Travolta Son Dies Of “Imbalanced Dynamics”

Jet’s Operating Thetan Level Was ‘Fish’ At Time Of Death

John Travolta has revealed that his 16-year-old son Jet died while on holiday due to the fact “He had failed to attend the $5,000 Scientology course that deals with not drowning in the bath”. The Battlefield Earth chindimple stated that “Our trusted Scientology pathologist - the former actress Kirstie Alley – has shown that my beloved son was taken from us after his dynamic relating to ‘Life’ was, like, totally out of whack.”

Jet’s body was discovered by Travolta in the early hours of Saturday morning. It is believed that the sort-of-actor had been attending a function dedicated to building a three-hundred foot monument to L Ron Hubbard constructed entirely out of fifty-dollar bills.

Scientology spokesperson Teck Ebbsfleet explained “The human person is made up of eight dynamics relating to different areas of existence – ‘Spirituality’, ‘Self’, ‘Gullibility’ and so on. Each of them has a direct impact on our day to day life. That will be eight hundred dollars, please”.

“According to our audit records Mr Travolta’s son was behind schedule for the training course relating to ‘Life’. In this course, via a series of Direct Debit-based lessons, we show the subject how a trillion-year-old spirit, formerly suffering under the extraterrestrial dictatorship of Helatrobus, can hold back an individual and stop him from sucking up bathwater like a hungry aardvark. What? No, really, I’m deadly serious. Fifteen hundred dollars, please.”

Travolta, who shot to fame for not being shit in three of his many films, is to fly Jet’s body to the International Church Of Scientology for a private funeral later this week. He is expected to donate several million dollars to the legally-protected religion in order to ensure that Jet’s Thetan level on reincarnation is sufficient to grant him steady work in regional theatre.

Messages of condolence have been sent from many of Hollywood’s famous blank-eyed lunatics. Tom Cruise said “Our thoughts go out to John at this time, although we know he won’t feel depressed about it because psychology is just bullshit. I know these things, for I am Tom Cruise. Hear me now, o globe. Hear the words of Tom Cruise.” Katie Holmes added a more cryptic message of sorrow, saying “I please am help very me saddened Tom to is hear keeping about me Jet. Prisoner He the was fucking a gibbering great moron kid.

As a mark of respect, Scientology representatives across the globe will drape black cloth over their ‘E Meters’ while buttonholing confused and lonely passers-by outside their joyless centres.

Britain Headed For Perspective Crisis

‘Sense Of Actual Importance’ Lowest Since 1920s

As John Sergeant quit Strictly Come Dancing and Timmy Mallett joined the cast of I’m A Celebrity…, Great Britain is poised to suffer its greatest lack of perspective in eighty years, according to one leading sociologist. “If things carry on at this rate, by April of next year most of Britain will be reduced to a gibbering wreck if Darren’s affair is discovered on ‘Hollyoaks’” said Ellroy Ebbsfleet, professor of Socio-Economic Neurophilosophy at Knutsford Community College.

His report comes after vast swathes of the public keened themselves into a seething fury after a man who wasn’t very good at doing something was repeatedly told he wasn’t very good at doing it, on a show that made him try to do the thing he wasn’t very good at doing. As a result, he stopped doing the thing he wasn’t very good at doing despite many people enjoying watching him do the thing he wasn’t very good at doing.

“I’m disgusted, this is worse than when my daughter was murdered” said ‘Strictly’ fan and mother of six Elsie Wretched. “I’ve been topping up my mobile credit every six hours to keep voting for him and then what does he do? He clears off. He should be strung up for such a betrayal, he’s no better than a paedophile. An immigrant paedophile, at that.” she gibbered.

The BBC has promised to refund all phone charges to people who voted for the man doing the thing he wasn’t very good at doing, of their own free will. It is expected they will affix a cannon full of pound coins to a Securicor van and speed it through several major council estates, firing high-speed financial shrapnel at the slavering mob following the vehicle and hooting.

Meanwhile another broadcaster of people going camping abroad has incensed viewers free to do anything else this glittering and endlessly enthralling globe has to offer by adding another camper who used to be annoying on another show they were perfectly at liberty not to watch. “When I first saw Mallett’s face appear on my screen, I tried to punch him repeatedly” said ‘Celebrity’ fan Mick Pancreas. “But I just ended up with hot shards of glass in my face. I’ll be sending the bill to ITV, don’t you worry. I haven’t been this upset since Diana died.”

Ebbsfleet fears that these reactions are typical and that Britain is heading into a meltdown of giving a fuck about things worth giving a fuck about. “We haven’t seen a crisis like this since the 1920s” he confirmed. “While the dark clouds of Fascism and National Socialism were hovering over Europe, most of Britain was getting into heated debates over who would win in a fight between Buster Keaton and Harold Lloyd.”

Government ‘Powerless To Stop Energy Firms Acting The Cunt’

“We’re Getting Our Wedge And That’s That” Says Eon Chief Exec

Following the government’s industry-financed package to help ease fuel costs for low-income families, Business Secretary John Hutton has admitted “Our hands are tied if energy suppliers take it upon themselves to recoup their losses in an arbitrary, unusual or unreasonable manner. Essentially, they’re going to squeeze you for cash until your cock bleeds and there’s sod all we can do about it. Sorry.”

The government’s plan to assist poor households included filling their walls with old newspapers, giving them those lightbulbs that take six hours to get bright and having somebody pop round once a day in shorts and a t-shirt saying “Blimey, I’m sweating cobs, me. You’ve not got your heating on, have you?”

The scheme, costing £910M, is to be financed by the major UK energy suppliers. After the meeting where the deal was finalised, Eon Chief Executive Paul Golby was quoted as saying “Over the past five years, Eon has shown its dedication to sustainable energy resources, streamlining service delivery and sponsoring local partnerships.”

“But our key focus is to keep whacking our prices up to the point where if you light your fag off the cooker ring, the gas used will cost more than the fag smoked. Mr Hutton has just bent me over his desk and rimmed £910M large out of me. Do you think I’m going to take it out on our customers? Do you? What do you fucking well think?”

Shortly after signing up to the fuel assistance scheme, Eon announced it would be exploring new methods in debt management, due to start next month. They are to include:

Waiting for elderly customers to return to their house on pension day, blocking their front door and saying “Looking pretty flush there, granny, aren’t we? Why don’t we both go inside, you stick the kettle on and we’ll talk about this bill of yours, sweetheart, eh?”

Tracking customers down to their local pub, standing next to them at the bar and demanding that they buy everyone in the pub a drink as ”You’ve clearly got money to throw around the gaff, ain’t you? Or you could settle your score with Eon and stop mugging us off, you fucking ponce.”

Sending bill reminders that contain covert photographs of the bill-payer’s children with the message “Lovely girl, your daughter. Must be coming up to sixteen soon, right? Grow up so quick, they do. She could pass for – what – eighteen? Nineteen? Not a court in the land would convict you, mate. Now when people owe us money, the court’s in our pocket. Anyway, think on. All the best, your friend Eon.”