Herbal Menopause Treatment Defended By Deluded Con Artists
The Drugs And Therapeutics Bulletin (DTB) have today announced that herbal treatments for the symptoms of menopause are “About as effective as burying a chicken kiev in your back garden during a full moon.” Studies into the usefulness of treatments such as Red Clover, Dong Quai and Old Wichitty’s Wholesome Tincture have shown that women suffering from the menopause “Might as well use the money spent on herbal remedies buying a bottle of Chardonnay and a dildo”.
A survey of 1,000 menopausal women conducted by a team of frankly terrified researchers showed that 40% of subjects had tried complementary not-really-medicines without informing their GP. A spokesman for the GMC stated “Personally, I’d much rather we installed an HRT-patch vending machine in the waiting room and have done with it. But it really does help us do our job properly if patients can refrain from medicating themselves with the contents of some fraudulent quack’s pot pourri bowl.”
Jenny Jones of The Herb Society has defended the efficacy of overpriced twigs, claiming “A lack of evidence does not necessarily mean a lack of effect. For instance, there is virtually no evidence that the foul-tasting tinctures I knock up in my Poggen Pohl kitchen will stop menopausal women from feeling like a cocaine addict going through grief counselling. But the effect of selling these preparations at £30 a pop – the loveliness of my aforementioned Poggen Pohl kitchen – cannot be denied.”
The DTB were quick to refute Jones’ claim that lack of evidence was reason enough to stop trying to swindle distressed middle-aged women. One DTB person explained “There is no evidence, for example, to suggest that me going round to Jones’ house and beating her around the neck with a medical text book will force her to stop making illogical and dangerous statements. So as much as I’d really love to, I won’t.”
Jones has insisted that “These remedies do work for some women” but the DTB insisted that “If I gave enough cancer patients a rubdown with a copy of “Blakes 7” on DVD, a few of them might get better. It doesn’t alter the fact that using it as a treatment is complete cock.”
When asked whether the DTB intended to highlight the utter guff that passes for herbal medicine to Britain’s menopausal women, they replied “Do we want to tell a bunch of mean-tempered women with very little to lose that they’ve been taken for chumps? Do you have any other stupid fucking questions while you’re at it? Jesus.”
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