News & Horoscopes

Internet Blamed For Grattan Redundancies

Home-shopping firm Grattan has shed over 1,000 jobs today amid claims that their catalogue cannot compete with the vast cornucopia of online grot for the attentions of onanistic teenagers. “Thirty years ago, a slightly antiseptic-looking photo of a model wearing a sturdy bra and belly-warming knickers would be enough to send your average teenage thrashing about the room in a blur of self-abuse. Nowadays, by the age of fourteen, most teenagers have access to the kind of depravity that would turn Aleister Crowley into a Mormon.”

The firm are hoping to turn their fortunes around by hiring German porn publishers ‘Das Fuck’ to co-ordinate their summer catalogue. “They have some really interesting ideas on how to make our catalogue more appealing to the jaded sexual appetites of today’s teenager.” said Grattan person David Ebbsfleet. “The underwear is now modelled by being stuffed into the mouths of trussed-up porn actors, for instance. And our jewellery is enticingly being sported through the skin of their genitalia. Our legal team have taken a good, long look at the children’s clothing section but I think we’ll be fine.”




THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPES:

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The winds of change you feel blowing through the workplace is caused by the door they're about to kick you out of. Start stealing stuff.



Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
It's been a tumultuous year for you, relationship-wise. This period is about to come to an end as a 50-year period of celibacy begins.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
A tall, dark, handsome man is about to enter your life and start repossessing all your furniture.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Tensions at home see you choosing to sleep on a park bench to avoid the crushing pointlessness of it all. A good time to start hoarding newspapers.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Pluto, the most useless of all the planets, enters your celestial house this week and starts trying to borrow a tenner until pay day.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Fun-loving Geminis can expect to make a whole new circle of friends as they sit in the waiting room of their local STD clinic.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your no-nonsense, speak-as-you-find attitude is often correctly interpreted by friends as sheer fucking rudeness. Just what is your problem?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Chance encounters are the order of the week for Leo. With that man who's been hovering outside your house for the last few days.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The stars come into a rare alignment, with opportunities galore on the horizon. It's a shame that ham-fisted morons like Virgos will utterly fail to notice them.


Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Beautiful, kind, successful and charming, it's little wonder that everyone will be totally sick of the sight of you this week.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
That heap of junk mail on your doorstep will finally reach the letterbox, alerting the authorities to your un-mourned death eight months ago.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
After a difficult time, things are finally back on track for you. It's probably best not to wonder what that new lump is, really.