John Leslie To Stand As Labour MP

Presenter To Run On “I Will Have Your Vote” Slogan

Following last night’s disastrous Henley by-election – which saw Labour poll just 17 votes – party mandarins have turned to the world of celebrity for future candidates in an attempt to woo back voters.

Labour finished an embarrassing sixth in the by-election, behind the Conservatives, Lib Dems, Green Party, BNP and the Satanic/Paedophile Alliance. Defeated Labour candidate Chesney Ebbsfleet was quick to put a positive spin on the result, however. “It often happens in local elections that the pig-faced proles decide to give the government a bloody nose, just because they don’t want to pay £4000 for a trolley of shopping or watch their kids being spattered into pate on an Afghanistan hillside.”

“But come the general election I’m confident that those people who haven’t hung themselves from the rafters of their negative-equity house and can afford the petrol to drive to the polling booths will keep us in power. In fact, I think the public will demand that Labour stay in power until the end of recorded history.”

Ebbsfleet was later escorted from Henley in an unmarked ambulance and is believed to be under heavy sedation in his Knutsford home. Labour chiefs, meanwhile, have been quick to round up celebrity candidates for forthcoming by-elections.

An inside source stated “They’ve already lined up John Leslie, as they feel he can be very persuasive in compelling people to do painful things they really don’t want to do, like voting Labour. They want a man that can handle pressurised situations, such as being accused of a series of disgusting, aggressive sexual assaults. And importantly, he does look good in a suit.”

Other high-profile figures - such as Michael Barrymore, Jade Goody and Ian Huntley - have been sounded out, with Goody reportedly asking what an MP is, Barrymore giving a tentative “Awoight” to the idea and Huntley stating “Don’t you think I get enough fucking grief as it is?”