Monday, 15 September 2008

Vampire Alerts Plan Launched

“We Need Protection From Denizens Of The Night” Says Blithering Moron

A pilot police scheme is being launched in Cleveland, Hampshire & Whitby allowing concerned parents to ask whether a friend, neighbour or strangely-accented occupant of a nearby castle is a soulless demon driven by a relentless thirst for blood.

Under the scheme, popularly titled “Van Helsing’s Law”, police authorities will be authorised to inform local families, innkeepers and peasant farmers whether somebody with access to their comely virgins has previous convictions for vampirism.

Calls for the scheme came from the high-profile murder of Wilhemina Murray, who was abducted and killed by serial bloodsucker Prince Vlad of Wallachia. Vlad gained the trust of the Murray family by posing as a Romanian violin teacher and the Murrays have campaigned ever since for increased information sharing by looking upset outside Parliament, conducting interviews entitled “My Pain” in hypocritically voyeuristic tabloids and saying “See? It’s happened again” every time a similar crime occurs.

The new powers begin in three days’ time when the moon shall brood gibbous in a storm-tossed sky. A typical scenario could see a concerned, potbellied innkeeper worried that his busty young daughter has stopped flirting innocently with the regulars, has become pale & withdrawn and whispers “My master calls to me” when the howling of wolves is heard. In such a situation, the innkeeper could ask the police to consult their database to see if the new master of the castle is on the Succubi Register.

But some are concerned that the new law could drive vampires further underground. “The registered undead might be currently undergoing psychiatric treatment and prescription plasma to stop them re-offending. But if their nocturnal proclivities become common knowledge, they could easily transform into a horde of bats and disappear into the night” said expert person Ebbsfleet Harker.

There are also worries that the new powers might increase vigilante attacks. “When a similar law was trialled in Budapest” said Harker “Police had to deal with a number of pitchfork-wielding mobs storming perfectly innocent castles and impaling the inhabitants. In one instance, they even killed a haematologist called Val Pyre in a case of mistaken identity.”

But the Murray family are adamant that the implementation of ‘Van Helsing’s Law’ is a step in the right direction. “It’s a start, but more is needed to protect our voluptuous milkmaids and serving girls. We want to see all vampires undergo chemical castration using garlic injections and to allow the police to use holy water against repeat offenders. Nothing can bring our little Wilhelmina back, but if our campaign continues to allow us to use our grief as a stick to beat everyone else over the head with, then that’s something.”

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Oh that was a tremendous post . I acctually clicked onto it thinking that it was maybe , just maybe a real story . Oh my stomach hurts so much from laughing . That is the best laugh i have had in years . Oh boy that has set me up for the day , dear godz it's brilliant . I am going to read the rest of your blog later for sure . Cudos to you and thanks for cheering me up !.