Monday, 14 January 2008

Lottery Unfairness Storm

Outrage As Rich Twat Wins Lottery

Changes have been demanded in the rules governing who can enter the National Lottery after a peer of the realm won £1.2 million in Saturday’s draw.

“I am sickened to the very core of my being” said Tony Ebbsfleet, founder of PuntUK, an organisation that campaigns for more fairness in UK gambling. “I have put five lines on the lottery, every draw, since it began. I’ve used my tried & tested numbers, lucky dips – and I regularly travel to towns when the tabloids say it’s the luckiest place in the UK. And I’ve won tits-all.”

Ebbsfleet, currently living in a council hostel after losing his job, home and wife due to “unrelated circumstances”, went on to say “If, to take a completely random example, I was to win the lottery, that money would be put to really good use. I could pay off my loans, get my stuff back from Cash Converters and maybe buy my Cheryl some flowers. The kids would get their Child Support as well. But what’s some toff going to do with a lottery win?”

The answer to that question was given by Lord Haviscombe Huff, the winner of Saturday’s jackpot. “I’d absolutely no idea I’d entered the bally thing, to be honest” Lord Huff stated. “I was actually trying to apply for lottery funding to get the East wing repaired. It’s in a frightful state and we’ve not been able to allow tourists in there for simply months. I thought the lottery ticket thingy was a form asking how much money I needed.”

Lord Huff’s estate, the eighth largest in Britain, attracts over 200,000 visitors a year. But he dismissed suggestions that his windfall might help pay for the repairs his 42-bedroom manor requires. “Good gracious, no.” he scoffed “The manor is a national treasure. In many senses it belongs to the nation, except in the sense that I live here and all these antiques are mine. If the public want places like this to remain then I’m afraid they’re going to have to pony up.” He then indicated his intention to spend the £1.2 million on a 13-foot crystal swan for his private collection.

Meanwhile, Ebbsfleet is starting a petition to stop a repeat of such events, entitled “Bastard, Bastard, Lucky Bastard, Fucking Bastard Lucky Bastard.”

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