“Mugabe, Schmugabe” Says Tsvangirai

“What’s The Big Deal?” Asks Prime Minister About Mass Murderer

As Morgan Tsvangirai was sworn in as Zimbabwe’s new prime minister in a power-sharing government, he told press “You guys need to chill the fuck out about Bobby, okay? Look we’ve all made mistakes, said stuff we shouldn’t have, executed one political dissident too many. Life’s too short to hold grudges though, eh?”

In his first day in office, Tsvingarai stated that he faced “Immediate challenges that require immediate remedies. Our currency is worth less then the air expelled saying the word “Hyperinflation” and our government is riddled with crooks that The Big M knows nothing about, seriously. And the air conditioning in my office sounds like two robots buttfucking.”

The new prime minister warned the international community that “People need to get over Mugabe as a person. To you, he may seem like a gibbering lunatic with wacky views on homosexuality, democracy and not flinging opposition ministers into gorges. But having got to know him, I can say he’s a real sweet guy that makes a bitching mojito. And you should hear him on karaoke singing “Total Eclipse Of The Heart”. Helluva set of pipes.”

When asked why three secret service officers were holding pistols to his temple while a fourth held a set of notes under his face, Tsvangirai stated “These guys? Pay them no mind. Bobby M hired them to look after me. He said that if anyone tried to assassinate me, they’d be up real close. So these guys are keeping their guns next to my face so scare them away. Honestly. Could we change the subject, please?” He went on to dismiss claims that he was being forced to read a prepared statement by Mugabe, claiming the papers were being thrust under his nose because “I forgot to order a lectern. My bad.”

Mugabe praised Tsvingarai’s appointment, stating “This is a new day for the people of Zimbabwe. An era of trust and cooperation is upon us. I know I share my colleague’s fullest confidence as well as the support of his family, who are being housed in my maximum security enclave for their own protection.” He also refuted reports that news footage showed Tsvingarai mouthing the words “Please. Help. Me.” during his inauguration.

Mugabe Blames Zimbabwe Deaths On Flu

“There’s A Bug Going Round, I Think” Says Murderous Lunatic

Following nearly 800 reported deaths due to a cholera epidemic in Zimbabwe, President Robert Mugabe has told reporters “There is no such thing as cholera, as any sane person will tell you. All those dead people had that nasty flu bug that has been going around. Half of my office has called in sick with it, you know.”

Mugabe stated that cholera was invented in the 1930s by Walt Disney as a way of explaining the high turnover of staff amongst his animators. The President claims that the Disney creator had an irrational fear of sideburns and would beat hirsute employees over the head with a shovel, bury them in his yard and claim they had fallen victim to the ‘fictitious’ disease. “It’s true” he asserted. “Anyone who could dream up the pink elephants bit in ‘Dumbo’ could easily come up with a fictional disease, too. He was one crazy bastard, let me tell you.”

Mugabe, seemingly taking prompts for his speech from a stuffed Buzz Lightyear doll sat on a high chair next to him, continued “This so-called cholera epidemic is an invention of the west. They want to come over here, invade our beautiful country and appropriate my collection of Pogs for their own ends.” Mugabe added “You have Mad Cow disease in Britain. So do you say Britain should be invaded?” A clearly uncomfortable Gordon Brown responded to Mugabe’s comments by saying “That mad wee yankee fuck only has a couple o’ months in office. Dinnae be giving him no ideas, y’scunner”.

Mugabe’s claims are just the latest in series of unhinged utterances. The recent discovery of 42 bullet-ridden corpses in a mass grave just outside of Bulawayo was dismissed by Mugabe as “A misunderstanding. They were 42 very lazy workers who local farmers tried to wake up by firing guns near them. Sadly, all 42 got in the way of the bullets and fell into a ditch. The impact caused a nearby pile of earth to fall on top of them, causing them to be buried. Perfectly simple explanation. Now, which one of you has been licking all my spoons again? Heads will roll, my friends!!!”

World Health Organisation person Iain Ebbsfleet stated that Mugabe’s stance on the cholera epidemic was “Dangerous, irresponsible and mad as a bear with an itchy fucking arse. Have you ever watched him on the telly? He can’t even blink both eyes at the same time. Jesus.” When asked what the WHO intended to do regarding the crisis, he replied “1/8th of fuck all, pal. Wander into a lawless country ruled by a heavily-armed psychopath with only a bag full of inoculations for protection? He may be off his sodding chump, but I’m not. No, I’m waiting for a typhoid outbreak in the Maldives. Now there’s a health crisis I can get behind.”