Friday, 20 June 2008

‘Beasting’ Part Of Cost-Cutting Drive, Say MOD

“We Can Save Up To £100K Per Dead Squaddie” Says Browne

Following criticism of the death of Private Gavin Williams during a ‘beasting’ punishment session at Lucknow Barracks, Defence Secretary Des Browne has hit back, stating “What, would you rather some dirty foreigner did it instead?”

Browne was speaking at the inquest into Williams’ death in July 2007, where he defended the army’s right to kick the shit out of whomever they wanted, including their own soldiers.

“Many people feel that the war in the Middle East has been a monstrous waste of money and a humanitarian disaster. Really, many, many people. Everybody, really. Just a terrible, terrible, dreadful waste” said Browne, pausing briefly to stare into the distance as if expecting to see the Grim Reaper himself on the horizon waving his scythe around like a gap-toothed yokel outside Frankenstein’s castle.

“However” he continued after composing himself “we are doing everything we can to rectify this, and one method is to punt the squaddies around the training ground like a beachball at a Rolling Stones concert until they drown in their own fear-induced piss. British soldiers are the best in the world and I’m sure it will be a real comfort to Private Williams’ family to know that he was tortured to death with the efficiency and professionalism the British armed forces are famed for from Amritsar to Peterloo.”

Browne went on to state that by killing soldiers in the UK, the MOD can save hundreds of thousands of taxpayer’s pounds. “Never mind the cost of transportation, equipment and whatnot. If we bump them off in the UK then call it a suicide, their families can go tickle for a war pension, too. Quids in.”

1 comment:

jimmyw said...

you're a sick puppy, but a saving is a saving...