Monday, 22 September 2008

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

George Michael Apologises For Wham
“I Clearly Need Help” Says Club Tropicana Singer

George Michael held a hastily-arranged press conference this morning to publicly apologise for his many years of music abuse. “I’ve screwed up, over and over and over and over again” said the tearful star. “From Wham Rap, through Careless Whisper to that one about George Bush that nobody bought, I’ve taken advantage of my fan’s trust to release inspid singles onto an undeserving public.”

Many music insiders feel that patience is wearing thin for the strangely-bearded singer and that his apology might be too little too late. Chips Ebbsfleet of music website Tune A Sandwich said “I think in the 80’s people were a lot more forgiving. Sure, Michael did a hell of a lot of gaudy, poorly-written pop but everyone was doing it at the time.”

The singer is expected to check into a songwriting clinic to “Rid myself of my many demons – limp funk, 5th-form poetry and pretensions to proper soul music.” At time of press, Andrew Ridgely was unavailable for comment. “His shift doesn’t start until 3pm, mate.” explained the manager of A1 Minicabs.

Britain ‘Flooded With Worthless Pound Coins’

‘All Of Them Buy Precisely Tits-All’ Says Royal Mint

The Bank Of England has warned consumers that every pound coin in circulation in Britain is basically just a round bit of scrap metal. “The problem started several months ago when the economy screwed the pooch in spectacular style” said Mint person Tasty Knutsford. “People were confusing them with the South African 5 Rand coin. Not so much because they look the same as because they’ve become worth the same.”

Knutsford continued “The worthless pound coins are very easy to identify. If it’s got “One Pound” written on one side and a picture of the Queen looking smug because she’s still worth a fucking fortune on the other side, then you’ve got yourself one of the worthless ones. You may as well toss them into a wishing well and pray for a topless bird to appear driving an Aston Martin for all the use they are.”

British Telecom ‘Can Fuck Off’ Says Customer
‘No, Really Right Fucking Off’ Customer Adds

After failing to resolve the simplest of faults on a telephone line after two months, a BT customer has stated that “British Telecom can take all their absent engineers, gormless call centre staff, shit technology, woeful customer service skills and fling them all at a shit-covered threshing machine.” They went on to add “And you can include that gormless cunt in their adverts, too.”

After reporting a poor connection on their telephone line two bastard months ago, the BT customer, who wishes to remain nameless, has yet to have the fault rectified. “I use the phone line for broadband to update a daily satirical blog I write” the anonymous customer explained “But thanks to the phone line BT have provided me with, I’d be quicker tattooing the words onto a fucking carrier pigeon to get the job done.”

Excuses for not carrying out the repair works have ranged from “A system failure in our engineer booking department” & “A previously undiagnosed exchange fault” to “The incorrect alignment of Jupiter and Pluto” & “Running out of phone wire stuff.” Despite this, BT have called the customer an average of every three times a week to tell him the line has been fixed.

“Fixed, is it?” the complainant responded. “So whenever I pick up the phone, I meant to hear the sound of The Jesus & Mary Chain frying bacon, am I?” In an attempt to reach a resolution, the anonymous customer will suggest to BT that he’ll pay his bill when they learn to whistle The Star Spangled Banner out of their arse. The useless horde of cunts.


Leighsus Christ said...

I love the BT bit. Good work!

Spider said...

Excellent venom.

Anonymous said...

Mr Jelly, eh, I mean ... anonymous, you may already know, but Dave Gorman very recently had the same problem. There are many helpful and informed suggestions in the comments if you can wade through them:

Hope you get it sorted.