"It's Fucking Pissing Down" Says MET

British Reservoirs “Now Too Full”

Following days of torrential rain, the Central Water Board have advised that the nation’s reservoirs are now dangerously topped-up and are urging the public to take measures to alleviate the situation.

“You know what it’s like.” said Kelvin Ebbsfleet, head of Precipitation Studies at Knutsford University “You wait for ages for a deluge of almost biblical proportions, then loads come at once. It’s like buses, only buses made of water.”

Dam engineers have so far managed to keep the situation under control by flooding valleys populated only by dreadful, impoverished northern people. But as the rain continues to fall, they have admitted the problem has reached crisis point.

A spokesman for the CWB said “We’ve done all we can. The big valves are turned all the way clockwise – clockwise, is that right? Yes, clockwise – so there’s little more for us to do.”

To avert scenes like in The Day After Tomorrow, Deep Impact and that one with Christian Slater in it, the CWB have released a ten-point plan that every man, woman, child and transgender individual in the country will have to abide by, under pain of house arrest for an indeterminate period :

1. Turn on your taps in the kitchen sink, then go for a walk.
2. Wash your car twice a day. If you don’t own a car, ask your neighbour if you can wash theirs.
3. Double flush your toilet every time, even if it’s a precautionary number one before you leave the house.
4. Water your lawn every twenty minutes, until it looks like the last day of Glastonbury.
5. Boil all food, even chips.
6. Have a bath every time you sneeze, cough or pass wind. If any of these occur while in the bath, get out, empty the bath and start again.
7. Buy a great big fish tank.
8. The repair of any dripping taps will be punishable by five years imprisonment.
9. Wash clothes one item at a time.
10. Tie a note saying “Pack it in”, wrap it around a firework and shoot it into the sky to appease the rain god Watanabe.


When asked whether the above actions suggested the CWB were colluding with water companies to increase profits, their spokesman merely replied “No comment” before speeding away in his brand new Porsche Carrera.