Thursday, 8 January 2009

Windows 7 To Be “More Infuriating Than Ever”

Microsoft Promises 85% Increase In Blood Pressure

During his speech at the CES, Microsoft boss Steve Ballmer announced that members of the public will be able to scream at Beta versions of Windows 7 from January 9th when it will be available to download from a fiddly and often-unavailable site.

Ballmer stated “In today’s difficult economic climate, we feel that what the computing public really needs is a hideously expensive operating system riddled with bugs that can only be properly used on the sort of computers that are usually busy challenging the Grand Masters of chess.”

Key features of Windows 7 looks set to include:
An updated media player that doesn’t play any file known in this or alternate universes, takes half an hour to start and makes any film the user is lucky enough to get to work look like it’s being viewed through a thick pair of women’s tights.

A new version of the infamous Word Paperclip. In Windows 7, an animated Rottweiler will constantly take a steaming shit on, or try to chew up, any document you’re trying to work on. Ballmer has promised that complex algorithms have ensured this feature cannot be switched off. Sound recognition programs in Windows 7 will guarantee that weeping entreaties from the user will start the Rottweiller chuckling like Muttley from Wacky Races.

Anti-piracy measures will mean that any illegally-copied versions of Windows 7 will cause a pistol to appear from the user’s keyboard and unload eight rounds of copper-jacketed death into their faces. Windows 7 will then set fire to the user’s house and leave their decapitated head on a pike outside the burnt shell of the building as a warning to others.

A whole new range of fascinating and utterly incomprehensible error messages await the users of Windows 7. These will include “Error 90210 – parameters smell like mice”, “Fatal Incident 42: Get out of the house, this thing’s going to blow.” and “You press the Ctrl key. A silver dragon appears and burns you alive. Please turn back to page 72.”

Ballmer also promised that all drivers installed into Windows 7 will have the half-life of Polonium 214, the operating system will have all the compatibility of a Palestinian/Jewish mixed-race marriage and will have a product activation code longer than Pi. “Oh, and all the buttons will be in completely different places on all the programs too.” he added.

Anonymous sources claim that after his speech, Ballmer stated “To be honest, 99% of people just want a computer that they can use without having to have an engineering degree. Because we promise to deliver that, we can make the damned thing as temperamental as we want. In fact we’ve added a feature that pops up a massive photo of my saggy nut sack if the user tries to uninstall Windows 7. Why? Because we can.”

No comments: