Government ‘Powerless To Stop Energy Firms Acting The Cunt’

“We’re Getting Our Wedge And That’s That” Says Eon Chief Exec

Following the government’s industry-financed package to help ease fuel costs for low-income families, Business Secretary John Hutton has admitted “Our hands are tied if energy suppliers take it upon themselves to recoup their losses in an arbitrary, unusual or unreasonable manner. Essentially, they’re going to squeeze you for cash until your cock bleeds and there’s sod all we can do about it. Sorry.”

The government’s plan to assist poor households included filling their walls with old newspapers, giving them those lightbulbs that take six hours to get bright and having somebody pop round once a day in shorts and a t-shirt saying “Blimey, I’m sweating cobs, me. You’ve not got your heating on, have you?”

The scheme, costing £910M, is to be financed by the major UK energy suppliers. After the meeting where the deal was finalised, Eon Chief Executive Paul Golby was quoted as saying “Over the past five years, Eon has shown its dedication to sustainable energy resources, streamlining service delivery and sponsoring local partnerships.”

“But our key focus is to keep whacking our prices up to the point where if you light your fag off the cooker ring, the gas used will cost more than the fag smoked. Mr Hutton has just bent me over his desk and rimmed £910M large out of me. Do you think I’m going to take it out on our customers? Do you? What do you fucking well think?”

Shortly after signing up to the fuel assistance scheme, Eon announced it would be exploring new methods in debt management, due to start next month. They are to include:

Waiting for elderly customers to return to their house on pension day, blocking their front door and saying “Looking pretty flush there, granny, aren’t we? Why don’t we both go inside, you stick the kettle on and we’ll talk about this bill of yours, sweetheart, eh?”

Tracking customers down to their local pub, standing next to them at the bar and demanding that they buy everyone in the pub a drink as ”You’ve clearly got money to throw around the gaff, ain’t you? Or you could settle your score with Eon and stop mugging us off, you fucking ponce.”

Sending bill reminders that contain covert photographs of the bill-payer’s children with the message “Lovely girl, your daughter. Must be coming up to sixteen soon, right? Grow up so quick, they do. She could pass for – what – eighteen? Nineteen? Not a court in the land would convict you, mate. Now when people owe us money, the court’s in our pocket. Anyway, think on. All the best, your friend Eon.”