Wednesday, 7 January 2009

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

“Totally Worth It” Says Rabies Victim’s Mother
The mother of Lisa McMurray, who died from rabies after working in a South African animal sanctuary, has told reporters that “If just one scrawny Jack Russell gets a couple more months living in an unventilated cage on some disregarded veldt, then my young daughter’s terrifying death will have been absolutely worth it.”

Ms McMurray reported feeling unwell after having worked for several months amongst savage, spittle-flecked animals in South Africa but is thought to have put the symptoms down to “A wheat allergy or something”. However, when Ms McMurray started snapping at passers-by her family advised her to seek medical attention.

“She was a lovely girl” said one neighbour “And she died doing what she loved best – maintaining the unwanted existence of a bunch of pack animals on the other side of the globe despite nobody actually having asked her to do so. I think that dying in teeth-grinding agony is what she would have wanted.”

Meanwhile Catherine Ebbsfleet, a worker for AIDS Africa, shouting a statement from a makeshift hospital ward outside Johannesburg over the wails of her HIV-ravaged victims, said “Yeah, thanks a bunch for that Lisa. No, don’t worry, I’ll handle this lot by myself.”

Londoners Saved From Dreadfulness
Thousands of Londoners have been spared from experiencing the absolute awfulness of the Midlands after London Midlands rail services were suspended following problems with power lines. Messages of thanks have poured in to the rail company, with one tear-stained letter stating “I was due to go to a conference on sewage treatment in Wolverhampton today. But thanks to your sterling efforts, rather than being surrounded by millions of tons of damp concrete and chatting to people who sound like stroke victims I’m tucked up on the couch watching the West Wing box set I got for Christmas. Win.”

The good news is not set to last, however, with rails services set to resume later this afternoon. A London Midlands person announced “While we understand commuter’s unwillingness to travel to the British equivalent of Mordor, we cannot delay services any longer. Our main duty is to make money quicker than a hooker with twelve cunts so the trains must start running again.”

Usurious Shitefists Forced to Downscale
UK loan firm Cattles, who specialise in offering flat screen TV vouchers to housing estate proles, has had to reduce its workforce by 20% due to the credit crunch. The company, famous for its slogan “Don’t You Worry What ‘65% APR’ Means” announced the job cuts during a press conference held in its head office located under a railway arch in Hull.

Barry Knutsford, chief enforcer for the firm, stated “Given the current economic climate, we cannot continue to employ the same number of ex-boxers to go around intimidating single parent families. We’re confident many of them will find work throwing drunkards down sets of stairs in low-rent nightclubs or holding up petrol stations”.

If Cattles’ fortunes continue to worsen, the board is expected to apply for a government bail-out package. “They helped those other mobs, Northern Rock and them, didn’t they?” asked Knutsford. “So we’ll have a little word with the chancellor and remind him we know where his daughter lives if you know what I mean.”

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