Pietersen Thanks Mumbai Terrorists

Violent Outrage Stops England Looking Right Cunts

As England cancelled their forthcoming pastings at the hands of their Indian cricketing superiors due to ongoing violence in India, captain Kevin Pietersen has personally thanked the head of the armed guerrillas, saying “We were due to have our arses handed to us on a plate over and over again in the last two games. Seriously, Flintoff hasn’t stopped crying for two days. It was getting ridiculous. But now we can go home with some modicum of sporting pride. Nice work, lads. Thanks.”

England were trailing their 7-match one-day series with India by five games to nil after displays of batting ineptitude described by one ECB member as “Like watching a paraplegic trying to eat noodles with a ladder.” England’s bowling has been scarcely better, with the Indian batsmen reduced to waving their arms about and blowing whistles to ensure the ball was delivered in approximately the same region as the wicket.

Most experts were predicting a 7-0 whitewash for England, with Ian Botham dubbing England’s performance’s as “The worst cricketing witnessed since the old opening credits to ‘Neighbours.’” But the tour has been cut short following the violent terrorist attacks in Mumbai by the ECB on the grounds of safety.

“We must protect our team from any risk of harm” said ECB person WG Ebbsfleet. “By ending the series now, we believe we have done that. Because if they’d have come home 7-0 losers there would have been a howling mob of cricket fans waiting at the airport to insert the team’s bats sideways into their rectums.”

The move has been applauded by Gordon Brown who also took time to denounce the terrorist atrocities in India. “At a time like this, whether or not India beat us like a Haringey toddler at cricket is neither here nor there. Let’s call that series a draw, yes? I wish to take this opportunity to denounce the evil acts of these violent terrorists and will happily talk about it at length so long as nobody asks me exactly how I’m going to magic £20 billion out of my arse before the next election.”

Meanwhile, the English FA have asked for regular updates on the movements of the Indian terrorists. “We need to know who these guys are, how they work and what they’re planning next.” said one FA member “And whether there’s any chance they could do their stuff in South Africa in 2012 if our lads are getting a hiding in the group stages.”

Doctors To Research “All Kinds Of Spooky Shit”

Three-Year Study Into Absolute Bollocks To Cost £25M

A national study into near-death experiences in heart attack patients, practical uses of voodoo and haunted hospital rooms “Where loads of patients have died, like, mysteriously and stuff” is to start next month.

The research project is coordinated by Southampton University in a bid to underline their standing as a centre for educational mediocrity and is to be funded by the NHS, direct from your pay packet, in lieu of doing something silly like giving people cancer medication.

The research is being led by Dr Sam Parnia, whose address is Southampton University, University Road, Southampton SO17 1BJ should anybody feel like sending him a letter, written in their own excrement, asking what the Christ he’s playing at. It is to take place in several UK hospitals, as well as nine in the US who at least have the excuse of not knowing any better.

Dr Parnia explained “In resuscitation rooms, we’re placing images on high shelves that can only be observed from the ceiling to test people’s claims of out-of-body experiences” whilst managing to keep a straight face only by an effort of Herculean proportions.

Other methods being employed to test claims of near-death experiences include asking patients to cross their heart and hope to die, measuring combustion levels of their pants and asking “A liar says what?” to see if the patients reply “What?” Dr Parnia has no plans to tell patients to get a fucking grip of themselves, stop talking such nonsense and be glad that proper, actual science has saved their lives as he feels “This will not produce the necessary kind of data to justify my enormous research grant.”

Some people suffering from heart attacks report seeing a tunnel or bright light, as well as looking down from above at the medical staff treating them. Parnia’s research team have decided not to investigate the monumentally higher number of patients who report crippling chest pains, shortness of breath and collapsing into a heap. “What’s spooky about that?”, as Dr Parnia explained.

As well as near-death experiences, the study will look into other unexplained phenomena with assistance from egregious liar Derek Acorah. “Mr Acorah is a recognised authority on paranormal activity” explained Dr Parnia “Not least of which the uncanny, inexplicable occurrence of an unconvincing shyster parlaying fraudulent psychic powers into a lucrative career.”