Friday, 16 January 2009

Israel Runs Out Of Things To Bomb

Ceasefire Imminent As Army Picks Off Final Targets

Israel’s war with Hamas looks set to end today as it was confirmed that Israel had “Maybe two dozen targets left, give or take an orphanage or two.” Israeli military spokesman Ehud Ebbsfleet stated “Armed hostilities will taper off by the end of today as we finish off the last few missile-worthy targets. There’s a greengrocers near the Tel al Hawa area we’ve had our eye on and I know a lot of the lads have really been looking forward to flattening a massive big shed in downtown Gaza that’s somehow still upright. Once those sites have been reduced to a smoking heap of twisted rubble we’ll probably call it a day.”

The UN were in talks with Israel, looking for alternative solutions to end the war. One proposal was for the UN to build fake settlements out in the desert, complete with lifelike dummies of screaming women and children. There would then be an agreement to allow Israeli forces to unleash metallic fiery hell at the model encampment to their heart’s content. “They do love a good shelling, those Israeli fellers” said one UN delegate. “We thought if we gave them something else to blow up, they might lay off Palestine for a bit. Between you and I, it does really beg the question what exactly their problem is, doesn’t it?”

However, as indications became clear that nothing in Gaza taller than a middle-aged man has been left standing, the UN proposal now seems redundant. Many predict that tomorrow will see Israel deploy their unmanned, laser-guided flying spirit levels to assess the Gaza area for signs of unevenness. Assuming everyone in the area lays down as they pass, the shelling could cease for the time being.

But many international commentators question whether this will lead to long-term peace in the region. Clancy Fox, Professor of Middle Eastern Interminable Strife Studies for Knutsford University, stated “The political situation in this area is a long, entrenched and bloody story. Internecine struggles, religious differences and socio-political differences are so complex that, when it comes to this bit of the degree course, I tell the students to try and work it out for themselves. Because quite frankly, I haven’t got a fucking Scooby what they’re fighting about, who the good guys are or when it will end. Be honest, do you?”

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