Wednesday, 11 February 2009

"Fuck Off With That Scalpel" Kinnear Tells Surgeons

Noted Cardiologist Threatened With “A Good Bollock-Mangling”

Newcastle manager Joe Kinnear has jeopardised his health after dubbing his surgical team "A shower of shitfists" according to medical staff. "We were trying to discuss his bypass operation" said anesthetist Jason Ebbsfleet "And he just pointed his finger at each member of staff and came out with a different swear word."

The consultation started badly when Kinnear asked who would be performing the operation. When cardiologist Dr Frank Knutsford identified himself, Kinnear retorted "You're a cunt." After two nurses fainted during the discussion, Kinnear was moved to a specialist ward staffed by ex-navvies.

Kinnear was rushed into hospital after complaining of chest pains. A transcript of the 999 call records the following conversation:

“999 emergency. Which service do you require?”“Just fuck off and listen to me, you twat-farm. I’ve got pains in my christing chest and I need a shitting ambulance. Com-fucking-prende?”

“Please calm down sir. When did these pains start?”“As soon as I started talking to you, you frigging cock-wrangler. Ambulance. Now. Get my shagging drift?”

The operation is due to take place tomorrow and Kinnear’s medical team predict possible complications. “It’s unusual that we’d have to strap a patient’s arms down during an operation” said Ebbsfleet “But with delicate surgery like this, we can’t afford to have him flicking the v’s at the theatre nurse during surgery”.

Kinnear’s agent has released a statement regarding the Newcastle manager’s recuperation. “Joe expects to be out of hospital by next week. He told me today that he ‘Will spend a couple of months at home with the bunch of wankers I call a family. Newcastle will just have to titting well look after itself.’”

Fans flooded Newcastle’s internet board with messages of support. “Get arseing well better soon” read one post, while “Tooning Fork 4Eva” wrote “Hope to see you back in the dugout soon, you old twatbladder.”

Newcastle FC told reporters “In the spirit of Joe’s time at the club, we’d have to say that as we’re currently near the bottom of the table and without a manager, we’re up cunt creek with a dick paddle.”