Monday, 19 January 2009

Tesco To Launch “No Frills” Cigarettes

“All The Sputum, Half The Cost” Promise Retailer

Relentless retailing juggernaut Tesco have caused a storm of controversy with today’s launch of their ‘No Frills’ range of cigarettes. Fiscally-challenged smokers will now be able to buy packets of twenty cigarettes for just two pounds. This is considerably less than the next-nearest priced brand, predictably named ‘Plutocrat’ in line with the inverse rule that the grottier a brand of cigarettes are, the more plush they sound.

“Tesco have always been at the forefront when it comes to offering consumers quality products at bargain prices, and we feel that the expectorating masses should not be any different. Our No-Frills fags will leave shoppers with more money in their pocket as they wheeze their way to the bookies” said Tesco person Damian Ebbsfleet.

The packet will primarily be in the standard blue and white livery of Tesco’s No Frills range. However, in order to comply with government regulations while keeping down costs, the medical council warnings will be written by an unemployed GP recently barred from practising medicine. The warnings will include messages such as “Tabs is bad for you, dickhead” and “Wait until your missus has that sprog before letting her smoke these.”

In another cost cutting exercise, the photographic warnings now mandatory on cigarette packets will be replaced by children’s drawings of tracheotomies and diseased lungs and will be scrawled in crayon. In conjunction with their “Vouchers For Schools” scheme, Tesco will launch an art competition for their No Frills cigarettes. Whichever child produces the best drawing of a deformed foetus will see their artwork used on packets, as well as winning a computer and some pens for their school.

Anti-smoking group ASH have condemned Tesco, with one spokesperson stating “This completely undermines all the work we’ve been doing at ASH. For years we’ve been telling smokers how much money they could save for a holiday if they quit, as if they weren’t already painfully aware of that fact. Now Tesco come along with a pack of fags so ludicrously cheap I’m seriously considering starting up again myself. God, I’ve missed smoking, you know. Go on, can I just have one drag on yours?”

Consumer reaction to the No Frills cigarettes has been positive, however. Dane Knutsford, a lifelong smoker who queued outside Tesco for twelve hours to be the first in line for the new brand stated “These fags are superb for the budget smoker like me. Granted, they do taste like a crematorium roof but they’ll really help me stretch my nash that little bit further. The money I’m saving should keep my floating in White Lightning until dole day rocks around again.”

1 comment:

Insults said...

I buy small green Rizla and smoke dry bum fodder.