Wednesday, 30 January 2008

Plot To Murder Thousands Of Soldiers Uncovered

MOD Reveals Extent Of Taliban Campaign

The Ministry Of Defence has today revealed a plot to murder thousands more British troops. Following on from revelations in the Parviz Khan ‘Beheading Plot’ trial, Field Marshall Montague Ebbsfleet revealed “We have every reason to believe that Taliban troops dotted across Afghanistan are poised, as soon as the opportunity arises, to kill the many thousands of British soldiers stationed there.”

The plot was uncovered by military intelligence following several years of observation of Taliban movements. It seems that one of the main objectives of the Taliban forces has been to shoot at British soldiers with the hope of seriously wounding or killing them. The news has come as a shock to many ground troops.

“I just thought they were excited to see us, to be honest” said Private Clyde Driscoll, currently stationed outside Kabul. “My sergeant told me we were playing paintball with them. But to find out that there’s an organised, religious fundamentalist group that means British troops harm – well, it’s terrifying, isn’t it?”

Private Driscoll’s sentiments were echoed by many of the personnel currently serving in the armed forces, although most did not wish to be named. One stated “They didn’t mention this in the adverts, did they? I just thought I’d get my engineering degree, have a smart haircut, get pissed with my mates on a Friday and annoy the fuck out of locals near the barracks. But people plotting to kill us? That’s a bit fucking much.”

Gordon Brown has been quick to denounce the Taliban’s tactics of trying to kill British troops. “This barbarism cannot be prudently countenanced in a modern, progressive, free-market society. It is a sad fact that many of the people that British troops are opening fire at are actually trying to kill them.

They will stop at nothing to avoid being killed by our armed forces, resorting to running away, hiding or even disguising themselves as a school full of pupils. To point guns at our armed forces with the intent of firing back is an outrage we cannot tolerate. We shall not rest until every person that refuses to let us shoot at them is killed.”

1 comment:

Tony Cowards said...

I think this is the best one yet, very, very funny.

Keep up the good work fella, all this stuff is simultaneously inspirational (encouraging me to write more) and depressing (making me think that I won't write anything this good).