in protest. Better than those Pro-Hunt lot. Bunch of stuck-up turds.”

Ebssfleet founded AFFOL in 2003. On the organisation’s website he cites a trip to Japan as being the inspiration behind AFFOL’s work. “I’d gone over to Tokyo to get some magazines you can’t buy in England and a friend pointed out to me that my trip for wank fodder had caused a carbon footprint equivalent to 60,000 trips to the corner shop to buy a copy of Razzle. It was then I realised that I had to combine my love of protein showers and environmental issues.”

A video of the protest was sent to the Secretary of State for Environment, Food & Rural Affairs, Hillary Benn. A government insider stated that Benn was visibly moved by footage of the protest, saying “What’s…hang on, what are they?....Aww, Jesus I’m gonna spew…Turnitoffturnitoff!”

A Face Full Of Love is hoping to mount further protest rallies across the globe, with rumours of celebrity endorsements from Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Kate Moss amongst others. “We had Jade Goody calling to offer her services” said Ebbsfleet “But we had to say no. I’d do anything to save this planet, but there are limits. She looks like a fist full of jelly, for fuck’s sake.”

"It's Fucking Pissing Down" Says MET

British Reservoirs “Now Too Full”

Following days of torrential rain, the Central Water Board have advised that the nation’s reservoirs are now dangerously topped-up and are urging the public to take measures to alleviate the situation.

“You know what it’s like.” said Kelvin Ebbsfleet, head of Precipitation Studies at Knutsford University “You wait for ages for a deluge of almost biblical proportions, then loads come at once. It’s like buses, only buses made of water.”

Dam engineers have so far managed to keep the situation under control by flooding valleys populated only by dreadful, impoverished northern people. But as the rain continues to fall, they have admitted the problem has reached crisis point.

A spokesman for the CWB said “We’ve done all we can. The big valves are turned all the way clockwise – clockwise, is that right? Yes, clockwise – so there’s little more for us to do.”

To avert scenes like in The Day After Tomorrow, Deep Impact and that one with Christian Slater in it, the CWB have released a ten-point plan that every man, woman, child and transgender individual in the country will have to abide by, under pain of house arrest for an indeterminate period :

1. Turn on your taps in the kitchen sink, then go for a walk.
2. Wash your car twice a day. If you don’t own a car, ask your neighbour if you can wash theirs.
3. Double flush your toilet every time, even if it’s a precautionary number one before you leave the house.
4. Water your lawn every twenty minutes, until it looks like the last day of Glastonbury.
5. Boil all food, even chips.
6. Have a bath every time you sneeze, cough or pass wind. If any of these occur while in the bath, get out, empty the bath and start again.
7. Buy a great big fish tank.
8. The repair of any dripping taps will be punishable by five years imprisonment.
9. Wash clothes one item at a time.
10. Tie a note saying “Pack it in”, wrap it around a firework and shoot it into the sky to appease the rain god Watanabe.


When asked whether the above actions suggested the CWB were colluding with water companies to increase profits, their spokesman merely replied “No comment” before speeding away in his brand new Porsche Carrera.