Monday, 1 September 2008

Nazi Hurricane Gustav Threatens New Orleans

“For You, Dixieland, Ze Mardi Gras Is Over” Warns Teutonic Weather Front

Millions have fled New Orleans after warnings that a 115mph National Socialist storm is set to flatten houses, bring widescale floods and usher in a glorious thousand-year Reich. Hopes that the storm would leave the city unmolested were dashed last night by BBC weather man Rob Mcelwee in a prepared statement:

“I am speaking to you from the roof of BBC television centre.
This morning Michael Fish handed Hurricane Gustav a final note stating that unless he veered off into the Atlantic by 11.00 pm, a state of war would exist between us.
I have to tell you that no such undertaking has been received, and that consequently New Orleans is absolutely monster-fucked.”

Speaking from his home just off the Cuban coast, Hurricane Gustav warned the residents of the Gulf shore that he would be merciless and all-conquering in his northerly blitzkrieg across America.

Smoking from a cigarette holder, his eye gleaming manically through his monocle, Hurricane Gustav told reporters “Ve haff ways of having you evacuated into a football, stadium, ya? For too long, ze decadent Americans haff allowed mongrel jazz music undt women flashing ze big boobies when they haff ein string of beads. No longer, mein friend. Tomorrow sees ze glorious rise of der Uber Cyclone. Ein Volk! Ein Reich! Ein Band Of Low Pressure!”

Despite Hurricane Gustav not having yet hit land, work has already started on a Hollywood blockbuster about his swathe of tropical, goose-stepping destruction. Chip Ebbsfleet, a Hollywood reporter, stated “This is the hot ticket film of the year. Michael Bay apparently crapped in his jacuzzi when he heard about it and has already done a script treatment and initial casting.”

The film, due to be released in time for Christmas 2008, will star Matt Damon as a maverick, alcoholic weatherman who tries to warn the government about the fascist storm system while fighting custody for his daughter (Dakota Fanning) with his estranged wife (Cate Blanchett).

Hurricane Gustav (Ralph Fiennes) is enraged when he hears of Damon’s interference and kidnaps his daughter, provoking a grandstand battle between the puffy-faced meteorologist and the 500-mile-wide weather phenomenon. The final confrontation is set to cost $412M in CGI effects alone. One New Orleans resident has said “As soon as I dig my two-room shack out of eleven feet of tidal mud, I’ll definitely go and see it.”

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