Tuesday, 20 January 2009

US Awaits Business As Usual

Countdown To Inauguration Of Another Politician

America awoke this morning to the prospect of seeing a politician getting the top job in American politics because more people thought he’d be good at it than anyone else. A chilly Washington DC will see Barack Obama become the 44th man start work at a job he applied for nearly two years ago.

“This is an historic day for America” commented one political commentator, politically. “We have only ever seen a powerful, influential man spend huge amounts of money in order to become even more powerful and influential forty three times before. I think everyone in the country will remember where they were when they watched somebody they’ve never met get a job promotion.”

Barack Obama has come a long way from his humble beginnings studying law at the frighteningly expensive and exclusive Harvard Law School. After years of courting the favour of his staggeringly wealthy friends and colleagues, he has risen to the very top of American society. An amazing feat for somebody who had to start from somewhere near the upper third of American society.

Liberals in America eagerly await the inauguration of Obama, with many feeling that a religiously conservative president that opposes gay marriage will mark a huge shift away from presidency of George Bush, who was a man who opposed gay marriage and was religiously conservative.

The new president’s acceptance speech is much anticipated as several presidential terms have been marred by poor oratory. Martin Van Buren, America’s thirteenth president, famously angered the electorate by simply saying “Cheers for this. I’d better get cracking, really. Too fucking cold to be gabbing out here.”

Obama will be hoping for something more in line with JFK, whose “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country…” speech is regarded as a landmark in liberal reform. An early Obama speech draft, which saw him trying to echo Kennedy by saying “Don’t expect us to help you out. You’re on your fucking own.” was rejected for being “A bit of a downer and way too honest.”

The Inaugaration Day timetable will be as follows:

7AM: Removal vans will take the last of former president Bush’s shotguns and Tonka toys from the White House

9AM: The Mall will fill with tens of thousands of visitors keen to wave a flag at some stranger half a mile away.

12 Noon: Barack Obama will face the near-hypothermic crowd, take the oath of office and make his first set of vague, unattainably empty promises as president.

1PM- 11PM: President Obama will attend a series of dinners, functions and dances with well-wishers, party members and shady plutocrats.

Midnight: President Obama will be briefed on the state of the nation’s finances, and standing in the various middle east wars America is involved in. He is expected to continue weeping until late on Wednesday evening.


Insults said...

It is a big day!

Tony Cowards said...

I think it'd have been great if for his inauguration speech Obama had said

"You know what, I've looked at the books and this country is fucked! We're trillions of dollars in debt, unemployment is rising at it's fastest rate in decades, global warming have reached potentially irreversible levels and we're entrenched in two massively unpopular and unwinnable wars, fuck this for a game of soldiers...Senator McCain, the jobs yours if you still want it. I'm off to get a massively well paid consultancy in a law firm, so long suckers"