100 Countries Pledge To Kill People Differently

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“Can We Have Those?” MOD Asks NI Family

Buyer To Collect Gun Cache

After a stash of seventy guns and thousands of rounds of ammunition was found in a Belfast home, procurement officers for the British army have asked if they can buy them as a job lot. The weapons were discovered after their owner was believed to have taken his own life. His method of suicide has not yet been disclosed by pathologists but one spokesman told the press “Well how do you fucking well think he did it?”

The unnamed Belfast man was a well-known figure in Loyalist paramilitary circles and early indications suggest that he was unaware that the war against Republicans was over. “He was like them fellers you hear about in Burma” said one neighbour, whose affection for his kneecaps prompted him to remain anonymous. “While the rest of us were getting on with our lives pretending to like those dirty Fenian bastards, he was still holed up in his bungalow waiting for orders to attack the next legitimate target. Like a pub or something.”

The armaments are currently being held by local police, but it is believed that several regiments have started a bidding war for them. “Our brave lads in Iraq are seriously underquipped” said General Ebbsfleet of the 47th Queen’s Riflemen. “They often have to decide which unarmed civilian they’re going to shoot as they’re rationed to three bullets a day. Some have had to resort to enticing their targets toward the personnel carrier with clean drinking water or medical supplies before finishing them off with the butt of their gun.”

General Ebbsfleet believes the Northern Irish stash will leave his troops capable of administering muscular democracy with extreme prejudice for a further three months at a fraction of the cost. “Buying weapons through normal channels is prohibitively expensive. All those lavish lunches, luxurious holidays and envelopes stuffed with cash associated with securing military contracts don’t come for free. The cost is passed on to the regiment. In many cases, rather than shooting an entire family it can be cheaper to just buy their home and have them evicted.”

Gordon Brown hailed the gun haul as a victory in Labour’s continued fight against terrorism. “This is proof that the Peace Treaty continues to hold in the province. By taking those guns off the streets, we have made it safer for the average former paramilitary officers of Belfast to go about their daily business of drug dealing and racketeering. And by shooting himself in the head before the police arrived, as appears to have happened, this man has shown that people now know what will happen to them if they’re suspected of terrorist activities.”

‘Beasting’ Part Of Cost-Cutting Drive, Say MOD

“We Can Save Up To £100K Per Dead Squaddie” Says Browne


Following criticism of the death of Private Gavin Williams during a ‘beasting’ punishment session at Lucknow Barracks, Defence Secretary Des Browne has hit back, stating “What, would you rather some dirty foreigner did it instead?”

Browne was speaking at the inquest into Williams’ death in July 2007, where he defended the army’s right to kick the shit out of whomever they wanted, including their own soldiers.

“Many people feel that the war in the Middle East has been a monstrous waste of money and a humanitarian disaster. Really, many, many people. Everybody, really. Just a terrible, terrible, dreadful waste” said Browne, pausing briefly to stare into the distance as if expecting to see the Grim Reaper himself on the horizon waving his scythe around like a gap-toothed yokel outside Frankenstein’s castle.

“However” he continued after composing himself “we are doing everything we can to rectify this, and one method is to punt the squaddies around the training ground like a beachball at a Rolling Stones concert until they drown in their own fear-induced piss. British soldiers are the best in the world and I’m sure it will be a real comfort to Private Williams’ family to know that he was tortured to death with the efficiency and professionalism the British armed forces are famed for from Amritsar to Peterloo.”

Browne went on to state that by killing soldiers in the UK, the MOD can save hundreds of thousands of taxpayer’s pounds. “Never mind the cost of transportation, equipment and whatnot. If we bump them off in the UK then call it a suicide, their families can go tickle for a war pension, too. Quids in.”

“Good Day To Invade Russia” Said Fuhrer’s Horoscope

"You Will Have Arguments With A Fat, Bald Cigar Smoker"

British Intelligence manipulated Hitler’s obsession with horoscopes during World War II by making him think “Taureans make bad übermensch”, according to files in the National Archives.

Ludwig Von Ebbsfleet, who defected from Germany as astrologer for “Das Sün” newspaper, claimed that Hitler, a Taurus, was so obsessed with astrology he contributed to Germany’s super-inflation of the 1920s by constantly calling premium-rate horoscope telephone lines.

In recently-released government documents, Von Ebbsfleet claims “Ze Fuhrer is nutty about his horoscopes, ja? For instance, he was starting ze Reichstag fire on February 27th because zis was a good day for fire signs.”

Allied Propaganda forces attempted to exploit this weakness by planting negative horoscopes in the German press using covert spy stargazers. An entry for June 6th 1944 – the day of the D Day landings – suggested to the Fuhrer that “It’s a good time for Taureans to spend time socialising with friends. Maybe a dinner party or a night at the theatre. Relaxing on the beach is not recommended, specifically Carentan, Saint-Lô, Caen, and Bayeux.”

The entry for April 30th 1945 proved to be the decisive part of the operation, with Taureans told “Things have been getting you down recently, Taurus, as all your plans at work seem to be going wrong. Maybe it’s time to try a new approach, like killing yourself in a bunker, perhaps.”

Churchill commented on the plan, called Operation Toper, saying “Never, in the field of human conflict, has one man set so much store by such a load of pseudo-scientific bollocks. I say we convince him that Taurus men are shit in bed.” Churchill, Sagitterian, also ensured that Hitler was convinced Sagitterians were hard as fuck.

The newly-released documents showed similar methods were used against the Japanese army. A fake Feng Shui expert was parachuted into Japan to suggest that their stuff wouldn’t look very nice in China. He wrote a further article in a national Japanese newspaper stating that all furniture within a 200-mile radius of Nagasaki should face away from the city centre.

Plot To Murder Thousands Of Soldiers Uncovered

MOD Reveals Extent Of Taliban Campaign


The Ministry Of Defence has today revealed a plot to murder thousands more British troops. Following on from revelations in the Parviz Khan ‘Beheading Plot’ trial, Field Marshall Montague Ebbsfleet revealed “We have every reason to believe that Taliban troops dotted across Afghanistan are poised, as soon as the opportunity arises, to kill the many thousands of British soldiers stationed there.”

The plot was uncovered by military intelligence following several years of observation of Taliban movements. It seems that one of the main objectives of the Taliban forces has been to shoot at British soldiers with the hope of seriously wounding or killing them. The news has come as a shock to many ground troops.

“I just thought they were excited to see us, to be honest” said Private Clyde Driscoll, currently stationed outside Kabul. “My sergeant told me we were playing paintball with them. But to find out that there’s an organised, religious fundamentalist group that means British troops harm – well, it’s terrifying, isn’t it?”

Private Driscoll’s sentiments were echoed by many of the personnel currently serving in the armed forces, although most did not wish to be named. One stated “They didn’t mention this in the adverts, did they? I just thought I’d get my engineering degree, have a smart haircut, get pissed with my mates on a Friday and annoy the fuck out of locals near the barracks. But people plotting to kill us? That’s a bit fucking much.”

Gordon Brown has been quick to denounce the Taliban’s tactics of trying to kill British troops. “This barbarism cannot be prudently countenanced in a modern, progressive, free-market society. It is a sad fact that many of the people that British troops are opening fire at are actually trying to kill them.

They will stop at nothing to avoid being killed by our armed forces, resorting to running away, hiding or even disguising themselves as a school full of pupils. To point guns at our armed forces with the intent of firing back is an outrage we cannot tolerate. We shall not rest until every person that refuses to let us shoot at them is killed.”