Wednesday, 3 September 2008

Scientist Invents Gene To Stop Sleeping On Couch

“Forgetting Birthday Chromosome” Also Bogus, Admits Boffin

The Swedish scientist who recently published a report suggesting that infidelity amongst men might be genetically motivated has admitted that he faked results “So I could sleep in my own bed and stop getting glared at over the breakfast table”.

Dr Hoorst Ebbsfleet published his research paper “Why Men Might Be Caught In A Travelodge With The Woman Who Works In The Betting Shop” earlier this week in which he stated that the gene SMNTM (She Meant Nothing To Me) might be the cause of extramarital affairs.

“The SMNTM gene mediates several processes throughout the body, including blood pressure and water retention as well as the production of neuropeptide vasopressin” wrote Ebbsfleet in his study. “Studies on test animals showed that inherited defects in this gene group caused a 62% rise in meeting blonde pieces in pub car parks for frenetic knee tremblers while their wife was visiting their sister.”

Ebbsfleet went on to show that lab mice with this genetic defect were more likely to forget birthdays, get drunk and let themselves go a bit. “Given that the observed responses stemmed from an inherited defect as opposed to learned behaviour, we can conclude that laboratory mice’s mates should stop bloody crying every time they look at them and stop checking their phone for text messages every five bleeding minutes.”

The study was a sensation in the scientific community, with one Harvard professor commenting “Dr Ebbsfleet’s findings are extraordinary and will radically change views on the nature/nurture debate, as well as giving me some ammunition about what happened at my office Christmas party last year.”

Early this morning, however, Dr Ebbsfleet called a press conference to admit he had fabricated data in his study. “I have been less than honest in my findings, and for that I apologise” said Ebbsfleet. “While there were suggestions that the SMNTM gene did have some effect on behavioural responses, the conclusions we reached were perhaps more specific than they should have been. But come on, it was three fucking months ago and I’m still on hand rations. I had to do something.”

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