Christopher Reeve "Better Off Gurning His Trap Away" Says Professor

“Waving One’s Hands In The Air Like One Just Doesn’t Care” Recommended

In an article for the Journal of Psychopharmacology, a leading professor has pointed out that ecstasy-taking is much safer than horse riding as it "Has far fewer instances of neck injuries, doesn't turn you into a chinless twat and has killed a lot less Superman actors."

Professor David Knutt advises "Any youth wondering whether to enter a gymkhana or fuck their nut off in a field listening to 180 bpm gabba hardcore needs to be aware of the relative dangers."

In a five year study, Professor Knutt monitored the relative injuries of two distinct groups – one set of inbred, horsey types with names such as ‘Tamara’ and “Ffion” and one set of saucer-eyed serotonin vampires called “Geeza” and “Woot”.

Common injuries amongst the first group were typically broken bones from horse falls, as well as minor ailments such as torn rectums from boarding school-related activities. Fatalities, though rare, were consistent with forcing a one-ton animal at a brick wall he’d much prefer not to jump over.

The latter group fared better, with only a handful of deaths. These were typically from over-hydration as ecstasy users often gulp water like a Gobi desert to avoid dehydration. Common minor ailments occurred from flying whistles, allergies to Vicks Vapo Rub and repetitive strain injuries to elbows from ‘Giving it up for the Essex massiiiiiive.”

“Despite the scare stories following the death of Leah Betts from one E tablet and a litre of vodka, regular consumption of the drug shows a far smaller risk of death than horse riding” concludes Dr Knutt in his report. “It’s not to say such behaviour is totally without risk. Tinnitus, inability to string sentences together and woeful record collections are all negative side effects.”

Yelping scare factory and Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has dismissed the professor’s report as “Dangerously grounded in research and facts.” In a press statement conducted while stroking a small doll with its eyes stabbed out, Smith stated “Once again I’ve ridden roughshod over the advice of an expert employed to give the government advice. If this surprises you, it’s only fair to warn you that the sun will rise tomorrow and Jude Law will continue to be an irreparable cunt.”

In direct contradiction to Dr Knutt’s findings, Smith is expected to push through a bill making the act of “Having it large” punishable by death.

Doctors To Research “All Kinds Of Spooky Shit”

Three-Year Study Into Absolute Bollocks To Cost £25M

A national study into near-death experiences in heart attack patients, practical uses of voodoo and haunted hospital rooms “Where loads of patients have died, like, mysteriously and stuff” is to start next month.

The research project is coordinated by Southampton University in a bid to underline their standing as a centre for educational mediocrity and is to be funded by the NHS, direct from your pay packet, in lieu of doing something silly like giving people cancer medication.

The research is being led by Dr Sam Parnia, whose address is Southampton University, University Road, Southampton SO17 1BJ should anybody feel like sending him a letter, written in their own excrement, asking what the Christ he’s playing at. It is to take place in several UK hospitals, as well as nine in the US who at least have the excuse of not knowing any better.

Dr Parnia explained “In resuscitation rooms, we’re placing images on high shelves that can only be observed from the ceiling to test people’s claims of out-of-body experiences” whilst managing to keep a straight face only by an effort of Herculean proportions.

Other methods being employed to test claims of near-death experiences include asking patients to cross their heart and hope to die, measuring combustion levels of their pants and asking “A liar says what?” to see if the patients reply “What?” Dr Parnia has no plans to tell patients to get a fucking grip of themselves, stop talking such nonsense and be glad that proper, actual science has saved their lives as he feels “This will not produce the necessary kind of data to justify my enormous research grant.”

Some people suffering from heart attacks report seeing a tunnel or bright light, as well as looking down from above at the medical staff treating them. Parnia’s research team have decided not to investigate the monumentally higher number of patients who report crippling chest pains, shortness of breath and collapsing into a heap. “What’s spooky about that?”, as Dr Parnia explained.

As well as near-death experiences, the study will look into other unexplained phenomena with assistance from egregious liar Derek Acorah. “Mr Acorah is a recognised authority on paranormal activity” explained Dr Parnia “Not least of which the uncanny, inexplicable occurrence of an unconvincing shyster parlaying fraudulent psychic powers into a lucrative career.”

‘Creationist’ Scientist To Be Burnt Alive

‘Unbelievers Must Be Purified’ Says Royal Society Inquisitor General

After suggesting that it might not be a bad idea to put the theory of Creationism into some kind of scientific context, Professor Michael Reiss is to be burned at the stake outside Greenwich’s Royal Observatory this Sunday.

Professor Reiss, formerly the Society’s Director Of Education, was giving a talk in Liverpool when the damaging comments were made. “The goal of science is not merely the pursuit of truth” Reiss said “But also the dissemination of our findings. Many children are raised in households that believe in Creationism rather than the Evolutionary model."

“If the subject is raised in the classroom, it might be a good opportunity to discuss the issue and try to show that Evolution presents a more scientifically sound explanation than God and dust and nostrils and all that.”

Reiss’ speech was cut short, however, when three Cardinals from the Royal Society’s ‘Council Of The Suprema’ burst into the room and shouted “Nobody expects the Rational Thought Inquisition!!!” The Professor was then bundled into a car and taken to the Society’s “Re-Education Centre”, believed to be located in the bowels of the London Science Museum.

