Monday, 29 September 2008

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Fat Man Sues Tesco Over Exercise DVD
“No Respect For My Life Of Gluttonous Sloth” Says Fired Behemoth

43-year-old shelf stacker Brian Ebbsfleet is set to sue his former employer Tesco after they insisted he handle workout DVDs as part of his job. “It’s against my what-do-you-call-‘em? Human rights, innit?” claims Ebbsfleet.

The 23-stone former employee was fired last month for ‘gross misconduct’ but Ebbsfleet insists Tesco victimised him due to his beliefs. “I’ve always maintained that a life of inertia and inactivity is, you know, good and that. I’ve never been to the gym in my life and I get taxis everywhere. I save my energy for higher thoughts and stuff, don’t I? So when my boss asked me to move that box of ‘Hollyoaks Workout’ DVDs, he was mocking me, right? So I want my payout, in cash if possible.”

Tesco person Jane Knutsford stated “Tesco embrace diversity and we are proud of our record of employing staff from every background, race, religion and disability. Mr Ebbsfleet’s contract was terminated after repeated warnings for inappropriate behaviour. This included taking magazines into the toilets for ‘dirty tea breaks’, stealing doughnuts and calling his line manager a ‘ponce’.”

Incredibly Expensive Cars ‘Cool’ Says Survey
Consumers Want Unimaginably Lavish Products, Says Coolbrand

In a survey conducted by Coolbrand into the screamingly obvious, Aston Martin has come top in a list of desirable brands. “This is quite a shock” said Coolbrand person Pegs Intray. “When we did the survey, we were expecting the most aspirational brand to be Kiwi boot polish or Ldl. So when it came back that the brand of product people liked most were the manufacturers of £150,000 sports cars that James Bond drives, that was a surprise.”

Intray went on to say “Aston Martin has always had the air of sophistication, innovation and engineering excellence. But I think what has moved it to the top of our survey is that they make cars that go like coke up a supermodel’s nose and could make a statue of Queen Victoria gush fanny batter.”

With other brands in the top twenty including Rolex, Dom Perignon and Nike, Intray stated “It’s obvious from our findings that British consumers basically want to live their entire lives in a Jaz Z video, rather than their asbestos-ridden council prole holes.”

Ryan Reynolds ‘Luckiest Bastard Alive’
“Jammy, Jammy, Jammy Fucking Jammy Bastard” Says Hollywood Insider

After his marriage to one-woman wank factory Scarlett Johansson was confirmed by publicists, Ryan Reynolds has been dubbed “The flukiest, most undeserving git on two legs” by Hollywood columnist Jinks Firetrap.

The two were recently wed at a simple service near Vancouver, as according to hotel staff “Mr Reynolds didn’t want the usual media circus for his wedding as this would delay the point at which he could take his missus back to the honeymoon suite and sauce her something rotten.”

Firetrap believes that by marrying Johansson, Reynolds has secured his place as Tinseltown’s leading lucky swine. “The facts speak for themselves” said Firetrap. “Reynolds looks like a cross between a date-raping frat boy and child’s drawing of Ben Affleck. Then there’s his acting. He has all the screen charisma of a suppurating sore and that’s reflected in a film CV that could be bought for £1.67 if you rummaged through enough bins in Blockbusters.”

“On face value, he should be playing ‘Satisfied customer #2’ in a regional carpet warehouse commercial. But instead he’s ludicrously wealthy and, as we speak, he’s probably being blown by one of the fittest women on the planet with a cocaine-coated finger rammed up his jacksie. No fucking justice, is there?”

Firetrap concedes that Reynolds’ good fortune is a recent phenomenon, however. “Not so long ago, he was hitched to Alanis Morrisette. Imagine that screeching at you when you’re hungover. No thanks.”

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