Thursday, 22 January 2009

Fatties To Binge On Slimming Medicine


Decision To Produce Pie-Flavoured Pills Questioned




As GlaxoSmithKline prepare to launch their non-prescription slimming pill Orlistat, many have criticised the decision to release the pill in a variety of flavours. Available from next month, Orlistat will come in “Smoky Bacon”, “Marshmallow” and “Pie” flavours. GlaxoSmithKline stated that “Extensive research has shown that our potential customers would prefer the treatment to come in a variety of mouth-watering flavours. Our decision to produce a form of the drug in a chocolate fudge milkshake reflects this.”

But Dr David Haslam of the National Obesity Forum has warned this could lead to accidental overdoses. “I have worked with thousands of patients battling with the terrible affliction of obesity during my time with the forum. And I can categorically state that if you make the pills tasty then these bunch of plumpers will be popping them down like they’re M&Ms.” Potential side-effects listed in Orlistat packaging include “Dizziness, shortness of breath and shitting like a torture victim drinking molten lead smoothies”

Research into the effectiveness of Orlistat has taken over ten years. The program hit a number of difficulties, with one research lab having to move offices after a KFC opened next door. “We’d be trying to see if the drug effectively absorbed fat from consumed food and they’d be shovelling buckets of greasy wings down their gullets at twice the normal rate, so we were back where we started” said one scientist. Another test group proved especially difficult, with researchers having to entice subjects into the lab with slices of Battenberg on fishing rods.

Screeching not-really-a-doctor ‘Dr’ Gillian McKeith has criticised the Medical Council’s decision to allow sales of the drug, stating “At the end of the day, there’s no substitute for exercise and eating miniscule amounts of algae on dry wheat toast. If Orlistat is a success, then overweight people will no longer need to be made to feel like subhuman scum by the likes of me in order to lose weight. And how is a joyless, pinchmouthed harpy like me meant to make money then? Not many jobs allow you to bully everyone around you and lie about your qualifications, you know.”

When Orlistat is released, pharmacists will only be allowed to sell it to customers with a body mass index of over 28. “That’s roughly the equivalent of a shed made of Plutonium” said one pharmacist. There are fears that the criminally obese may cash in on this proviso by posing as customers for those not reaching the magic 28 BMI figure. “It’s a potential wheezing, sweaty, chapped-skinned black market waiting to happen” said the same pharmacist as before.

Sandy Ebbsfleet, a 32-stone lorry drive from Knutsford, is looking forward to Orlistat’s launch, however. “Hopefully this will be the end of a very long fight with my weight” said Ebbsfleet. “I’ve tried every fad diet going but finally I’ll be able to pop a pill rather than taking responsibility for my own actions and stop stuffing quite so much lard down my gullet. Another bonus is that slimming clubs might become a thing of the past and that dreadfully unfunny sketch they do on ‘Little Britain’ will become socially obsolete.”

3 comments:

David Gerard said...

Oh, I don't know, it's a great drug to make available. "Why exercise to lose weight? You could just SHIT YOUR PANTS."

I'm currently trying to concoct something for http://notnews.today.com/ on the subject, without nicking your jokes ...

Insults said...

Is that your belly?

James Dragnou said...

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