UK Braced For 'Dry Saturday'

“Avalanche Of Crispy Socks” Anticipated

With the economic meltdown worsening, Britain's boyfriends and husbands are anticipating the least sexually active Valentine's Day since records began. "We're looking at a nation of swollen-bollocked frustration" said the Institute Of Legover Studies' Art Ebbsfleet.

"With most partners unable to afford more than a card from the newsagent's, less than 15% of Britain's men will enjoy the traditional Valentine stocking-clad erotic frenzy." And Ebbsfleet warns "It is doubtful, given the current crisis, that any UK male will get to do that thing he's been pestering the wife to do for months and she reckons is disgusting."

Ebbsfleet estimates approximately 300,000 of backed-up reproductive fluid will by sloshing around the nation’s boxer shorts in the days to follow. And he warns that the knock-on effects could be catastrophic. “Our surveys have shown that backed-up men are involved in more car crashes & household accidents, as well as being an absolute fucking nightmare to be around.”

Clintons Cards have already warned of a poor Valentine’s Day. “We’ve had blokes milling about the shop, looking at our five-quid plastic roses, sorting the loose change in their pocket, then walking out empty-handed” said Clintons boss Jeff Knutsford.

Local councils have been placed on high alert as police warned that many will have to resort to stealing blooms from nearby parks. Garage forecourts also anticipate similar raids.

“It’s totally unfair” said recently-redundant investment banker Todd Moore. “I slogged my guts out for ten years making vast fortunes with other people’s money. And now it looks like I’ll have to knock myself around on Valentine’s Day just because I can’t run to a box of overpriced chocolates and a big pink piece of card with a teddy bear on it.”

But Liz Crompton, 27, of Sandilands stated “For twelve months of the year I have to put up with flatulence and bone-idleness. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that, for one day of the year, I get showered with expensive trinkets before I’m expected to feign enthusiasm for five minutes of drunken, inexpert coitus.”