Tuesday, 6 January 2009

Giant Ice Crab Blamed For UK Freeze

“Millions May Have To Rub Their Hands Together” Experts Warn

The whole nation was stunned this morning as it awoke to find that it was a bit chilly outside. Emergency services were flooded with calls from people asking why their feet were really cold, transport was thrown into disarray as large sections of a slippery substance known as ‘ice’ appeared on roads & railway lines and NHS advisors have issued a warning to the public that they might want to put on a jumper or something.

Weather person Edward Ebbsfleet stated “Temperatures that dip below zero have taken us completely by surprise. The UK is usually a balmy, tropical island and we’re more used to giving advice on how to cope with heatstroke. We’re at a loss as to how this has happened.” The scientific community has put forward several competing theories to explain why Britain’s millions of commuters can no longer travel to work wearing flip flops in comfort.

Some have posited the notion that the Earth’s rotation around the sun is an ellipse, causing it to be further away from its warming rays for several months and has caused the phenomenon, dubbed ‘winter’, in the UK for millions of years. But the more widely-held belief is that the country is currently in the grip of a colossal intergalactic ice crab named “Humungo” who was angered after the UK failed to vote Eoghan Quigg the winner of last year’s “X Factor”.

“Humungo is not a fan of Alexendra Burke and feels that Quigg would have broader appeal amongst pre-teen pop fans” says Ebbsfleet. “He is a mighty crustacean, with a short temper, and his claws of snowy doom encircle our nation. It’s surely no coincidence that the onset of these lower temperatures occurred after the X Factor final. If the public can ensure Quigg’s debut single gets to number one, we can only hope that Humungo will be appeased and take his wrath elsewhere.”

Until this happens, Ebbsfleet has offered several tips to stay warm. “Closing all exterior doors and windows seem to be effective and if you have radiators in your house, making them go all warm might help. We’ve had unconfirmed reports that a nice hot cup of tea can also reverse the effects.”

But while Humungo’s pincers of freeze continue to hold the country in their chilly embrace, it is feared that many more will succumb to the crisis already being dubbed as “Like Autumn only a lot more parky.”

1 comment:

Insults said...

That crab looks almost fuckable.