"Fuck Off With That Scalpel" Kinnear Tells Surgeons

Noted Cardiologist Threatened With “A Good Bollock-Mangling”

Newcastle manager Joe Kinnear has jeopardised his health after dubbing his surgical team "A shower of shitfists" according to medical staff. "We were trying to discuss his bypass operation" said anesthetist Jason Ebbsfleet "And he just pointed his finger at each member of staff and came out with a different swear word."

The consultation started badly when Kinnear asked who would be performing the operation. When cardiologist Dr Frank Knutsford identified himself, Kinnear retorted "You're a cunt." After two nurses fainted during the discussion, Kinnear was moved to a specialist ward staffed by ex-navvies.

Kinnear was rushed into hospital after complaining of chest pains. A transcript of the 999 call records the following conversation:

“999 emergency. Which service do you require?”“Just fuck off and listen to me, you twat-farm. I’ve got pains in my christing chest and I need a shitting ambulance. Com-fucking-prende?”

“Please calm down sir. When did these pains start?”“As soon as I started talking to you, you frigging cock-wrangler. Ambulance. Now. Get my shagging drift?”

The operation is due to take place tomorrow and Kinnear’s medical team predict possible complications. “It’s unusual that we’d have to strap a patient’s arms down during an operation” said Ebbsfleet “But with delicate surgery like this, we can’t afford to have him flicking the v’s at the theatre nurse during surgery”.

Kinnear’s agent has released a statement regarding the Newcastle manager’s recuperation. “Joe expects to be out of hospital by next week. He told me today that he ‘Will spend a couple of months at home with the bunch of wankers I call a family. Newcastle will just have to titting well look after itself.’”

Fans flooded Newcastle’s internet board with messages of support. “Get arseing well better soon” read one post, while “Tooning Fork 4Eva” wrote “Hope to see you back in the dugout soon, you old twatbladder.”

Newcastle FC told reporters “In the spirit of Joe’s time at the club, we’d have to say that as we’re currently near the bottom of the table and without a manager, we’re up cunt creek with a dick paddle.”

Doctors To Research “All Kinds Of Spooky Shit”

Three-Year Study Into Absolute Bollocks To Cost £25M

A national study into near-death experiences in heart attack patients, practical uses of voodoo and haunted hospital rooms “Where loads of patients have died, like, mysteriously and stuff” is to start next month.

The research project is coordinated by Southampton University in a bid to underline their standing as a centre for educational mediocrity and is to be funded by the NHS, direct from your pay packet, in lieu of doing something silly like giving people cancer medication.

The research is being led by Dr Sam Parnia, whose address is Southampton University, University Road, Southampton SO17 1BJ should anybody feel like sending him a letter, written in their own excrement, asking what the Christ he’s playing at. It is to take place in several UK hospitals, as well as nine in the US who at least have the excuse of not knowing any better.

Dr Parnia explained “In resuscitation rooms, we’re placing images on high shelves that can only be observed from the ceiling to test people’s claims of out-of-body experiences” whilst managing to keep a straight face only by an effort of Herculean proportions.

Other methods being employed to test claims of near-death experiences include asking patients to cross their heart and hope to die, measuring combustion levels of their pants and asking “A liar says what?” to see if the patients reply “What?” Dr Parnia has no plans to tell patients to get a fucking grip of themselves, stop talking such nonsense and be glad that proper, actual science has saved their lives as he feels “This will not produce the necessary kind of data to justify my enormous research grant.”

Some people suffering from heart attacks report seeing a tunnel or bright light, as well as looking down from above at the medical staff treating them. Parnia’s research team have decided not to investigate the monumentally higher number of patients who report crippling chest pains, shortness of breath and collapsing into a heap. “What’s spooky about that?”, as Dr Parnia explained.

As well as near-death experiences, the study will look into other unexplained phenomena with assistance from egregious liar Derek Acorah. “Mr Acorah is a recognised authority on paranormal activity” explained Dr Parnia “Not least of which the uncanny, inexplicable occurrence of an unconvincing shyster parlaying fraudulent psychic powers into a lucrative career.”