Albert Ebbsfleet, a leading Calificadore for the Royal Society, explained “Any heterodoxy must be purged from the masses until the shining, pure truth of rationalism cleanses their minds of unscientific thought. So it is written in the book of New Scientist.”

“We have been investigating Professor Reiss for some time and this is simply the latest act of scientific heresy.” Ebbsfleet listed a number of scientific offences allegedly committed Reiss, including touching wood for luck, crossing his fingers and saying hello to magpies.

The professor is due to be dragged in chains through the streets of Greenwich this Sunday, where mobs of empiricist fundamentalists are expected to pelt him with copies of Richard Dawkins’ “The God Delusion”. He will then be tied to a stake outside the Royal Observatory and burnt alive.

Dawkins himself is expected to attend the burning, taking time off from his tour of punching every bishop in the UK in the mouth. “Any science teacher worth his salt would piss in the eye of a kid who started on Creationism” said Dawkins “These Jesus-peddlers are no more than a bunch of intolerant shagrats. Kill all of ‘em and let random interplay of atoms decide, I say.”

Scientists To Prove Existence Of Stupidity By Firing Information At Idiots

“Grand Unified Theory Of Durrr A Possibility” Says Boffin

When the Large Hadron Collider is switched on in Switzerland tomorrow, researchers are hoping to prove that when complex concepts of a high enough density are fired at incredible speeds at drooling slackjaws, the previous theories of mass dimwittedness can finally be proven.

“It’s an exciting time in the scientific community” said boffin Ted Boffin. “For decades we’ve theorised about the existence of some overarching law of flatheadedness. Over the past few years we have been firing increasingly taxing levels of astrophysical jargon at the general public using what we call a “Scientific Article Accelerator”. On Wednesday we hope to reach critical speeds to peer into the very heart of stupidity itself.”

Some commentators are concerned that the experiment could possibly create a “Kyle Hole”, a point in the universe of infinitesimal size and immeasurable idiocy from which no rational thought, reasoned debate, culture or intellect can escape.

“It’s a very real concern” said science person Cain Ebbsfleet. “There is a marginal but nonetheless possible chance that the accelerator might create a Kyle Hole deep in the mountains of Switzerland.”

At first, no effect will be noticed, but within a few days, the Swiss will show a noticeable upturn in the amount of novelty ringtones downloaded onto phones, says Cain. After just a couple of weeks, most of mainland Europe will barely be able to read without moving their lips. And by the end of September? “The whole planet will be engulfed by people unable to tie their own shoes, pounding their fists against the laces grunting ‘Make foot clothes go tight! Nnnggh!’. The end of thought as we know it.”

Boffin remains upbeat, however. “In all probability, the experiment will be unsuccessful. We might isolate the particle that makes people buy The Daily Mail, but these doomsday scenarios are highly unlikely.”

The schedule for the LHC experiment tomorrow is as follows:

9:00: Scientists arrive at lab.

9:30: Having made coffee and had their morning dump, the massive computers powering the LHC are initiated.

10:30: Scientists finish using computers to check their Facebook and Hotmail.

11:45: The LHC is cooled to -271 degrees. The temperature is confirmed by placing a Geordie into the collider and seeing if he puts on his coat.

12:30: The mob of pitchfork-wielding villagers are shooed away from the doors after their protests that “You meddle in things not meant for man to know.” are dismissed as the result of stray dimwit particles from the equipment.

13:00: A copy of The New Scientist is accelerated to nearly the speed of light before being fired at a minicab driver. The trails of buffoon energy will then be analysed by researchers.

Scientist Invents Gene To Stop Sleeping On Couch

“Forgetting Birthday Chromosome” Also Bogus, Admits Boffin

The Swedish scientist who recently published a report suggesting that infidelity amongst men might be genetically motivated has admitted that he faked results “So I could sleep in my own bed and stop getting glared at over the breakfast table”.

Dr Hoorst Ebbsfleet published his research paper “Why Men Might Be Caught In A Travelodge With The Woman Who Works In The Betting Shop” earlier this week in which he stated that the gene SMNTM (She Meant Nothing To Me) might be the cause of extramarital affairs.

“The SMNTM gene mediates several processes throughout the body, including blood pressure and water retention as well as the production of neuropeptide vasopressin” wrote Ebbsfleet in his study. “Studies on test animals showed that inherited defects in this gene group caused a 62% rise in meeting blonde pieces in pub car parks for frenetic knee tremblers while their wife was visiting their sister.”

Ebbsfleet went on to show that lab mice with this genetic defect were more likely to forget birthdays, get drunk and let themselves go a bit. “Given that the observed responses stemmed from an inherited defect as opposed to learned behaviour, we can conclude that laboratory mice’s mates should stop bloody crying every time they look at them and stop checking their phone for text messages every five bleeding minutes.”

The study was a sensation in the scientific community, with one Harvard professor commenting “Dr Ebbsfleet’s findings are extraordinary and will radically change views on the nature/nurture debate, as well as giving me some ammunition about what happened at my office Christmas party last year.”

Early this morning, however, Dr Ebbsfleet called a press conference to admit he had fabricated data in his study. “I have been less than honest in my findings, and for that I apologise” said Ebbsfleet. “While there were suggestions that the SMNTM gene did have some effect on behavioural responses, the conclusions we reached were perhaps more specific than they should have been. But come on, it was three fucking months ago and I’m still on hand rations. I had to do something.”