Tuesday, 9 September 2008

Scientists To Prove Existence Of Stupidity By Firing Information At Idiots

“Grand Unified Theory Of Durrr A Possibility” Says Boffin

When the Large Hadron Collider is switched on in Switzerland tomorrow, researchers are hoping to prove that when complex concepts of a high enough density are fired at incredible speeds at drooling slackjaws, the previous theories of mass dimwittedness can finally be proven.

“It’s an exciting time in the scientific community” said boffin Ted Boffin. “For decades we’ve theorised about the existence of some overarching law of flatheadedness. Over the past few years we have been firing increasingly taxing levels of astrophysical jargon at the general public using what we call a “Scientific Article Accelerator”. On Wednesday we hope to reach critical speeds to peer into the very heart of stupidity itself.”

Some commentators are concerned that the experiment could possibly create a “Kyle Hole”, a point in the universe of infinitesimal size and immeasurable idiocy from which no rational thought, reasoned debate, culture or intellect can escape.

“It’s a very real concern” said science person Cain Ebbsfleet. “There is a marginal but nonetheless possible chance that the accelerator might create a Kyle Hole deep in the mountains of Switzerland.”

At first, no effect will be noticed, but within a few days, the Swiss will show a noticeable upturn in the amount of novelty ringtones downloaded onto phones, says Cain. After just a couple of weeks, most of mainland Europe will barely be able to read without moving their lips. And by the end of September? “The whole planet will be engulfed by people unable to tie their own shoes, pounding their fists against the laces grunting ‘Make foot clothes go tight! Nnnggh!’. The end of thought as we know it.”

Boffin remains upbeat, however. “In all probability, the experiment will be unsuccessful. We might isolate the particle that makes people buy The Daily Mail, but these doomsday scenarios are highly unlikely.”

The schedule for the LHC experiment tomorrow is as follows:

9:00: Scientists arrive at lab.

9:30: Having made coffee and had their morning dump, the massive computers powering the LHC are initiated.

10:30: Scientists finish using computers to check their Facebook and Hotmail.

11:45: The LHC is cooled to -271 degrees. The temperature is confirmed by placing a Geordie into the collider and seeing if he puts on his coat.

12:30: The mob of pitchfork-wielding villagers are shooed away from the doors after their protests that “You meddle in things not meant for man to know.” are dismissed as the result of stray dimwit particles from the equipment.

13:00: A copy of The New Scientist is accelerated to nearly the speed of light before being fired at a minicab driver. The trails of buffoon energy will then be analysed by researchers.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Very good. I wish I'd thought of that you bastard. Or bastardess, you could be a lady.

Keep up the sterling work. I'll check on you tomorrow.