“Mugabe, Schmugabe” Says Tsvangirai

“What’s The Big Deal?” Asks Prime Minister About Mass Murderer

As Morgan Tsvangirai was sworn in as Zimbabwe’s new prime minister in a power-sharing government, he told press “You guys need to chill the fuck out about Bobby, okay? Look we’ve all made mistakes, said stuff we shouldn’t have, executed one political dissident too many. Life’s too short to hold grudges though, eh?”

In his first day in office, Tsvingarai stated that he faced “Immediate challenges that require immediate remedies. Our currency is worth less then the air expelled saying the word “Hyperinflation” and our government is riddled with crooks that The Big M knows nothing about, seriously. And the air conditioning in my office sounds like two robots buttfucking.”

The new prime minister warned the international community that “People need to get over Mugabe as a person. To you, he may seem like a gibbering lunatic with wacky views on homosexuality, democracy and not flinging opposition ministers into gorges. But having got to know him, I can say he’s a real sweet guy that makes a bitching mojito. And you should hear him on karaoke singing “Total Eclipse Of The Heart”. Helluva set of pipes.”

When asked why three secret service officers were holding pistols to his temple while a fourth held a set of notes under his face, Tsvangirai stated “These guys? Pay them no mind. Bobby M hired them to look after me. He said that if anyone tried to assassinate me, they’d be up real close. So these guys are keeping their guns next to my face so scare them away. Honestly. Could we change the subject, please?” He went on to dismiss claims that he was being forced to read a prepared statement by Mugabe, claiming the papers were being thrust under his nose because “I forgot to order a lectern. My bad.”

Mugabe praised Tsvingarai’s appointment, stating “This is a new day for the people of Zimbabwe. An era of trust and cooperation is upon us. I know I share my colleague’s fullest confidence as well as the support of his family, who are being housed in my maximum security enclave for their own protection.” He also refuted reports that news footage showed Tsvingarai mouthing the words “Please. Help. Me.” during his inauguration.

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

“Totally Worth It” Says Rabies Victim’s Mother
The mother of Lisa McMurray, who died from rabies after working in a South African animal sanctuary, has told reporters that “If just one scrawny Jack Russell gets a couple more months living in an unventilated cage on some disregarded veldt, then my young daughter’s terrifying death will have been absolutely worth it.”

Ms McMurray reported feeling unwell after having worked for several months amongst savage, spittle-flecked animals in South Africa but is thought to have put the symptoms down to “A wheat allergy or something”. However, when Ms McMurray started snapping at passers-by her family advised her to seek medical attention.

“She was a lovely girl” said one neighbour “And she died doing what she loved best – maintaining the unwanted existence of a bunch of pack animals on the other side of the globe despite nobody actually having asked her to do so. I think that dying in teeth-grinding agony is what she would have wanted.”

Meanwhile Catherine Ebbsfleet, a worker for AIDS Africa, shouting a statement from a makeshift hospital ward outside Johannesburg over the wails of her HIV-ravaged victims, said “Yeah, thanks a bunch for that Lisa. No, don’t worry, I’ll handle this lot by myself.”

Londoners Saved From Dreadfulness
Thousands of Londoners have been spared from experiencing the absolute awfulness of the Midlands after London Midlands rail services were suspended following problems with power lines. Messages of thanks have poured in to the rail company, with one tear-stained letter stating “I was due to go to a conference on sewage treatment in Wolverhampton today. But thanks to your sterling efforts, rather than being surrounded by millions of tons of damp concrete and chatting to people who sound like stroke victims I’m tucked up on the couch watching the West Wing box set I got for Christmas. Win.”

The good news is not set to last, however, with rails services set to resume later this afternoon. A London Midlands person announced “While we understand commuter’s unwillingness to travel to the British equivalent of Mordor, we cannot delay services any longer. Our main duty is to make money quicker than a hooker with twelve cunts so the trains must start running again.”

Usurious Shitefists Forced to Downscale
UK loan firm Cattles, who specialise in offering flat screen TV vouchers to housing estate proles, has had to reduce its workforce by 20% due to the credit crunch. The company, famous for its slogan “Don’t You Worry What ‘65% APR’ Means” announced the job cuts during a press conference held in its head office located under a railway arch in Hull.

Barry Knutsford, chief enforcer for the firm, stated “Given the current economic climate, we cannot continue to employ the same number of ex-boxers to go around intimidating single parent families. We’re confident many of them will find work throwing drunkards down sets of stairs in low-rent nightclubs or holding up petrol stations”.

If Cattles’ fortunes continue to worsen, the board is expected to apply for a government bail-out package. “They helped those other mobs, Northern Rock and them, didn’t they?” asked Knutsford. “So we’ll have a little word with the chancellor and remind him we know where his daughter lives if you know what I mean.”

Mugabe Blames Zimbabwe Deaths On Flu

“There’s A Bug Going Round, I Think” Says Murderous Lunatic

Following nearly 800 reported deaths due to a cholera epidemic in Zimbabwe, President Robert Mugabe has told reporters “There is no such thing as cholera, as any sane person will tell you. All those dead people had that nasty flu bug that has been going around. Half of my office has called in sick with it, you know.”

Mugabe stated that cholera was invented in the 1930s by Walt Disney as a way of explaining the high turnover of staff amongst his animators. The President claims that the Disney creator had an irrational fear of sideburns and would beat hirsute employees over the head with a shovel, bury them in his yard and claim they had fallen victim to the ‘fictitious’ disease. “It’s true” he asserted. “Anyone who could dream up the pink elephants bit in ‘Dumbo’ could easily come up with a fictional disease, too. He was one crazy bastard, let me tell you.”

Mugabe, seemingly taking prompts for his speech from a stuffed Buzz Lightyear doll sat on a high chair next to him, continued “This so-called cholera epidemic is an invention of the west. They want to come over here, invade our beautiful country and appropriate my collection of Pogs for their own ends.” Mugabe added “You have Mad Cow disease in Britain. So do you say Britain should be invaded?” A clearly uncomfortable Gordon Brown responded to Mugabe’s comments by saying “That mad wee yankee fuck only has a couple o’ months in office. Dinnae be giving him no ideas, y’scunner”.

Mugabe’s claims are just the latest in series of unhinged utterances. The recent discovery of 42 bullet-ridden corpses in a mass grave just outside of Bulawayo was dismissed by Mugabe as “A misunderstanding. They were 42 very lazy workers who local farmers tried to wake up by firing guns near them. Sadly, all 42 got in the way of the bullets and fell into a ditch. The impact caused a nearby pile of earth to fall on top of them, causing them to be buried. Perfectly simple explanation. Now, which one of you has been licking all my spoons again? Heads will roll, my friends!!!”

World Health Organisation person Iain Ebbsfleet stated that Mugabe’s stance on the cholera epidemic was “Dangerous, irresponsible and mad as a bear with an itchy fucking arse. Have you ever watched him on the telly? He can’t even blink both eyes at the same time. Jesus.” When asked what the WHO intended to do regarding the crisis, he replied “1/8th of fuck all, pal. Wander into a lawless country ruled by a heavily-armed psychopath with only a bag full of inoculations for protection? He may be off his sodding chump, but I’m not. No, I’m waiting for a typhoid outbreak in the Maldives. Now there’s a health crisis I can get behind.”